I am standing in front of the open fridge, my right hand resting on the top shelf on the door, which is about the same height as I am.  The golden light illuminates all the shelves and I am scanning them, looking for something sweet.  The image of Maraschino cherries comes to mind.  The red ones.  Where are they?  I look around the containers of milk and juice, and finally think to check the shelves in the door.  GOT’em!  I silently unscrew the lid, pick out one, and pop it in my mouth.  A burst of overly-sweet juice shoots though my mouth and slides down my throat.  I eat another.  Then another.  Now it’s TOO sweet.  I quietly get the lid back on and the jar back in the door, then I start looking again.  Now I have to find something salty.  I spot a jar of mayonnaise.  THAT’S the taste I am looking for!  I am again silently unscrewing a jar lid.  Somehow there is a spoon in my hand (or maybe I used my fingers?) and I take a huge mouthful.  Smooth and salty.  I am just about to go for a second scoop when I feel someone tap me on the back.  I jump a mile and spin around at the same time.  It’s my father.  He gently tells me to put the mayonnaise jar away and go back to bed.  Nothing more.  I am mortified!  I feel completely humiliated and ashamed, even though he doesn’t say a word to me about what I am doing.  I suddenly “know” two things:  there is something wrong with me, and I have let my father down. 

I carried these negative feelings around with me continuously for the next 36 years.  It wasn’t until I worked the steps two years ago that I fully understood that there is nothing “wrong” with me (I have a disease) and that I have ALWAYS been the one judging me (not my father, not my family, and not anyone else).  For so many years I have been projecting the way I felt about myself onto others, and I think it may have all started with this one incident.

Hope this is helpful to someone.

In the past, this tiny little pound, which could just be nothing more than a normal fluctuation having nothing to do with overeating, would have been my green light to go, GO, GO! and eat, EAT, EAT!  Even just staying the same, especially after 8 weeks of following an abstinent food plan, would have been WAY more than enough for me to call it quits.  But now, because I am finally working a spiritually-based program and sanity is starting to enter my way of thinking, I understand that the number on the scale is nothing more than a tool.  It is something that helps me decide if I need to make changes to my food plan.  It is no-longer my “morality-meter.”  Thank you, GOD!

Twenty-four years after my first OA meeting, I was at an AA meeting and someone shared about how he’d had another “drunk dream.”  He said that when he woke-up, he was actually sweating from fear and that it took a few seconds for him to realize that he had not really “slipped.”  He then thanked God because he said that he saw each time that he had one of these dreams as a gift from God because it allowed him to get drunk, feel the misery of what that would be like, and then wake-up with a renewed sense of gratitude for another day of sobriety.  Ever since then, whenever I have a “food dream,” I shake-it-off and thank my Higher Power for reminding me just how precious my abstinence is.

You will eventually hear in the halls of OA that all addicts have “built-in forgetters” when it comes to recovery, meaning that we constantly need to be re-reminded why we ever decided to fight this battle in the first place.  By reading The Promises on a regular basis, not only does it train our minds to focus on something positive for a change, but it helps us to combat this pesky forgetfulness and reminds us that the battle is indeed worth the fight.  So in times of doubt, temptation, or despair, give this a try: find a quiet place to sit or lie down and read The Promises to yourself, really thinking about each.  Imagine what it would mean to you, personally, if each came true – how each would change your life in another positive way.  Try to picture what living that new “promised” life would be like.  You will be surprised how just a few minutes of this will lift your spirits just enough to get your butt back out on that battlefield.

For me, the most shocking part of this little self-appraisal has been noticing how many times I allow myself to get too tired or too anxious (or a combination of these two, which I describe as a feeling of being “overwhelmed”).  I was never one to nap, but now I do if I need to.  Same with taking time-out for deep breathing or meditation when I am feeling especially anxious.  And who would have thought that taking a drink, either of water or of a low-cal drink, would actually take away cravings?  Not me, that’s for sure!  But now I keep plenty of decaf coffee and ice on hand for iced coffee and I actually look forward to having it.

So the next time you are being nagged by one of those pesky food thoughts, think “Hat-Blat” and take the time to fix the real issue rather than eating.  By that time, the craving will have passed – – or at the very least, it will probably be time to eat your next abstinent meal!

I also find it very helpful to keep my measuring cups and spoons handy.  For me this means that they stay on the window sill above my kitchen sink.  I also make sure I have a spare set of measuring cups and spoons, just in case the ones I need are dirty.  Nothing will discourage the use of measuring cups and spoons like not being able to find them when you need them.  Plus, before I leave the house in the morning, I make sure that all the pans and utensils that I need to prepare my dinner meal are clean and ready to go.  I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to come home from a long day, hungry, tired, and ready to cook, only to find that everything I need to do it is sitting in the dishwasher, dirty, because I forgot to turn it on.  Finally, I also find it helpful to prepare for long car rides.  I like to bring fruit with me.  It doesn’t “feel” like the food I used to binge on in my car during my days as an active food addict, so it doesn’t “set me off,” but it takes the edge off just enough to get me safely and sanely to my next meal without that ravenous feeling.

