Contained within this category of ‘things-I-wish-I-had-been-told-when-I-first-came-into-program’ are items which WERE told to me, whether directly or indirectly, but that I didn’t “hear” until years later.  Such is the case with this idea of morality.

For whatever reason, my entire life was spent cowering beneath the shadow of the belief that I was a “bad” person because I could not control the amount of food I ate.  It shaped my personality, formed my behavior patterns, dictated what I could and could not do, strangled my sense of self, and stripped away my self-esteem.  I come from a loving family, I never wanted for anything, and I always felt loved and supported by my parents and relatives, so what was the problem?  In the end, my sense of self-loathing was so bad that I actually convinced myself that the only reason why my parents “acted” like they loved me was because they “had to,” since they were my parents.  Same with relatives.  And friends?  Well, surely they felt sorry for me and were just being “nice.”

What a sad way to live.  Sometimes even now when I look back on all those wasted years I feel sad, but the good news is that I have finally escaped it all.  Some people (MANY people) never get that far.  It may have taken me until the age of 42, but at least I got out!

What is extremely important to take away from this post is the idea that compulsive overeating is a legitimate disease that has three components: a physical allergy, a mental obsession, and a spiritual sickness.  You can read all about this in The Big Book (see the “12-Step Links” at the top of this page if interested), but the bottom line is that it is not your fault that you have this disease, any more than it would be your fault had you been born deaf or if you were diagnosed with cancer.  The sooner you can accept this fact, the better off you will be.