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I Can’t Blame My Family

Coming back to OA after a 100-pound-plus weight-gain was not easy – I’m not going to lie.  But once I was there, because I was a lot older and more worldly (I can’t honestly say “wiser”), I found it to be much easier this time to make friends.  Due to the inherent stunting powers of this disease, when I first came-in (in my early twenties), I was emotionally like a scared 12-year-old.  By my early 40’s, I am guessing I had made it to about my late teens – at least I could look people in the eye, hold a conversation, and fain interest.  After all, even this time in program, I wasn’t there to make friends…I was there to lose weight!  My OA acquaintances were just that, and I kept all of them at arm’s length.  Until I did the steps.  Then these seemingly superficial bonds became deep and strong, and soon I discovered an entire support system of people who had done the same sick things I had done with food, had broken away from all of it, and were ready, willing, and able to help me do the same.  Of course, they had been there all along, but now I was finally able to accept their help.  This opened-up a whole new and wonderful world for me, full of meaningful, spiritual discussions with interesting, intelligent people.

Thanks to this newly-acquired ability of mine – to actually talk and listen to the people in program with me – I immediately noticed a common theme in much of what I heard.  Many fellow members were genuinely shocked to learn that I came from a loving, “normal,” non-alcoholic family.  I can’t tell you how many people, upon hearing this, were immediately perplexed.  If I came from a “good” family and yet, still suffered miserably with the same type of addiction that they had in their “dysfunctional” families, then what did that say about how their up-bringing contributed to their addiction?  Many told me right-out that, until I shared my story with them, they had assumed that it was the way they were brought-up that had caused their problems with food.  But if “up-bringing” was the cause,…what was my excuse?

All my life, I alone bore the full responsibility of my weight problem.  I never blamed my parents.  How could I?  They were (and still are) loving, caring, protective, responsible, good-natured, and truly compassionate people.  And yet, I always felt different than them.  Like I didn’t belong.  Like I was an embarrassment to them.  No one else in my family had a weight problem, so I guess that was part of it.  But there was more to it than that.  Lots of times I felt like I was on the outside looking-in.  Like I was missing something, or lacking some inner quality that allowed everyone around me to feel at ease while I was constantly on-edge.  I was always a little sad.  A little anxious.  A little introspective, even during what were supposed to be happy, social occasions.  And since I could never figure out why I was like this, my feelings of separateness grew.

Through all my work in program, I believe that I have finally been able to properly “diagnose” myself: I was born with a “soul-sickness” – – a predisposition that would have lead me to become an addict of one type or another no matter who my parents were.  I truly believe that I have always been seeking a connection with my Higher Power (through things like food, the approval of others, shopping…), but because I could never find what I didn’t know I needed, I never felt “whole”…UNTIL I found a relationship with Him.

So if you are one of those people who have been blaming your parents or your childhood for making you the addict that your are today, you just might want to think again.  Even if you had had the very best up-bringing in the world, you may have still ended-up in the same exact place.

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April 25, 2012 This post was written by Categories: Leftovers Tagged with: • • • • • • •
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