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“It’s Over”

About a year ago, I was sitting in the back of an AA meeting, just listening to a speaker, the same way I had been doing for many-a-Friday night, when the words, “IT’S OVER” flashed in my mind.  My eyes were open, but I could “see” them as if I had my eyes closed and was trying hard to imagine them.  Then, out of nowhere, I started crying.  It was nothing that the speaker said, it was not my mood, and as far as I could tell, it was nothing that I did or experienced consciously.  Tears rolled down my face and dripped onto my shirt.  I was calm, not sobbing.  Just kind of thinking, “hmmm, this is interesting…”  It was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life.  Having spent decades battling depression and anxiety, I was half-expecting the feeling of panic or a barrage of negative thoughts to come flooding-in, but they never came.  Someone next to me asked if I was okay.  I just smiled and nodded.  He pushed a box of tissues across the table towards me and thankfully left me to my thoughts.  After the initial shock of these odd tears wore off, I started thinking about the words I had “seen.”  “IT’S OVER.”  “IT’S OVER.”  I kept repeating that phrase to myself, and soon, a strong feeling of hope came over me.  For a moment I tensed-up.  After all, feeling hopeful has never been familiar territory for me, and I found it to actually be a bit frightening.  But the complete thought finally broke-through the fear and sat in the middle of my mind, forcing me to have to deal with it.  It was this: “I never have to overeat again!  No more bingeing, no more hiding food in my car, no more waking-up to eat in the middle of the night, no more eating out of the garbage…it’s over.  It’s over!  It’s finally, really OVER!”  This time when the tears came, I knew they were tears of joy.  I was still afraid to dare hope that this idea was the truth, but somehow, deep down inside, I knew that it was.

February 29, 2012 This post was written by Categories: The Search For A Higher Power Tagged with:
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