http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcxDNBPhVT0

PS – – here are the AWESOME lyrics to her song, “God Loves Ugly”:

You said that I wasn’t pretty so I just believed you

You said that I wasn’t special so I lived that way

With critical gazes and brutal amazement

At how my reflection could be so imperfect

With all of my blemishes how could somebody want me

But God loves ugly

He doesn’t see the way I see

Oh, God takes ugly

And turns it into something that is beautiful

Apparently I’m beautiful

‘Cause You love me

I tried to clean up the outside all shiny

And worked overtime to thin up and look right

But inside I knew that deep in the bottom

Were secrets I thought I could try to ignore

Old ghosts in my corridors

Never get tired

Of haunting the past that’s in me

Help me believe

Why you love me

When I know you see you see everything

Help me believe

Why you love me

When I know you see inside

And you still say I’m beautiful

You’re telling me I’m beautiful

You’re screaming out, so beautiful

And I’m finding out I’m beautiful

You’re making me so beautiful

And I can see I’m beautiful

‘Cause you love me

The next morning, I let the dogs out and remembered the moth on the front door.  I checked and was shocked to find that it was still there.  I went back inside, grabbed my camera, snapped a few shots, then downloaded them to see how they looked.  I was not at all happy with the close-ups – – they were all blurry.  The clearest photo was the one posted above.  So I went back outside to get a better picture.

The moth was gone.

Why was it there all night, and then suddenly gone once I took the picture?

I had never seen a moth like that in my entire life (I grew-up playing in the woods where collecting bugs was pretty-much a requirement).  I went back to the computer and looked at the enlarged image.  Is it me, or does that design on the wings look, not merely like a cross, but like a figure on a cross (if you click on the picture you can see an enlarged view of it).   Having recently become a Christian, I couldn’t help but think there was some special purpose behind this entire episode.  What that special purpose was?  I still haven’t quite figured that out yet.  But I really like the following quote I found online about this type of moth (called the Clymene moth), and I’m going to stick with this interpretation for now:

“When you see one of these moths

it means that your prayer has been answered

 and that the place where you found it

 is protected by angels.”

What helped me in the beginning of my program was seeing the effect that God had on other food addicts – – in OA was “proof” that He did care about helping people fight addictions.  But this is not the same thing as experiencing this help first-hand.  That only happened when I started to follow a food plan.  Soon I discovered (the hard way) that, in OA, with my Higher Power, I was able to stick to it.  Outside the program, without my Higher Power, I was not.  But even this type of experiential knowledge of God working in my own life was still a far cry from having a sense that my Higher Power loved me.

It was not until I became a regular listener of the teachings of Joyce Meyer (see Inspirational Links, if interested) that I began to contemplate this difference.  In one of her talks, she explained her personal struggle to understand that God was not only interested in using her to help others, but that he truly cared for her and loved her, the same way that a loving parent cares for a child.  She kept talking about how low self-esteem made it difficult for her to accept that this was true, and how she spent months talking to her reflection in the mirror, saying, “God loves YOU!  Not just everybody else.  He loves YOU, too!”  She said how she did this over and over and over again until, one day, she just “knew” that God loved her.  She said that the idea had finally gone from her head to her heart.

When that episode was over, I sat by myself for a long while, trying to wrap my brain around everything I had just heard.  I wanted to have that same feeling – that God loved me – but I knew that I didn’t, and I felt sure that it was for the same reason that Joyce gave: lack of self-esteem.  So I started doing the mirror thing.  But I also could really identify with what she said about it being okay for God to love everybody else, but ME?!  That’s where I had the problem.  I took a long while to just think about this from different angles.  I didn’t plan to do that, but it just happened.  And I’m glad it did.  Because here’s what I figured-out, and the way I figured it out:

1.  I do believe in God, and my conception of Him is that He is a super-naturally omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent being who created the universe and all lifeforms in it.

2.  Because my God knows all things, past, present, and future, He knew how all His creations would turn-out BEFORE He created them.

