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“Do you believe in ‘magical thinking?’ “

This was a question my counselor asked me a while back.  I was saying that I didn’t want to “jinx” myself by mentioning that I had finally been abstinent for a few weeks,… and she responded with this question.  I was like, “No, I don’t believe in magical thinking.  It’s just one of those silly sayings.”  But she said some people really do believe in things like that and that’s why she asked.  But I didn’t.  Or did I?

Later on, I really thought about it, and I realized that in some ways, I HAVE believed in “magical thinking” at different times in my life, even though I never called it that.  I noticed that it was particularly common in relation to my food addiction, especially when I was new in program.

For example, I would HAVE to wear the exact same clothes every time I got on the scale (which, for me, was once a month at the local YMCA), otherwise I was a complete mess.  I mean, to the point that even my underwear had to be the same!  I get the idea that clothes can cause minor fluctuations in the number on the scale, but this was something else.  I just could not stop my mind from going over and over the numbers if what I was wearing was not exactly the same as last time.  In my warped way of thinking, there was always that lingering doubt that I had “messed-up the weigh-in,” and this was whether the number went up OR down!  If it wasn’t low enough, the clothes must’ve been heavier.  If it was low enough, it had to be wrong because these different clothes I wore must’ve been lighter.  Nuts!

Another example?  I used to have my “lucky” bowl, measuring cups, and measuring spoons.  I ate all my at-home abstinent meals with them.  I think that I actually believed that these things had mysterious powers that were helping me to stay abstinent.  How bad is THAT?!  Know when I found this out?  The day I broke the bowl.  I was SO, disproportionately upset!  I literally went shopping to find the exact same one and couldn’t.  Had to settle on something close.  Guarded it like a hawk.  CRAZINESS!

Another?  I HAD to go to the same meeting every week and I could not miss it no matter WHAT!  I’d go there sick, dead-tired,…you name it!   And what did I think would happen if I COULDN’T make it?  Why, I’d lose my abstinence, of course!  Same with making my 3 program phone calls per day and reading a page from 3 different books each morning and doing 15 minutes of writing and…and…and!

I guess all these things are what most people would call superstitions.  But the point is, whatever you call them, they are not only a huge waste of time and energy, but they also represent a distorted mindset.  Today, I do go to the same meeting every week (and many more!) and I do make program phone calls and I do write and I do read, but not because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t, but because I like what happens when I do!  My entire program is now based upon POSITIVE reinforcement (rewards) rather than NEGATIVE reinforcement (punishments)!  And what if I can’t make that ‘special’ weekly meeting?  I’ll catch another!  Didn’t make all those phone calls?  I’ll try again tomorrow.  Only did 5 minutes of reading and writing combined?  Maybe I’ll do extra the next day.  How did I get this change to happen?  I did the 12 Steps.  Through that work, I finally figured out that the only  “good luck charm” I need in my life is my Higher Power.  Through His guidance, I will be able to find that “balance” we addicts so desperately need in our lives.  And if I stay close to Him in all my affairs, I will soon discover that He will always make the number on the scale the “right” number, He will never get lost or broken, and he will always reward me with all the “magic” I need to stay abstinent…bowl or no bowl!

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March 26, 2012 This post was written by Categories: Leftovers Tagged with: • • • • • • • • •
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