In the past, I got involved with exercise programs as a means to lose weight.  Consequently, whenever I “went off” a diet, I stopped going to the gym.  It was all or nothing.  Black or white.  It had nothing to do with my health, but EVERYthing to do with that number on the scale.  In my sick mind, if I was not eating right (i.e., losing weight), what was the use?

Thanks to OA and the 12 Steps, things are different now.  For the first time in my entire life, I have joined a gym for the RIGHT reasons!!  For the past 6 weeks, I have been going three times a week as a means of decreasing stress and increaseing my heart health.  Period.

And guess what?

It’s already working!!

I tend to carry stress in my neck and shoulders, and since I have started some light weight-training, that “pain in the neck” is gone!  Also, I have been monitoring my blood pressure, and that is down several points as well!  Of course, I don’t mind the “side effect” of feeling my clothes getting a little looser, but that is not my motivation anymore.  Now that I feel better about myself, I can more clearly see The Big Picture: that I am worth taking care of and that excercise can help me do this.  That exercise is to be used as a tool to help improve my sense of well-being, NOT as a shortbcut to a smaller body size.  Took long enough for me to finally figure this out, but it finally happened!  HOORAY!

Thanks, again, HP!!

Up until last year, I would still periodically torture myself by trying to get off my medicine.  I would secretly wean myself down to a very low dose,.. not even telling the doctor who was prescribing it… until it was too late.  Then I would start having the anxiety attacks again, and thinking I was going to die in my sleep, and obsessing about death and dying, and I’d get heart palpitations to the point of forcing me to the emergency room (where they always told me “it’s just anxiety”) – – and then I would have to wait several weeks for the higher dose to kick-in.  And I would always vow that I’d never try to go off it again…until a few months later.  (Now that I think about it, isn’t that the same way I always handled my food problem?)

It has literally taken me DECADES to finally come to terms with the fact that there are just some people, like me, who need anti-depressants – – the same way a diabetic needs insulin.  I am talking about people who use it correctly, here, under close medical supervision.  Over the years, I have been told by many doctors and psychologists that there is nothing to be ashamed of  – – that I have a chemical imbalance that is probably hereditary.

So imagine my shock several months back at hearing someone at a meeting telling the group that being on anti-depressants is the same as being “on drugs,” and that people who take them while in program are “not really clean.”

Are you KIDDING me?!

I had all I could do not to jump up and scream at this person.

First of all, no one should be speaking “at” the group.  In program we are taught to share our OWN experience, and to NOT assume that what is right for us is right for others.  But aside from that, it is COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE for someone in program to make general statements about the taking of ANY type of medications!  Talk about being presumptuous, self-centered, and SELFISH!!  Suppose there was someone in the audience who was suicidal?!  Who is only still alive thanks to this type of medicine?  Maybe they are only able to get to a meeting BECAUSE they are on it!  And maybe their newly-found abstinence or sobriety is the only positive thing in their life right now!  Who has the right to take that away from ANYone?!  EsPECially from someone in such a fragile mental state?!  That important point aside, this doesn’t even begin to address the issue of anyone in the audience (like myself) who may already be battling their own inner demons with respect to this matter.  What good does it do these people to be told that they are failures?!  Clearly this is something people need to resolve FOR THEMSELVES!

Moral of the story?  DO NOT let others in program become a substitute for your doctor, your intuition, or your God!  Listen to God, listen to your body, and listen to the advice of more than one medical professional.

IMPORTANT!!!! 12-Step meetings are NEVER the place to get your medical advice! 

Doesn’t mean I want to do it, though.

At first I looked at my beloved pink packets (the yellow ones make me physically sick and the blue ones just scare me) as what I “deserve” – – the same way I used to look at all foods I wanted to eat – – as if eating them was a reward for good behavior.  At that time, I was consuming about 15 packets a day.

About a year into my food plan, I started to look at those packets as “treats” – – something to give myself a little pick-me-up.  I could finally recognize that they were not the best choice, but that they did help me stay on track by satisfying the need we all have for sweet-tasting foods.  In an odd way, this was growth for me, because it was acknowledging that it was OKAY for me to like sweet things and that, even though I may not have the “perfect” food plan,” I had made one that it was do-able, which, for me, was the most important part.  At this point I was down to about 10 packets per day.

