My Imaginary Audience
When I was in college, I took a class called “Adolescent Psychology.” That’s the first time I ever heard of the concept of an “imaginary audience.” And as soon as I heard it, I knew I had it – and always had. It is the idea of thinking you are always on-stage. That everything you do is being watched and critiqued by others. It is usually a feeling people have during their teens, and then they outgrow it.
I never did.
It would be one thing if my imaginary audience was made up of people I loved, or even liked. But my silent onlookers were more like a group of hecklers, made-up of the people I feared the most. In my mind, every move I made was scrutinized by this judgemental crowd. They made me feel like I was incapable of making even the simplest of decisions, like what shirt to wear, or how to apply my make-up. And the more in-public I was, the bigger and the nastier my audience became. For example, if I wanted to go to the store, the moment I walked out of the house, I felt like I was being watched by a group of people who didn’t like me while my worst enemy gave a condescending running commentary of my every move. (Can you tell that I have been told that I tend to use my vivid imagination against myself?)
That is the way I lived my life before program.
In doing my fourth step, however, I discovered that the leading voice in my imaginary audience was actually…MINE! That the “worst enemy” I mentioned earlier was in fact MYSELF!
Once I understood this at a gut level, my imaginary audience shrunk considerably. There may still be a few nameless stragglers milling-about the stands, a couple worn-out hangers-on, but mainly it’s just me there. And I have mellowed. I am not so hard on me anymore. And I am not so hard on others. And sometimes, when I am feeling especially close to my Higher Power, there have actually been times when I have been my very own CHEERLEADER!
July 3, 2012
This post was written by Sheryl
Categories: On-Going Victories
Tagged with: 12-Step program • Higher Power • personal stories • recovery • spirituality • The 12 Steps of Recovery
2 comments
AWESOME…I WISH EVERYONE WOULD READ THIS ….
YOU ARE RIGHT THAT IT IS PREVELENT IN TEENS….THEN DISAPPEARS…EXCEPT FOR SOME OF US…
GLAD THAT STEP FOUR MADE YOU REALIZE WHO THE REAL CULPRIT WAS…ISN’T THAT STEP MIND BLOWING.
Thank you for sharing this Sheryl. I can be my worst enemy as well. Thanks for the encouragement.