Before I could even begin to approach the subject of believing in a Higher Power that loved me, I had to break-through a much more basic philosophical argument: why would a Higher Power be interested in helping me with something as mundane as my battle with weight?  Didn’t He/She/It have better things to deal with, like warring countries, starving children, and the return of ’80’s fashions?  I wouldn’t say that I went so far as to think that my Higher Power wanted no part of me because of all the “sinful” things I had done in my life (thankfully, I had not been brought-up with the concept of a “vengeful” God), but neither did I think that The Creator Of The Universe could be bothered helping me with my insignificant personal struggles and problems.

What helped me in the beginning of my program was seeing the effect that God had on other food addicts – – in OA was “proof” that He did care about helping people fight addictions.  But this is not the same thing as experiencing this help first-hand.  That only happened when I started to follow a food plan.  Soon I discovered (the hard way) that, in OA, with my Higher Power, I was able to stick to it.  Outside the program, without my Higher Power, I was not.  But even this type of experiential knowledge of God working in my own life was still a far cry from having a sense that my Higher Power loved me.

It was not until I became a regular listener of the teachings of Joyce Meyer (see Inspirational Links, if interested) that I began to contemplate this difference.  In one of her talks, she explained her personal struggle to understand that God was not only interested in using her to help others, but that he truly cared for her and loved her, the same way that a loving parent cares for a child.  She kept talking about how low self-esteem made it difficult for her to accept that this was true, and how she spent months talking to her reflection in the mirror, saying, “God loves YOU!  Not just everybody else.  He loves YOU, too!”  She said how she did this over and over and over again until, one day, she just “knew” that God loved her.  She said that the idea had finally gone from her head to her heart.

When that episode was over, I sat by myself for a long while, trying to wrap my brain around everything I had just heard.  I wanted to have that same feeling – that God loved me – but I knew that I didn’t, and I felt sure that it was for the same reason that Joyce gave: lack of self-esteem.  So I started doing the mirror thing.  But I also could really identify with what she said about it being okay for God to love everybody else, but ME?!  That’s where I had the problem.  I took a long while to just think about this from different angles.  I didn’t plan to do that, but it just happened.  And I’m glad it did.  Because here’s what I figured-out, and the way I figured it out:

1.  I do believe in God, and my conception of Him is that He is a super-naturally omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent being who created the universe and all lifeforms in it.

2.  Because my God knows all things, past, present, and future, He knew how all His creations would turn-out BEFORE He created them.

3.  Since my God is in charge of all things, He CHOSE to create everything, and everything He created is for His purpose.

4.  Since we are all “creatures” of God, we are all His children.

5.  My God is the God of perfect love, and my God loves all His children perfectly.

Then, as I thought and thought about these things, the following idea popped into my mind…

6.  By virtue of the fact that I am “a lifeform,” I must be one of God’s creatures, and if I am one of God’s Creatures, I must be one of His children, and if I am one of His children,…

I couldn’t say the rest.

If I followed my own line of reasoning to its logical conclusion, then I would have to admit that God loves ME!  Not just ‘everyone out there,’ or ‘people in general,’ or ‘mankind,’…  But ME!  Aren’t I a part of “everyone,” “people,” and “mankind?”  Of COURSE I am, but somehow, I had never known it until that moment!  I was always APART!  DIFFERENT!  A FREAK!  But that was a LIE!  I AM included!  I DO belong!  And God is NOT disappointed in me!  He knew everything I was going to do before I did it, all the food I was going to eat, all the weight I was going to gain, all the stupid things I was going say, all the terrible ways I was going to act,…and guess what?  He created me ANYway!  But…WHY?

“Because He wanted to.” 

That was what that “still, small voice” said to me.  And I couldn’t come up with anything to counter it.  God made me because He wanted to.  Period.  And in my mind, that was so close to saying “God loves me” that I was finally able to accept the idea, for the first time in my life.  I have doubted it at times, but if I can remind myself of how I came to this belief, I can’t argue my way out of it.

It actually gives me comfort to go over these thoughts in my mind.  It is my hope that they will do the same for you.