3.  Since my God is in charge of all things, He CHOSE to create everything, and everything He created is for His purpose.

4.  Since we are all “creatures” of God, we are all His children.

5.  My God is the God of perfect love, and my God loves all His children perfectly.

Then, as I thought and thought about these things, the following idea popped into my mind…

6.  By virtue of the fact that I am “a lifeform,” I must be one of God’s creatures, and if I am one of God’s Creatures, I must be one of His children, and if I am one of His children,…

I couldn’t say the rest.

If I followed my own line of reasoning to its logical conclusion, then I would have to admit that God loves ME!  Not just ‘everyone out there,’ or ‘people in general,’ or ‘mankind,’…  But ME!  Aren’t I a part of “everyone,” “people,” and “mankind?”  Of COURSE I am, but somehow, I had never known it until that moment!  I was always APART!  DIFFERENT!  A FREAK!  But that was a LIE!  I AM included!  I DO belong!  And God is NOT disappointed in me!  He knew everything I was going to do before I did it, all the food I was going to eat, all the weight I was going to gain, all the stupid things I was going say, all the terrible ways I was going to act,…and guess what?  He created me ANYway!  But…WHY?

“Because He wanted to.” 

That was what that “still, small voice” said to me.  And I couldn’t come up with anything to counter it.  God made me because He wanted to.  Period.  And in my mind, that was so close to saying “God loves me” that I was finally able to accept the idea, for the first time in my life.  I have doubted it at times, but if I can remind myself of how I came to this belief, I can’t argue my way out of it.

It actually gives me comfort to go over these thoughts in my mind.  It is my hope that they will do the same for you.

After I was back in program and working on The 12 Steps, I very slowly began to re-think the religion of my childhood.  This lead me to one of the best investments of my life: I spent $30 on the book, “Christianity For Dummies.”  I was immediately and completely stunned by my lack of knowledge of even the most basic teachings of Jesus, even though I had been raised a Catholic.  Next I bought a KJV Bible (because I had heard that it was the most accurate translation of the original texts) and I started reading it with the approach of a scientist doing research.  I wanted to know why so many people were drawn to Jesus and what was so special about His teachings.

Then one day, as I was channel-surfing, I happened upon a woman named Joyce Meyer (see Inspirational Links, if interested).  I did not know that she was also a Christian speaker.  In fact, when I tuned-in to her for the first time, she was talking about her addiction to chocolate-covered peanuts.  That, plus her matter-of-fact delivery and her quick wit, grabbed my attention.  I cynically sat there, waiting for a pitch for some new diet pill or new exercise machine that never came.  Then she started mentioning the Bible.  Thanks to Joel, I had already begun to put aside any past prejudice I had about formal religion, so I was okay with this and able and to just listen and see if there was anything in what was being said that could benefit me and my new lifestyle (just as I have finally learned to do at meetings).  But then Joyce mentioned…”The Devil.”

Now THAT was a different story.

I instinctively went for the remote control.  Then this thought came to me:  “Just substitute the words ‘my addiction’ for ‘The Devil’ or ‘Satan.’ ”  And that was all it took.  I am not saying that I agree with all of Joyce’s beliefs, but being open-minded enough to listen to the things she presents that DO seem right to me has made a huge difference in my life, especially with regard to her straight-forward techniques for how to squash the negative thoughts that had dominated my thinking (and therefore, my life) for more than four decades.  But even more than that, she helped me realize that what I was really seeking in all my “research” was a personal relationship with my God, not merely an intellectual understanding of Him.  This, combined with the foundational knowledge I now had about what it meant to be a follower of Jesus, convinced me that I was ready to call myself a Christian.

