Leading up to this event, in my mind, I had assumed that I would not be able to bare the horror of the loss of someone so close to me.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios in which I would fall apart, either at the hospital or the funeral home, or somewhere in between, but the story always ended with me being taken away in a straitjacket, thereby creating a whole new set of worries for my family at the time when they needed me most.

Had I been going through this a mere six years earlier, these mind movies would have been on an endless loop and I have no doubt that they would have eventually laid the foundation for a world class binge-to-end-all-binges.  And after that?  I don’t even want to know.

But I WAS in program.  And counseling.  And I talked about these fears.  Wrote about them. Cried over them. Most importantly, I cried about them to God and to my OA friends. And each time that I faced my worst fears and let the tears flow, it was like a release valve for my emotions, so that by the time my mother actually did pass away, I was not completely overwhelmed by it.  Yes, I was devastated.  Yes, I felt lost and alone in a way that I had never felt those things before.  But I did not feel hopeless.  I did not feel panic-stricken.  And I did not start spiraling into that black abyss that I had assumed would come to swallow me up.  I realized, through sharing with others, that people deal with death all the time and live to tell the tale.  I was just another bozo on the bus, and this time I just happened to be going through a great loss.

I hear at meetings all the time that “no one said life was going to be easy.”  And similar things about how life still happens even after we get sober/abstinent.  They ain’t kidding. But the difference is, now that sanity has returned, I at least have a fighting chance to face life’s challenges in healthy ways rather than the way I used to  – – by turning in on myself and self-destructing.

Thanks to my Higher Power, there is no need for that kind of behavior anymore, even when life gets difficult.

Unfortunately, for me, that is not the case.  At least, not yet.

I am clearly a work in progress.

I hate to admit it, but I am only now just beginning to address this issue in relation to other areas of my life.

I recently joined a gym.  Again.  But with what I hope is a much healthier attitude this time around.  I am there to feel better about myself.  Period.  Losing more weight, if I do, will be a happy accident.

I finally devised a new and improved daily schedule.  Working from home, it is so easy to go off track with respect to my routine.  I am a morning person, so I moved my writing tasks to the first part of the day (when I am at my most creative), and I do my property management work in the afternoons.

I had my food plan reviewed by a professional.  I know that my fellow OA’s can appreciate what a touchy subject this can be, and it was difficult, but I decided it was time to cut back a little more.  I am not going to do it all at once, but I now I have a slightly cleaner, slightly smaller plan than I had before.  I have been following it for a couple weeks now, but I am not counting days.  I refuse to go back to that mind game.

Baby steps, but steps nonetheless.

The bottom line is, none of this would even be possible if I was still in the food.  I simply would have no room in my mind to even consider confronting this problem, let alone the mental and physical energy to actually DO something about it.  And the only way I know to ensure that I maintain my abstinence, one day at a time, is by going to meetings, staying in contact with my OA friends, and staying close to my HP.  If I continue to do “the next right thing,” I can’t fail.  And neither will you!

…UNTIL NOW!!

Over the past two years, I have been able to go to drive-thrus and just get a coffee without even one single thought of getting food!  This may sound like a small thing, but to me it is such a miracle!  Just one of the many promises of the program that have come true in my life!   “It works if you work it!”  Thank you, HP!

A FEW EXTRAS: When I am feeling deprived because I am craving the taste of something sweet, I give myself the freedom to add an extra packet of sweetener to my coffee or my cereal.  Or I will purposely go out for an iced coffee made by professionals – -always so much more “scrumdiddlyumptous” than the ones I make at home.  Sure, that is probably due to the cream they use that I don’t, but if that will give me the boost I need to avoid a binge, then so be it.   Same goes for those awkward moments when I am out with friends or family and there is that last minute decision to go out for ice cream.  I used to feel like the martyr, grimly letting everyone know that “I can’t have that.”  Nowadays, I am usually not even interested in getting anything and I simply order a coffee or a diet soda.  But if I do feel myself getting cranky about it, I allow myself to have one small scoop of sugar free ice cream.  Again, for me, it’s not about the extra calories, but rather, how I feel towards my particular plan of eating.