After 2 years of abstinence, it finally started to dawn on me that “food equals fuel.”  Period.  It is not “good.”  It is not ” bad.”  It is not “a reward” or “a “punishment.”  It is not a comforter or something to use to get revenge on others (or myself).  It is simply the way I get the nutrients required for my body to work properly.  There is nothing EMOTIONAL about it!  I am not saying that I have this concept entirely down pat yet, but it is definitely starting to take shape.  I have since substituted agave nectar for many of my pink packets (I chose this sweetener because it supposedly has a low glycemic index) and for the past 4 months I have not noticed any difference in cravings.  I currently use 3 tablespoons per day, plus 3 pink packets.  Not perfection, but definitely progress!

Then, a couple weeks ago, I was at a convenience store and there was a sign for a sugar-free frozen drink made out of diet soda.  Hmmmm…

Had to try it.  I’m not gonna lie.  It was YUMMY!

Next day I had another.

Next day another.

That night I was sick.  Must be made of yellow packets.  Had to give it up.

Doesn’t mean I wanted to, though.

…and the battle continues….

The summer after 11th grade, as I swam in the backyard pool, my mind was swimming with visions of a thin senior year.  As was my custom, I vowed some time during the last week of school to stick to a strict diet of carrot sticks and water for the entire summer and return to school 3 months later magically transformed into a raving beauty.  But it would all be to no avail once week two of summer vacation arrived.  However, what made The Great Summer Diet Attempt of 1984 so different from all the others was the new low I hit in binge-control (or lack-there-of).

I started-off with the usual enthusiasm.  (Back then, I was young and foolish, not yet jaded by four decades of unsuccessful weight-loss attempts.  In my forties, I barely had the energy left to put-up a fight at all.)  I was going to only eat 800 calories per day.  Where I came-up with that figure, I have no clue.  I started out doing it in a healthy way (or, I should say, in as healthy a way as an 800-calorie-per-day diet can be), by spreading out my food consumption evenly throughout the day.  I basically ate fruits, veges, and one thin tuna sandwich on wheat bread daily.  By the fourth day, that ice cream in the freezer was calling my name.  By the fifth, it was screaming at me.  By the sixth, I had the measuring cups out and came to the wise decision that I could eat 400 calories of “real food” and still have 400 calories left to “spend ” on ice cream.  Ingenious!

That brilliant plan lasted about two days.

7 days after I had started, the idea came to me that the ice cream would be much better if I added a half-cup of unsalted peanuts to it.  (Doesn’t that sound sickeningly like the guy in The Big Book who decides that a shot of whiskey would taste great in his milk?!)  Peanuts are healthy, I reasoned.  Especially unsalted ones.  Yes, they are high in calories, but I could just take off some more calories from my “healthy” food list and use them for that…so now I was eating a cup of ice cream, a half cup of peanuts and 3 fruits every day.

That lasted about 3 days.

Then the REAL insanity kicked-in.

For the next week I lived-off little else but ice cream and unsalted peanuts.  But here was the kicker! – – I did it one half-cup at a time!  I ACTUALLY went through the trouble of measuring-out the ice cream in one-half cup servings, even if I ate TEN of them, just so I could feel like I was in control and be able to write down the amounts and figure out the calories!  Needless to say, I barely left the house that entire time!  I felt like I was chained to the freezer!  (AND the calculator!)  Finally, after 2 weeks of white-knuckling it, I gave-up.  Whatever few pounds I had lost were re-gained within a week.  Then I spent the rest of the summer bingeing and then starving and basically managing to stay the same weight as when I started, but continuing to mentally abuse myself for not being able to lose all the weight I thought I needed to lose.

Not exactly the type of summer a sixteen-year-old should be having.

I remember more than once taking this as my signal to forget the whole weight-loss thing.  The effort that it takes we true compulsive overeaters to lose 50 pounds is HUGE – especially if we are doing it alone – so to think that all that time and energy (and exhausting “white-knuckling-it”) only lead to a difference in my FACE was…well…a SLAP in the face!

