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Gum-Chewing (And Other Abstinent Obsessions)

The very first time I became abstinent, I developed all kinds of other weird obsessions without even realizing it.  The first one was eating sugar-free mints.  I specifically remember asking my mom to get me a whole bunch at Christmas & Easter time so I would have something to pop in my mouth instead of chocolate.  Back them, “Velamints” were the latest thing, and I was eating them by the truckload.  But I was abstinent!  Then I heard someone in program talk about how she had “switched addictions,” using sugar-free mints as an example.  She went on to say that she finally had to give them up because someone told her that, technically, this was considered eating between meals.  I was shocked and horrifying, so I immediately stopped the mints…and switched to sugar-free gum.  For months-on-end, I bought 6-packs of sugar-free Bubble Yum and my jaw was always killing me.  But I was abstinent!  AND not eating between meals!  (I was not swallowing the gum, so that made all the difference, right?)  But then someone sharing their story at a meeting talked about this exact thing and said how she had to give up even the gum because doing ANYthing to the point of hurting yourself is just more evidence of the insanity of this disease.  That really bothered me, probably because I knew it was true, but I refused to give it up.  After all, hadn’t I already given up enough?!  I didn’t eat sugar, I didn’t eat flour, I didn’t eat between meals, I didn’t even eat sugar-free mints…and now I’m supposed to give up GUM?!  Are you KIDDing me?!  I never did it…and kept my aching jaw.  Soon afterwards I heard that some people gave up soft drinks because they became addicted to diet sodas.  Then I heard about people giving-up all artificial sweeteners because the taste of it triggered cravings for other (or more) sugar-free snacks.  Worst of all, I heard about those who had given-up FRUIT because the sweetness made them crave more sweet things!!  UGH!  Did it EVER end?!!  It always seemed that I wasn’t ever doing enough, and no matter how “good” I thought I was, there was always more to do!!

Since the above description was the sad state of my many short-lived runs of abstinence prior to this time-around (when I did the steps the way they are intended to be done), it is no wonder that it never lasted.  It is obvious to me now that for years I was just “white-knuckling it,” but at the time, I thought that because I had drastically changed my old ways of eating that I was “better.”  Somehow, even though I was going to meetings, I didn’t even notice that I was missing the biggest message of all – – that I would not be able to keep this up alone.  I needed to be constantly improving my personal relationship with my Higher Power, which I never did back then.  I got to the point of believing in a Higher Power and asking for His help in keeping me abstinent, but I stopped there.  That’s why I would always start getting back into the “perfectionism” and the “obsession” that are symptoms of the soul-sickness I never addressed.  I had stopped bingeing, but I hadn’t stopped hating myself.

Things are so different now.  After having been through the steps, I no longer feel the need to be “perfectly” abstinent or to try all the the different types of abstinence out there that work for others.  I am unique and I need to find out what works for me, whether or not it works for others.  I eat fruits (even sweet dried ones!), I chew gum (minus the jaw pain!), I use artificial sweeteners (a little more than I probably should) , and I occasionally use breath mints (like a sane person – – only to freshen my breath when there is no gum around.  I can even keep them in my car now without fear of gobbling packs at a time!)  However, for me, I have given-up caffeine (to help with my anxiety issues), I don’t eat sugar or flour (to keep cravings to a minimum), I don’t eat anything chocolate-flavored or any salty snacks (it’s a a control thing!), and I use a limited amount of Agave per day as a natural sweetener (in the hopes of one day not using any artificial sweeteners at all).  But none of this is ME doing it – – it is my Higher Power restoring sanity to my life.  And it is this newly-found sanity that gives me the strength to be kinder to myself, to like myself, and to take care of myself.  On my own, I self-destruct.

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April 18, 2012 This post was written by Categories: Leftovers Tagged with: • • • • • • • • • • •
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