In February of 2011, quietly, at home, through prayer, I gave my life over to the care of Jesus.  Through the 12 Steps, I had already given my life over to a “God of my understanding,” but now that understanding included Jesus and all His teachings.  I then went through an odd period of wanting to tell the world about my awesome new life, but at the same time, being afraid that once I did, I would never be able to live-up to what it truly meant.  I really wanted to wear a cross, which I had never done in my life, but I didn’t feel “worthy.”  I have since made peace with this.  It took some time, but I finally realized that I could apply the program idea that I will never be perfect at following the 12 Steps, that “I am a work in progress,”  to my Christian walk.  As long as I can say that I am genuinely trying to improve, that is all that is required of me (and anyone else).

I have since started-out on a quest to find a Christian church.  I have sat down with three pastors/priests so far, each from a different Christian denomination, and I asked all of them the same grueling two typed pages of single-spaced questions.  All were gracious, all spent literally hours with me, and all expressed complete devotion to and conviction in what they believed, even though all three of them believe three completely different interpretations of the same exact Bible!  Again I was fascinated by the way, even among the same religion, people have come up with different ways to pursue the same thing – – a personal relationship with their God.  As it stands now, I consider myself to be non-denominational, for this very reason.  I also know that I do NOT want to be a part of any church that is critical of any other group, and that I DO want to be part of a church that is based on Jesus’ main doctrine, which is to love God and to love your neighbors (ALL of them, not just certain ones) as yourself.  To me, through the open-mindedness I have learned in program and through hearing about the wide variety of spiritual experiences that people everywhere are having every day in all different ways, it seems so arrogant that anyone would think that their way of following God is the “only” way or the “right” way.  How can anyone honestly believe that when we are talking about the spiritual realm, here!  Doesn’t that automatically mean that it is, by definition, beyond our limited human understanding?  All I DO know for sure is that I have way more than enough “on my plate” (so to speak) in trying to figure out my own walk with God to have any time or energy left over for judging and criticizing what other people are doing in their walk with God.

What others are doing is literally none of my business.

Once back in program, I slowly began turning to my Higher Power for help with all aspects of my life, not just for help with my battle with food addiction.  Yet, even though time and time again “HP” would come through for me, I kept hesitating (and sometimes still do) on looking to Him for guidance.  At some point, although we had started our own property management company and were making enough money to get-by, we had no money for anything unexpected, such as medical expenses and home maintenance.  I knew it was time to look for a side job, but I didn’t want to.  Over those previous 2 years, I had become comfortable with my work-from-home lifestyle and felt that looking for another job was somehow admitting that I had failed at running my own business.  For a couple weeks I stewed about it, sulking and complaining to myself and to my husband about all of it.  Finally the day came when I remembered that I was supposed to be taking all my problems to God, so I prayed about it.  Almost immediately I heard that “still, small voice” (which sounded just like me) say that I should go on Craigslist to look for a part-time job.

I was not happy.

In the middle of my office, I started to have an out-loud argument with God. Thankfully, I was home alone.  Here’s how the conversation went down (I put the “God Voice” in italics to emphasize the gentle, loving tone it had, even though I was sounding like a ranting loon):

Me:  I am NOT getting another job!

HP:  But don’t you think getting one would be the responsible thing to do?

Me:  Of COURSE I do!  But once I do that, I will be putting my extra time into something that is leading me AWAY from my goals rather than leading me TOWARDS them!

HP:  But you guys need the money right now.

Me:  Don’t you think I KNOW that?!   But I’ll get stuck!  I KNOW it!  I’ll end up getting a part-time job that I hate, get sucked-into full-time because it’s the “right thing to do,”  and I will hate my life and have no time for me ALL OVER AGAIN!  I am NOT doing it!

HP:  It doesn’t have to be that way.  You can find something that is only part-time, or maybe even temporary.

Me:  I won’t be able to find THAT!  I just KNOW it!

HP:  Just try.

Me:  NO!

HP:  Trust me…

Me:  UGH!  FINE!  But I am only going to look under the ONE category that I want to look at!  That is IT!  I am NOT settling for something I am going to HATE!

HP:  That’s fine.

I flopped into the office chair in front of my computer and banged on the keys until I was on Craigslist.