All kidding aside, the problem with this whole thing always was and always will be my perception of it.  In the past, without my Higher Power helping me with all this, my motivation for losing weight was all wrong.  Back then, even when I was in program, I was seeking a pat-on-the-head for working so hard at all this.  I wanted that approval from everyone around me.  For example, I would go to family gatherings, and by the end of what was supposed to be a happy occasion, I’d be SEETHING as I re-counted all the people there who either did not acknowledge my weight-loss, or who didn’t acknowledge it the “right” way.  CRAZINESS!    Then I’d go home, get on the “pity-pot,” and eat over it, blaming my actions on THEM!

At least,…I thought I was blaming them.

Now, after doing the 12 Steps, I can see the reality.  Some part of me, way down deep inside, knew it was “my fault” that I didn’t get the responses I wanted.  Again I had not succeeded at being thin “enough,” good “enough.”  Logically, I knew that the reason why they didn’t notice how much weight I lost was because I still had so much more to go.  But emotionally, this was not a good enough answer!  I needed outside approval in order to continue and I needed it NOW!  Again the enormity of getting to my goal weight loomed before me and that was the real reason why I would eat – – because I “knew” that I couldn’t do – – or that I wouldn’t be able to keep-it-up.

Thankfully, this is not the way I feel about that saying anymore.  I have had many people say it to me in love, and I am able to receive it that way today.  Why?  Because I am no longer seeking complements as my reason to continue the fight.  Of course, occasionally I am hoping someone I haven’t seen in a while will notice how much weight I have lost so far, but as a good friend pointed-out to me, some of my old acquaintances did not see me at my biggest – – so I look the SAME to them!

Really?!

There are actually people out there living their lives completely independent from me and my weight problem?

Fancy that!

Since the above description was the sad state of my many short-lived runs of abstinence prior to this time-around (when I did the steps the way they are intended to be done), it is no wonder that it never lasted.  It is obvious to me now that for years I was just “white-knuckling it,” but at the time, I thought that because I had drastically changed my old ways of eating that I was “better.”  Somehow, even though I was going to meetings, I didn’t even notice that I was missing the biggest message of all – – that I would not be able to keep this up alone.  I needed to be constantly improving my personal relationship with my Higher Power, which I never did back then.  I got to the point of believing in a Higher Power and asking for His help in keeping me abstinent, but I stopped there.  That’s why I would always start getting back into the “perfectionism” and the “obsession” that are symptoms of the soul-sickness I never addressed.  I had stopped bingeing, but I hadn’t stopped hating myself.

Things are so different now.  After having been through the steps, I no longer feel the need to be “perfectly” abstinent or to try all the the different types of abstinence out there that work for others.  I am unique and I need to find out what works for me, whether or not it works for others.  I eat fruits (even sweet dried ones!), I chew gum (minus the jaw pain!), I use artificial sweeteners (a little more than I probably should) , and I occasionally use breath mints (like a sane person – – only to freshen my breath when there is no gum around.  I can even keep them in my car now without fear of gobbling packs at a time!)  However, for me, I have given-up caffeine (to help with my anxiety issues), I don’t eat sugar or flour (to keep cravings to a minimum), I don’t eat anything chocolate-flavored or any salty snacks (it’s a a control thing!), and I use a limited amount of Agave per day as a natural sweetener (in the hopes of one day not using any artificial sweeteners at all).  But none of this is ME doing it – – it is my Higher Power restoring sanity to my life.  And it is this newly-found sanity that gives me the strength to be kinder to myself, to like myself, and to take care of myself.  On my own, I self-destruct.

Well, yesterday was the day.  In classic style, I did not eat or shower, and on the drive up, I tried to estimate what the number on the scale would be.  Since this was to be my second weigh-in on my newly revised (and minimized) food plan, I was feeling good.  Last time I had lost 3 more pounds, so, “according to my calculations,” I figured I had to lose at least that much.  Then I subtracted another pound just because I was feeling so “light,” and because that would make my grand total a cool 80 pounds!  HOORAY!!  Then I subtracted another pound for those two “are you losing more weight?” complements I got in the same week.  Hell, might as well make it TWO, one for each!  Surely I was shrinking fast.  By the time I pulled-up at the counselor’ office, I had successfully sold myself on the delusion that I had lost at LEAST 6 pounds.  IMAGINE!  I actually THOUGHT that all these incidents “added-up” to a physical number that would register on a scale!  No WONDER why that device always held such “weight” with respect to my self-esteem!  Too bad it was all pure LUNACY!

