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“Only ONE pound?!” – Pt. 1

My abstinent food plan calls for me to only weigh myself at my counselor’s office.  Since I only see her roughly once every six-to-eight weeks, I have been forced to give-up the majority of the obsessive behaviors related to getting weighed, like getting on the scale daily (or more), using calories to try to calculate how much weight I should have lost, setting unrealistic weight-loss dates,…  But I am still a long way from being completely free from this madness.  Like clockwork, whenever I realize that “weigh day” is a week away, I have the sudden, almost overwhelming urge to cut way back on what I am eating in order to insure that the number on the scale goes down.  Thankfully, this insanity only lasts a few minutes before I am able to turn it all over to my Higher Power and “stay in the day.”  But the day before the big weigh-in, that same feeling is back with a vengeance, and I usually give-in to the wackiness of not eating or drinking anything before I go there, even if my appointment is later in the day.  Truth be told, I won’t even take a SHOWER before I go because I heard that the water gets absorbed into your skin and can add another pound!  (CRAY-zee!)  I also start projecting what that number “should be” based upon how I feel (which, I suppose, is slightly better than looking to the number on the scale for how I should feel, which is what I used to do).  Finally, when I get to her office, I go into the bathroom (where the scale is), and, after I have taken off my coat, my sunglasses, and my shoes (normal), I proceed to completely empty out all my pockets (and I’m talking completely here!  Even my shopping list and that quarter. Oh, and can’t forget that paperclip!), I remove ALL my jewelry (except my rings – for some reason, in my warped mind, these do not  “carry any weight,” so to speak), I pee (and hopefully poop) one more time, and then, if I am wearing long sleeves, I even remove my SHIRT (NUTTY!)  – – all before stepping-foot on the scale.

Well, yesterday was the day.  In classic style, I did not eat or shower, and on the drive up, I tried to estimate what the number on the scale would be.  Since this was to be my second weigh-in on my newly revised (and minimized) food plan, I was feeling good.  Last time I had lost 3 more pounds, so, “according to my calculations,” I figured I had to lose at least that much.  Then I subtracted another pound just because I was feeling so “light,” and because that would make my grand total a cool 80 pounds!  HOORAY!!  Then I subtracted another pound for those two “are you losing more weight?” complements I got in the same week.  Hell, might as well make it TWO, one for each!  Surely I was shrinking fast.  By the time I pulled-up at the counselor’ office, I had successfully sold myself on the delusion that I had lost at LEAST 6 pounds.  IMAGINE!  I actually THOUGHT that all these incidents “added-up” to a physical number that would register on a scale!  No WONDER why that device always held such “weight” with respect to my self-esteem!  Too bad it was all pure LUNACY!

With empty pockets and shirtless, I stepped onto the scale.  I had only lost one pound!  ONE!  After all my SACRIFICING?!  Are you KIDDing me?!  I was really upset…for about ten minutes.  Luckily I usually have just about that much time alone in the waiting room before I get called-in to see my counselor.  Since this has happened many times in the past year, I have learned how to cope – by praying and focusing on the positives,…  But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.

To me, this is the exact moment when all the program work I have been doing for the past six weeks really kicks-in.  If I have spent that time praying, meditating, spending time with God, going to lots of meetings, talking-out my feelings, and “doing the next right thing,” I am able to have enough sanity and clarity-of-thought to turn to my Higher Power and know that I will be able to get past this disappointment and move forward just like everyone else does.  However, if I have spent the past six weeks turning away from my Higher Power by getting wrapped-up in all the petty details of my life, giving-in to my negative ruminations (which is a form of mediation that hurts you rather than helps you), and isolating, then I am very shaky and run the risk of entertaining that most insidious question: why I am even bothering?  But I have come to realize that THAT RIGHT THERE IS the disease itself.  It is that gnawing feeling that keeps trying to convince me that all my hard work won’t pay off and that I will never be able to continue this for the rest of my life.   But in reality, I don’t HAVE to do ANYthing!  All I am doing is CHOOSING to do this ONE MORE DAY!  That’s IT!  That’s ALL I have to focus on!  TODAY I am going to be abstinent, and TODAY I am not going to worry about tomorrow!

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April 12, 2012 This post was written by Categories: Leftovers Tagged with: • • • • • • • • • • • • •
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