Me:  Here it is…I am only going to look under this category: “graphic arts.”  And that is IT!  I MEAN it!

HP:  ok.

As most of you probably know, this category of job listings on Craigslist is probably the smallest group on the whole site.  There are usually NO jobs here, and when they do have a listing, it usually requires that you be a current college art student willing to work for nothing, or it is some type of sub-contracting computer graphics position, for which I have absolutely no training whatsoever.  What I was hoping to find was a position for a mural artist, but from my numerous past attempts at this, I knew my prospects were not good.

About half-way down the scant first page of listings was a heading that read something like this:

“Painter wanted for touch-ups in preschool.”

I automatically assumed that they were looking for a mural artist because I was in the graphic arts section, not the construction / maintenance section, so I clicked on it.  This is the gist of what the ad said:

“Seeking property manager to do light patching, painting, and maintenance work at our two childcare facilities, must be able to pass a background check, a drug test, and have experience working with children.  Part-time, as-needed.”

I was shocked.  First of all, why was this ad in this category?  It was clearly not a graphic art position.  Second, what were the odds that a “misplaced” ad would be for a “property manager,” and that I, someone who had just started a property management company, would stumble upon it?  Third, who the heck but ME would have property management experience AND experience working with children (before I got into property management, I had been a preschool teacher for 10 years) AND be available “as needed” AND be able to pass a drug test any time, any where (I am one of those rare birds who has never gotten high or drunk in my life)!!  I just kept staring at the screen.  It was as if this position was created, not only to my exact specifications, but to my exact QUALIFICATIONS!!

“The icing on the cake,” so to speak?   I replied to the email and got a response within a couple of hours saying that I sounded perfect for the job, and then I had an interview a few days later.  I showed the owners, not only photos of my maintenance work, but also ones of my murals and my teaching experience.  Long story short?  I got THREE jobs – count’em – – THREE jobs in 1!  They hired me as the property manager (which has completely flexible hours that work easily around running my business), they had me fill-out all the necessary paperwork to be a substitute assistant teacher, and they said they would keep me in mind for some upcoming murals that they were planning to add to their schools in the future!

“The cherry on top?”  The owners and workers alike are all just SUPER-wonderful, loving, caring people.  I cannot tell you what a blessing they have all been to me.  Even now that I no longer need to work there as a substitute assistant, I am so grateful that they were able to help me through that rough time, and I continue to do maintenance work and art work for them on a regular basis.

Who but God could have orchestrated all this?!  I considerate it to be one of my greatest “proofs” for the existence of a Higher Power working in my life today!!  All I can say is…Thanks, HP!!

But when you really think about it, don’t we all “hear voices” all the time?  For some reason, though, we don’t have a problem with it if we say that we need to “reprogram the negative tapes in our heads.”  But aren’t those tapes actually “voices” in our minds telling us that we aren’t good enough or that we are worthless or that everyone is talking about us?

We each have a voice inside of us that sounds like us, and it tells us all sorts of things all the time.   The only difference between this voice and the voice of our Higher Power is that all the messages that come from our Higher Power are POSITIVE messages.  Kind of like what you “hear” when you say that your “conscience” told you to do or not to do something.  Or what you hear when you spontaneously speak words of encouragement to yourself or others.  I once heard someone in a meeting say that he liked to think of that Dr. Seuss book, “Horton Hears A Who,” whenever he imagined his Higher Power trying to communicate with Him.  I’ve also heard that positive voice being likened to a radio channel – – it is constantly sending out signals, but if you are not tuned-in to that particular frequency, you are not going to get the messages.  That’s why meditation is so important – – it forces us to quiet all that “noise” (negative tapes, self-talk, memories, to-do lists,…) that is always spinning around in our brains so we CAN hear that still, small voice.

Remember, your Higher Power should be tied-in to something that makes you feel good, like the The Power Of Love or The Good Of Man, so that when you hear that voice, it will not be shouting at you or condemning you.  If your Higher Power makes you feel like you are a “bad” person, you need to change that channel…and FAST!