What I Got Out Of Food
This idea was extremely difficult for me to understand. For years and years I have been to counselors who tried to get to the bottom of why I ate so much. They all said, in one way or another, that I must be getting something out of overeating or else I wouldn’t be doing it. I always told them that I hated bingeing and everything about it. That I didn’t even like the taste of the food I was eating anymore. That I was only doing it to make the obsession go away. And all of that really was my truth…at that time. So then they would try to get to the cause indirectly. Here are some of the techniques they had me try: being hard on myself, being easy on myself, being accountable to others (using the counselor, a nutritionist, a friend, a family member, or a doctor), not being accountable to anyone at all, weighing and measuring everything, weighing and measuring nothing, journaling, joining diet clubs, reading self help books, doing at-work weight loss contests, joining different exercise, fitness, and motivational groups,…
None of these things ever worked in the long run.
For me, it was not until I did The 12 Steps the way they are outlined in The Big Book that I even got close to finding out what this elusive ‘”benefit” of my binge-eating was.
I don’t really expect anyone to “get” this – – the same way I didn’t get it when well-meaning people tried to tell me the same thing – – but just in case there is the possibility that I may be able to spare just one someone the decades of pain it took for me to figure this…
Here goes nothin’…
I think it can all be boiled-down to this cliche: “the devil you know vs the devil you don’t.” For whatever reason, it was much easier for me to focus on an obsession that, although horrible and debilitating, was comfortable and familiar to me. In my twisted mind (the result of decades of negative thinking patterns that reinforced my fears and lead me to constantly seek “proof” of all that is bad about me and the world), the thought of having to face my real feelings or real-life situations SEEMED impossible for me to handle. I always had this belief that real life was going to be much more difficult to deal with than it actually turned out to be. But back then, I had nothing to compare these realities to because I had NEVER experienced them! EVER!! Food was ALWAYS my coping mechanism! I knew nothing but being mentally and emotionally consumed with all things “weight,” whether that be my appearance, my clothes size, my caloric intake, obtaining my binge foods, keeping myself “hidden” (literally, behind extra layers of clothing, and figuratively, by avoiding all forms of confrontation and many, MANY social situations), eating in secret, planning my next dieting scheme, agonizing over upcoming events where people would “see” how much weight I had gained, trying to be funny, smart, overly-perfect to distract from my size,…. (not to mention the thousands of other forms of self-abuse which included lots of nasty self-talk and not taking care of myself emotionally, physically, or spiritually). Since I had never learned any techniques for self-soothing (other than eating), I was constantly beating myself up for trying to deal with life the only way I knew how.
And yet, at the same time, all of this negativity and addictive behavior came naturally to me. It evolved over so many years and took so long to fully develop, that by the time I recognized what it was, it had already consumed my entire identity. It was actually to the point of being unconscious – – it was my “default” (as all you tech-savvy kids out there say today). I didn’t even realize what I was doing, even when counselors came right out and ASKED me…that’s how far gone I was! I really, honestly, DIDN’T GET IT! I wasn’t lying or stubbornly avoiding the truth…I genuinely THOUGHT I was being honest, and I guess I was being as honest as I could be at that time. I guess that’s what true denial is all about – – believing your own self-deception. I had actually “fooled myself” into thinking that avoiding reality (feelings, confrontation, social situations) was EASIER than facing life on life’s terms! I truly believed that it was EASIER to stay the way I was rather than try to learn something new about myself, even though I was simultaneously seeking a solution!! In this twisted scenario-o-mine, the “old” had now become comfortable AND easy! Who could resist? And as I stayed there in this little world of food addiction that I had created, my life continued to get smaller and more restricted, which is the ideal breeding ground for fear, which continues the cycle of self-pity and self-hatred, which leads to all kinds of weird forms of self-sabotage,… This is why I was trapped in a strange weird limbo-land where I was constantly convincing myself that it was useless to even attempt to conquer the very thing I was always trying so hard to fix!
Clear as mud, right?
Wanna see the short version?
- – – I ate because I was scared not to. – – –
July 3, 2012
This post was written by Sheryl
Categories: Leftovers
Tagged with: 12-Step program • Big Book • food addict • personal stories • recovery • The 12 Steps of Recovery
4 comments
Hi Sheryl. I’m thinking of joining a 12-step program for my food obsessions. Your post above really resonated with me. It was very honest. I’m very scared of “looking into the abyss” caused by not comforting myself with food. Avoiding my feelings or uncomfortable situations has made my life small, and it doesn’t get rid of pain at all. Thank you for posting this. I appreciate your bravery.
Hi Sheryl,
I found your site today when I googled food addiction/inspiration. Cool huh! I have been in a really bad space for several months + . I too have been in and out of OA for about 27 years. And, have lost hundreds of pounds in my lifetime. From 2004-2008 I had good abstinence and reached a goal weight. But, I spent so much time on my physical recovery and emotional recovery and not near enough on the spiritual recovery. I also never completed the steps. And it is a 12 step program, go figure. Since 2008 I have been in and out of “the rooms”, and have found brief periods of abstinence and relief. But nothing long term. Recently, I have come to believe I was one of the incapable unfortunates that would just never get it.
Over the last few days, I have hit a bottom in the unmanagibilty department. On three occassions, I have lashed out in a mean way verbally. Once to my partner, once to my dog and yesterday to my boss. It took lashing out to my boss to wake me up. So far she has been o.k. about it, but I am clear it cannot happen again. I know something has to change or it will happen again. (Sad that I did not wake up after lashing out to two of the beings I love most)
I have spent much of yesterday and today in tears and feeling paralyzed. Some how I got the energy… I am sure it was higher power …. To use the Internet for inspiration. Your story and what I have read so far resonated with me. Thanks for being there!
In the above blog, you write about staying in the little world of food and this making your life smaller and smaller. That struck a real chord for me. I absolutely feel like my life has gotten smaller. Food consumes my thoughts, like I can’t get enough and I want it and yet, the thought of food even disgusts me at this point, but I keep eating junk. My body is at a size that makes it uncomfortable to walk or stand. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I don’t have the energy to keep up with my imagination and desires. No wonder I am lashing out. I have come to realize, I feel like a caged animal and my walls are getting smaller and smaller. The smaller the walls get, the angrier I get and the more I lash out. As I write this it makes me sad… But grateful to have this insight . This is the most forward movement I have had in a while. Again, thanks for your service. And I will be tuning back in.
Thank you for stopping buy, Alexis! Glad I could be a little bit of a help to you. Please don’t give-up on program. All you have to do is do the steps exactly the way they are written in the Big Book. Big Book Step Study changed my life. Most meetings of that type can be found through AA, but there are some in OA, and many are called “all-addiction” meetings. I am sure my condition was just as bad, if not worse, than what you are describing, and yet it worked for me. Did you know that the only word of the Big Book that Bill W. wished he had changed was “rarely?” In the line, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path,” he wished he had written instead, “NEVER have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” When I heard that, I was so happy and hopeful! (Would have been nice to hear it as a newcomer, though!) Please stop by again. And let me know if you start to do the steps. Half-way thru step 4 was when the miracle happened for me! Good luck!
DEEP SHERYL….BUT I CAN SEE IT.
SO HAPPY THAT YOU FOUND THE “TRUTH”.