A FLEXIBLE SCHEDULE: I used to practice the 3-0-1 plan (three meals a day, nothing in between, one day at a time) that is so famous within the OA fellowship.  It is a great idea and works well for so many people.  But it didn’t work for me.  Ever since I allowed myself the freedom to eat all the same foods and portions that I had on my 3-0-1 plan without confining myself to only eating three times per day, I instantly felt myself relax.  Now I eat at the times that fit most conveniently into my schedule, or (gasp!), at the times when I actually feel hungry!  And here is the most amazing part of all: I have actually had some days when I do NOT get around to eating all the food I have coming to me!  I sincerely believe that this is because, for the first time in my life, I am actually beginning to listen to the signals from my body and eating according to those rather than according to the time on a clock.  I used to be a big believer in the idea that I was some kind of genetic mutants who had been born without the ability to recognize when I was full.  But over the past two years, I have changed my mind about that.  Now I think it is just that I never learned what the sensations of hunger and fullness felt like because I was always eating according to emotional (rather than physical) cues.

REPETITIVE FOODS: I used to have a sponsor who would not let me eat the same meal more than once within any given week.  I suppose there may be some value to this strategy, considering how obsessive we food addicts tend to be.  But for whatever reason, I found that when left to my own devices in this one area, as long as I am eating according to an abstinent plan, eating the same foods or meals from one day to the next is actually comforting to me, especially if they are foods or meals that I really enjoy.  Whatever benefit to body or mind that may have come out of forcing myself to eat a variety of things I don’t really care for was usually lost to a much greater sense of deprivation and resentment at not being allowed the freedom to the eat abstinent foods that I actually liked.

ORDERING OUT:  Whether we like it or not, eating is big part of socializing.  In the past, my rigid food plan contained all sorts of rules around eating out.  I was supposed to ask questions about how certain foods were prepared.  I needed to bring home half of what was on my plate to be eaten as a meal the following day.  I could not have any fried foods.  I had to have oil and vinegar on my salad (which I hate) if there were no sugar free options.  Or I could bring my own dressing with me, which I would never do.  (Just a personal preference here.  I know plenty of program people who have brought their own salad dressings into restaurants and lived to tell the tale.)  And these are just the rules I can remember off the top of my head, 20 years later.  I’m sure there were many more.  Today, I have almost the exact opposite philosophy regarding eating in restaurants.  Now I give myself permission to eat whatever portion is put in front of me (as long as I have ordered something that is meant as a serving for one person, of course!).  If the choice is between a binge or a bigger portion of chicken, I’ll take the chicken.  I also eat fried foods when I am out.  This is not a healthy choice, mind you, but it’s my choice.  Maybe some day I will change my mind on this one, but so far, eating these foods has not given me the urge to binge.  Oddly enough, since I have taken this less restrictive approach, there have been several times when I have actually taken food home, either to give to my husband or to have as part of another meal, even though I don’t have to do so.  More evidence of sanity returning!

Although I understand that, in some ways, many of these concessions are the remnants of the way I used to use food as a “reward,” I have discovered that, for me, they also make it easier for me to stay abstinent, which then gives me confidence in my ability to stick to a food plan.  In other words, it is the old “success breeds success” theory.  For so many years, I felt like I could not trust my own body (or mind) to make any type of healthy decisions when it came to food.  But now I am finally beginning to trust myself, because I am finally beginning to trust and rely on a God of my understanding.  I truly believe that He is inside me, healing the damaged part of my mind, and making it possible for me to eat in an ever more sane, balanced way.

In the end, what it really comes down to is the ability to cut myself some slack.  By letting go of the perfectionism I used to have around “good” foods, “bad” foods, and dieting in general, I am acknowledging my humanity rather than pretending that it does not exist.  It is not “wrong” to enjoy food, or to want to go out to eat with friends, or to want to enjoy healthy portions of foods that are part of family traditions that are special to us.  Here I am reminded of the part of the Big Book that talks about our desire for sex as being a God-given trait of all humans that is to be enjoyed rather than shunned.