With empty pockets and shirtless, I stepped onto the scale.  I had only lost one pound!  ONE!  After all my SACRIFICING?!  Are you KIDDing me?!  I was really upset…for about ten minutes.  Luckily I usually have just about that much time alone in the waiting room before I get called-in to see my counselor.  Since this has happened many times in the past year, I have learned how to cope – by praying and focusing on the positives,…  But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.

To me, this is the exact moment when all the program work I have been doing for the past six weeks really kicks-in.  If I have spent that time praying, meditating, spending time with God, going to lots of meetings, talking-out my feelings, and “doing the next right thing,” I am able to have enough sanity and clarity-of-thought to turn to my Higher Power and know that I will be able to get past this disappointment and move forward just like everyone else does.  However, if I have spent the past six weeks turning away from my Higher Power by getting wrapped-up in all the petty details of my life, giving-in to my negative ruminations (which is a form of mediation that hurts you rather than helps you), and isolating, then I am very shaky and run the risk of entertaining that most insidious question: why I am even bothering?  But I have come to realize that THAT RIGHT THERE IS the disease itself.  It is that gnawing feeling that keeps trying to convince me that all my hard work won’t pay off and that I will never be able to continue this for the rest of my life.   But in reality, I don’t HAVE to do ANYthing!  All I am doing is CHOOSING to do this ONE MORE DAY!  That’s IT!  That’s ALL I have to focus on!  TODAY I am going to be abstinent, and TODAY I am not going to worry about tomorrow!

What helped me in the beginning of my program was seeing the effect that God had on other food addicts – – in OA was “proof” that He did care about helping people fight addictions.  But this is not the same thing as experiencing this help first-hand.  That only happened when I started to follow a food plan.  Soon I discovered (the hard way) that, in OA, with my Higher Power, I was able to stick to it.  Outside the program, without my Higher Power, I was not.  But even this type of experiential knowledge of God working in my own life was still a far cry from having a sense that my Higher Power loved me.

It was not until I became a regular listener of the teachings of Joyce Meyer (see Inspirational Links, if interested) that I began to contemplate this difference.  In one of her talks, she explained her personal struggle to understand that God was not only interested in using her to help others, but that he truly cared for her and loved her, the same way that a loving parent cares for a child.  She kept talking about how low self-esteem made it difficult for her to accept that this was true, and how she spent months talking to her reflection in the mirror, saying, “God loves YOU!  Not just everybody else.  He loves YOU, too!”  She said how she did this over and over and over again until, one day, she just “knew” that God loved her.  She said that the idea had finally gone from her head to her heart.

When that episode was over, I sat by myself for a long while, trying to wrap my brain around everything I had just heard.  I wanted to have that same feeling – that God loved me – but I knew that I didn’t, and I felt sure that it was for the same reason that Joyce gave: lack of self-esteem.  So I started doing the mirror thing.  But I also could really identify with what she said about it being okay for God to love everybody else, but ME?!  That’s where I had the problem.  I took a long while to just think about this from different angles.  I didn’t plan to do that, but it just happened.  And I’m glad it did.  Because here’s what I figured-out, and the way I figured it out:

1.  I do believe in God, and my conception of Him is that He is a super-naturally omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent being who created the universe and all lifeforms in it.

2.  Because my God knows all things, past, present, and future, He knew how all His creations would turn-out BEFORE He created them.

3.  Since my God is in charge of all things, He CHOSE to create everything, and everything He created is for His purpose.

4.  Since we are all “creatures” of God, we are all His children.

5.  My God is the God of perfect love, and my God loves all His children perfectly.

Then, as I thought and thought about these things, the following idea popped into my mind…

6.  By virtue of the fact that I am “a lifeform,” I must be one of God’s creatures, and if I am one of God’s Creatures, I must be one of His children, and if I am one of His children,…

I couldn’t say the rest.

