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“I can see it in your face.”

I can’t tell you how many times I have lost large amounts of weight (I am talking over 50 pounds, here), only to hear these fatal words.  At first my hopes soar as someone says, “Hey!  You look like you lost weight!”  Then they crash and burn when I hear, “I can really see it in your face.”  50 pounds of face-fat?!  Seriously?!

I remember more than once taking this as my signal to forget the whole weight-loss thing.  The effort that it takes we true compulsive overeaters to lose 50 pounds is HUGE – especially if we are doing it alone – so to think that all that time and energy (and exhausting “white-knuckling-it”) only lead to a difference in my FACE was…well…a SLAP in the face!

All kidding aside, the problem with this whole thing always was and always will be my perception of it.  In the past, without my Higher Power helping me with all this, my motivation for losing weight was all wrong.  Back then, even when I was in program, I was seeking a pat-on-the-head for working so hard at all this.  I wanted that approval from everyone around me.  For example, I would go to family gatherings, and by the end of what was supposed to be a happy occasion, I’d be SEETHING as I re-counted all the people there who either did not acknowledge my weight-loss, or who didn’t acknowledge it the “right” way.  CRAZINESS!    Then I’d go home, get on the “pity-pot,” and eat over it, blaming my actions on THEM!

At least,…I thought I was blaming them.

Now, after doing the 12 Steps, I can see the reality.  Some part of me, way down deep inside, knew it was “my fault” that I didn’t get the responses I wanted.  Again I had not succeeded at being thin “enough,” good “enough.”  Logically, I knew that the reason why they didn’t notice how much weight I lost was because I still had so much more to go.  But emotionally, this was not a good enough answer!  I needed outside approval in order to continue and I needed it NOW!  Again the enormity of getting to my goal weight loomed before me and that was the real reason why I would eat – – because I “knew” that I couldn’t do – – or that I wouldn’t be able to keep-it-up.

Thankfully, this is not the way I feel about that saying anymore.  I have had many people say it to me in love, and I am able to receive it that way today.  Why?  Because I am no longer seeking complements as my reason to continue the fight.  Of course, occasionally I am hoping someone I haven’t seen in a while will notice how much weight I have lost so far, but as a good friend pointed-out to me, some of my old acquaintances did not see me at my biggest – – so I look the SAME to them!

Really?!

There are actually people out there living their lives completely independent from me and my weight problem?

Fancy that!

 

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April 22, 2012 This post was written by Categories: Leftovers Tagged with: • • • • • • •
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