Couldn’t the same be said for our sense of taste?

I have at least four people in my lfie who see nothing wrong with eating at fast food restaurants, but who would rather die than ingest artificial sweeteners.

l know many more people who think nothing of getting drunk every day of their lives, but who would never even consider touching a cigarette for fear of what smoking would do to their lungs.

I know hard core drug addicts who follow amazingly rigorous daily exercise routines.

The group that fascinates me the most, though, is the one that I fit into:  those of us who are scared to death of the side effects of medication, but who have no trouble at all ingesting huge quantities of highly processed foods that are loaded with hundreds of toxic chemicals we know nothing about.  Similarly, I have always had a HUGE fear of medical procedures meant to HELP me, not hurt me, and yet, I used to have no problem at all stuffing my face with so much food that it was actually physically distorting my body and literally changing its chemical composition.

What does this all me?  Simply this (at least in my eyes):

Addiction (of any kind) has very little to do with the substance we use, and a great deal to do with our “stinkin’ thinkin’.”  To me, these examples illustrate perfectly the irrational thinking that accompanies all kinds of compulsive behavior.  That is why the only effective way to defeat cravings is through changing our thoughts and perceptions rather than merely putting down the substance we are abusing.  And in my case, the only way I could change my mind was by asking for help from a power greater than myself.

She said that eating and drinking addictions are much more alike than most of us might care to admit.  Just as the overeater must continue to eat healthy foods, the alcoholic must continue to drink healthy beverages.  It is not as though either of us gives up the behavior, per se, but we give up only certain kinds of substances while continuing to ingest others in the same way.  This makes food and drink compulsions both unique when compared to other addictions, and yet, similar when compared to each other.  She then went on to say that even if you really did give up ALL food and ALL drink, the overeater would be in far better shape because you can live for weeks without eating, but only days without drink (water)!

An interesting perspective, is it not?

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/girlfriend-weighs-more-170300690.html

http://www.upworthy.com/dustin-hoffman-breaks-down-crying-explaining-something-that-every-woman-sadly-already-experienced-3?g=2&c=ucfb1

This uncomfortable state usually starts with something as simple as walking past a mirror.  I notice my reflection.  My mood instantaneously changes from good to bad.  The following negative self-chatter, based on years and years of practice, pops into my mind:

“That’s what I look like right now?!  Are you KIDDING me?!  DisGUSting!  I have been abstinent for over THREE YEARS, and I STILL look that big?!  What’s the use?!  Every single day, I use those damn measuring cups and spoons, every day I only eat the foods I’m ‘supposed to,’ I haven’t eaten bread, pasta, chips or (gasp!) CHOCOLATE since 2010, I go to at least 3 meetings a week, I speak when asked to speak,… and THIS is the pay-off for all my hard work?!  I can’t believe I haven’t pigged-out sooner!  Why do I even bother?!”

As you can see, I am a trained professional when it comes to self-abuse.

There is so much going on here, on so many different levels.  Let’s take a quick look at some them for a moment, shall we?

What strikes me first about that whole tirade is the perspective.  I am talking like I am the victim.  There is absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that following a 12-Step Program is a choice.  No one is forcing me to do all this so-called “work.”  I am doing it because I made the decision that NOT doing it was far more painful.

Next, look a little more closely at my feeling of surprise – I am shocked by the fact that I look bigger than I feel.  This is a miracle in and of itself.  Most of my life, I walked around like I weighed many hundreds of pounds, like a freak and a disgrace, even when I was down to 160 pounds!  And even at that time, I specifically remember walking by a mirror and thinking, “Who is that thin person?  Oh, wait!  That’s me!”  I would feel good for a few minutes, but then I would slip back into feeling ugly and gross.  Nowadays, I feel good about myself most of the time, EXCEPT when I am in front of a mirror.  Maybe not the best way to live, but a HUGE improvement, don’t you think?