If I followed my own line of reasoning to its logical conclusion, then I would have to admit that God loves ME!  Not just ‘everyone out there,’ or ‘people in general,’ or ‘mankind,’…  But ME!  Aren’t I a part of “everyone,” “people,” and “mankind?”  Of COURSE I am, but somehow, I had never known it until that moment!  I was always APART!  DIFFERENT!  A FREAK!  But that was a LIE!  I AM included!  I DO belong!  And God is NOT disappointed in me!  He knew everything I was going to do before I did it, all the food I was going to eat, all the weight I was going to gain, all the stupid things I was going say, all the terrible ways I was going to act,…and guess what?  He created me ANYway!  But…WHY?

“Because He wanted to.” 

That was what that “still, small voice” said to me.  And I couldn’t come up with anything to counter it.  God made me because He wanted to.  Period.  And in my mind, that was so close to saying “God loves me” that I was finally able to accept the idea, for the first time in my life.  I have doubted it at times, but if I can remind myself of how I came to this belief, I can’t argue my way out of it.

It actually gives me comfort to go over these thoughts in my mind.  It is my hope that they will do the same for you.

After I was back in program and working on The 12 Steps, I very slowly began to re-think the religion of my childhood.  This lead me to one of the best investments of my life: I spent $30 on the book, “Christianity For Dummies.”  I was immediately and completely stunned by my lack of knowledge of even the most basic teachings of Jesus, even though I had been raised a Catholic.  Next I bought a KJV Bible (because I had heard that it was the most accurate translation of the original texts) and I started reading it with the approach of a scientist doing research.  I wanted to know why so many people were drawn to Jesus and what was so special about His teachings.

Then one day, as I was channel-surfing, I happened upon a woman named Joyce Meyer (see Inspirational Links, if interested).  I did not know that she was also a Christian speaker.  In fact, when I tuned-in to her for the first time, she was talking about her addiction to chocolate-covered peanuts.  That, plus her matter-of-fact delivery and her quick wit, grabbed my attention.  I cynically sat there, waiting for a pitch for some new diet pill or new exercise machine that never came.  Then she started mentioning the Bible.  Thanks to Joel, I had already begun to put aside any past prejudice I had about formal religion, so I was okay with this and able and to just listen and see if there was anything in what was being said that could benefit me and my new lifestyle (just as I have finally learned to do at meetings).  But then Joyce mentioned…”The Devil.”

Now THAT was a different story.

I instinctively went for the remote control.  Then this thought came to me:  “Just substitute the words ‘my addiction’ for ‘The Devil’ or ‘Satan.’ ”  And that was all it took.  I am not saying that I agree with all of Joyce’s beliefs, but being open-minded enough to listen to the things she presents that DO seem right to me has made a huge difference in my life, especially with regard to her straight-forward techniques for how to squash the negative thoughts that had dominated my thinking (and therefore, my life) for more than four decades.  But even more than that, she helped me realize that what I was really seeking in all my “research” was a personal relationship with my God, not merely an intellectual understanding of Him.  This, combined with the foundational knowledge I now had about what it meant to be a follower of Jesus, convinced me that I was ready to call myself a Christian.

In February of 2011, quietly, at home, through prayer, I gave my life over to the care of Jesus.  Through the 12 Steps, I had already given my life over to a “God of my understanding,” but now that understanding included Jesus and all His teachings.  I then went through an odd period of wanting to tell the world about my awesome new life, but at the same time, being afraid that once I did, I would never be able to live-up to what it truly meant.  I really wanted to wear a cross, which I had never done in my life, but I didn’t feel “worthy.”  I have since made peace with this.  It took some time, but I finally realized that I could apply the program idea that I will never be perfect at following the 12 Steps, that “I am a work in progress,”  to my Christian walk.  As long as I can say that I am genuinely trying to improve, that is all that is required of me (and anyone else).