Also, where the heck is the gratitude?!  I have maintained a 75 pound weight loss for almost 3 years now!  That has never happened in my entire life!  And I am happier, healthier, more compassionate, more caring, and more clear-minded than I have ever been!  Most importantly, as a result of all the time and effort I have put into this program, I now have a relationship with a Higher Power that comforts me, gives me a sense of purpose to my life, and helps me to want to be a positive example to others.  Isn’t that way more valuable than the number on a scale?  And all this in just three short years!!  That is NOTHING compared to the decades of misery and damage that may food addiction caused!

So nowadays, when this negative feeling hits, I recognize it for what it really is: an old, nasty, deeply-engrained pattern of negative thinking that gets activated by things that hurt me in the past.  Am I always able to eliminate it from my mind immediately?  Hell, no!  Sometimes it lingers for days, and at those times I feel resentful and depressed (but at least I am finally feeling!).  But at the same time, I am actively trying to replace those old tapes with something like the following:

“It may be difficult to see how far you have to go, but what about how far you’ve come?  You need to start switching the focus.  You are a child of God.  He loves you just the way you are.  You do not have to prove anything to Him, to yourself, or to anyone else ever again.  Even if you decide to stop following this plan right now, He will STILL love you, but you know that you just feel better, happier, and healthier when you do this, so why not try to keep going.  You deserve to feel good about yourself.”‘

What a difference in tone!  This voice is not degrading or insulting.  Neither is it condescending or demanding.  It is confident and loving.  And that question at the end?  There is no question mark at the end of it.  Know why?  Because this Higher Me has an attitude that I will make the right decision.  It already “knows ” what the healthy choice is and that that is the path The Real Me wants to follow.  So it isn’t really a question at all, but rather, a statement of purpose.

And did you notice that the negative voice talks in the first person (“I”) but the positive voice speaks in the second (“you”)?  I did not write it that way on purpose, that is just the way it is.  My theory as to why?  First, because addiction is a subtle foe, and “it knows” that using that point of view sounds more intimate and, therefore, more like “true” beliefs that I have about myself.  Second, because I have finally been able to develop my “Higher Self” to such a point that it actually has it’s OWN voice!  It is a different entity, if you will, than the one doing all the trash talking.  It even “sounds” different!  I believe it was always there, and that it is either part of, or the same thing as, my Higher Power, but the point is, now I can actually HEAR it!  And the best part of all?  It is starting to have real, meaningful influence in my thought-life!  In the past, the “dark side” was the only show in town.  But not any more!!

I have finally arrived at the light at the end of the tunnel!

THANK YOU, H.P.!!

Hoping that this is the beginning of a new batch of posts.  Since I started this project, back in March of 2012, I am happy, thankful, and grateful to report that I am still abstinent, I’m back on my exercise routine, and I have lost another 15 pounds!  That’s a grand total of 90 pounds!  Thank you, H.P.!!  But the best part of all is the clarity of mind that continues to grow.  Although I am certain that this happens “one day at a time,” for me, at least, it feels more like it comes in waves.  A few months ago, I was feeling overwhelmed by all the “new” character defects that seemed to be coming out of the woodwork, and all the 12-Step Work that I could foresee that went along with them.  But I just kept forcing my mind, sometimes minute by minute, back to the positives, back to my Higher Power, and continued to do, to the best of my ability, “the next right thing.”  And then it passed.  Now I’m feeling ready to face these new challenges.  In all my years in and out of recovery, I have never stayed abstinent from my urge to binge long enough to reap the benefits of having all of this work start to infuse the rest of my life.  My life beyond food.  Did I ever really have a life beyond food?  Sometimes I wonder.  Physically, yes.  Of course I did.  But mentally?…  If all of my waking hours were spent obsessing about either eating or not eating (depending upon where I was on the dieting spectrum), doesn’t that mean that is all that my life was about?

Aren’t we all just really what we think?

Just a little “food for thought.”

Stay tuned…