I have since started-out on a quest to find a Christian church.  I have sat down with three pastors/priests so far, each from a different Christian denomination, and I asked all of them the same grueling two typed pages of single-spaced questions.  All were gracious, all spent literally hours with me, and all expressed complete devotion to and conviction in what they believed, even though all three of them believe three completely different interpretations of the same exact Bible!  Again I was fascinated by the way, even among the same religion, people have come up with different ways to pursue the same thing – – a personal relationship with their God.  As it stands now, I consider myself to be non-denominational, for this very reason.  I also know that I do NOT want to be a part of any church that is critical of any other group, and that I DO want to be part of a church that is based on Jesus’ main doctrine, which is to love God and to love your neighbors (ALL of them, not just certain ones) as yourself.  To me, through the open-mindedness I have learned in program and through hearing about the wide variety of spiritual experiences that people everywhere are having every day in all different ways, it seems so arrogant that anyone would think that their way of following God is the “only” way or the “right” way.  How can anyone honestly believe that when we are talking about the spiritual realm, here!  Doesn’t that automatically mean that it is, by definition, beyond our limited human understanding?  All I DO know for sure is that I have way more than enough “on my plate” (so to speak) in trying to figure out my own walk with God to have any time or energy left over for judging and criticizing what other people are doing in their walk with God.

What others are doing is literally none of my business.

At that very moment, I started down a path of self-discovery that still continues today.  Right up until then, my entire life had been spent changing my behavior depending upon what I believed others were thinking about me.  Now, for the first time, I was questioning my ability to “know” what these thoughts were.  To my utter amazement, I soon found that the stark, cold reality was that I had no idea whatsoEVER what people were really thinking about me…and that I NEVER had!  My entire life had been spent doing all this posturing based upon a complete fabrication!  Or, rather, MILLIONS of complete fabrications, which, ironically, turned out to be the very thoughts I had about MYSELF!  All my life, I had been unconsciously projecting all the harsh and critical thoughts I had about myself onto others, and then blaming everyone around me for the reason why I felt so bad about myself!  WOW!  Did THAT ever blow my mind!!  And to see the actual evidence of all this IN MY OWN HANDWRITING was UNBELIEVABLE!  It’s not like this was something someone else had written.  This was all straight from my own heart and mind, and there it all was in black-and-white, sitting right in front of me in a huge four-inch-thick binder.  I immediately started feeling depressed and overwhelmed by all the wasted years, energy, tears,…

That’s why we do all this with a sponsor.  We talked about all of it.  She told me that none of us will ever know what everyone is thinking about us and that – – get this! – – it is none of our business, anyway!   She said that all I am supposed to be doing is looking at what I am thinking about me.  Suddenly, I felt relieved.  Here was a way out!  For 35 years I had been worrying about what everyone around me thought about me and changing my behavior accordingly, but NOW, all I had to do was look at MY OWN thoughts?  Just the thoughts of ONE person as opposed to the thoughts of HUNDREDS?!  AMAZING!  I immediately realized that this would make my life SO much easier, and it HAS!

About a year later, I had a similar yet not-so-profound revelation while I was sharing at a meeting.  I was sharing about this “e.s.p.” thing when it suddenly dawned on me that this was only half the story.  Not only did I really believe that I “knew” what people thought about me, but I also thought that everyone thinks exactly the same way I do, AND that they therefore “know” exactly what I am thinking and feeling about THEM!    I really thought that everyone always “knew” how their actions would effect my feelings.  In other words, if anyone ever did anything that hurt my feelings, it was done purposely!  No WONDER why I was so pissed-off at everyone!  How crazy is all THAT?!  But at the same time that I recognized all of that, I also understood that all of it was not true!  NO ONE thinks exactly like me, and MOST people think a whole lot DIFFERENTLY than I do, and, as shocking as this may seem…..some people actually say and do things that are NOT IN ANY WAY RELATED TO ME!!  DOUBLE-WOW!!

So ended my theory that I am the center of the universe.  Do I still think I can “read” people?  Sometimes.  But at least now I stop myself and realize that this is an old behavior that I am trying to change, and then I ask my Higher Power to help me to remember that it is none of my concern what people are thinking about me, and that, if someone does hurt my feelings in some way, they probably did not do it intentionally.  All that really matters is how I treat others, what I think about myself, and what my Higher Power thinks about me.  And ya know what?  I am finally starting to believe that He thinks I’m a pretty cool person!  Ya know what else?  He thinks the same about you, too!