By taking the time to consistantly do these few simple things, you will be helping yourself stay abstient for the long haul.  And that’s the whole point.

But when you really think about it, don’t we all “hear voices” all the time?  For some reason, though, we don’t have a problem with it if we say that we need to “reprogram the negative tapes in our heads.”  But aren’t those tapes actually “voices” in our minds telling us that we aren’t good enough or that we are worthless or that everyone is talking about us?

We each have a voice inside of us that sounds like us, and it tells us all sorts of things all the time.   The only difference between this voice and the voice of our Higher Power is that all the messages that come from our Higher Power are POSITIVE messages.  Kind of like what you “hear” when you say that your “conscience” told you to do or not to do something.  Or what you hear when you spontaneously speak words of encouragement to yourself or others.  I once heard someone in a meeting say that he liked to think of that Dr. Seuss book, “Horton Hears A Who,” whenever he imagined his Higher Power trying to communicate with Him.  I’ve also heard that positive voice being likened to a radio channel – – it is constantly sending out signals, but if you are not tuned-in to that particular frequency, you are not going to get the messages.  That’s why meditation is so important – – it forces us to quiet all that “noise” (negative tapes, self-talk, memories, to-do lists,…) that is always spinning around in our brains so we CAN hear that still, small voice.

Remember, your Higher Power should be tied-in to something that makes you feel good, like the The Power Of Love or The Good Of Man, so that when you hear that voice, it will not be shouting at you or condemning you.  If your Higher Power makes you feel like you are a “bad” person, you need to change that channel…and FAST!

The other thing I’d like to just throw out there is the reason behind all this measuring.  I think it makes a lot of sense to look at all of it as a metaphor for us trying to “measure” our self-worth.  We desperately want those numbers to “prove” to us that we are “good enough.”  To tell us what we do not believe about ourselves on our own.  Why else would are moods be so closely tied-in to those numbers?  Ever notice how the amount on the scale or which pair of jeans you can squeeze into can determine the kind of day you’re going to have?  That is just the type of nonsense that has to be corrected.  Until we can get to that place where we just “know” we are fine the way we are, we will never be able to conquer our addiction.

The good news?  The 12 Steps are designed to help you do just that.

Although there are obviously many different types of food plans, there are a few things that most of the good ones have in common:

A list of “binge foods” to avoid.  In my opinion, this is the most important part of your food plan.  It also is the most difficult to come to terms with, IF you are trying to do it without the help of your Higher Power. (Luckily, in program, this is not the case).  Unfortunately, unless you are on a food plan for medical reasons, it will take some time for you to experiment in order to find what works for you, but it is well-worth the time and effort.  For example, in the beginning, because I knew I could not control the amount of chocolate I ate, I knew had to give it up.  But did that mean I couldn’t have anything that was chocolate flavored?  How about sugar-free chocolate?  Over the years I have learned that, for me, it is just so much easier to eliminate all forms of chocolate.  But that’s just me.  Another example is potato chips.  I have never been able to eat “just one.”  But what about popcorn?  Or nuts?  They’re healthy, right?  Not if you eat the whole jar or can, they’re not!  Through trial, error, a whole-lot of praying, and a whole-lot of pig-headedness, I came to the same conclusion with all of these…for me, it is just easier not to eat any salty snacks or any nuts at all.  You will also hear many people in OA talk about how they have given-up sugar and flour.  At first glance, this may seem like an impossible tasks, since that would eliminate almost every form of bread, pasta, cereal, and dessert.  But again, if you seek the help of your Higher Power, you just may discover (as I did) that, once you get through the withdrawal symptoms (which last about 2 weeks), you no longer have any physical cravings for these things, which makes staying abstinent a whole lot easier.  There are also degrees of “no sugar/no flour” eating.  Some people read the labels of every single bite they put into their mouths, never putting any form of these two things into their systems.  At restaurants they make sure these items are not in the ingredient lists.  They may even call ahead when dining out to be sure sugar/flour-free foods are available.  Personally, I don’t do any of that.  In fact, I allow myself to eat “breaded” items and some salad dressings that contain sugar, even though I do consider myself to be on a no sugar/no flour plan.  My rule of thumb is this: if I can’t stop eating it, I can’t have it.  So far, so good on these two items.  Other than that, I have not eaten bread or pasta in over 2 years and I don’t miss them at all.  And YOU can do the same, if that appeals to you!  But you need to go slow, and you need the help of your Higher Power in order to do it.  Ask Him/Her/It for help, and then get rid of the one food item that you have the most difficulty controlling and see what happens.  Try not having it for JUST ONE DAY.  Commit to your sponsor (or someone else in program if you don’t have one yet) what you are doing – this will make you accountable.  Then try another day.  And another…  See if you can make it to two weeks, if for no other reason than to see if you can feel a difference in the intensity of your cravings after the withdrawal period has passed.  (Reminds me of a program saying that goes something like this: “If you are not completely satisfied with recovery, you can always have your misery back.”)  Then, if you want to try eating a controlled amount of that food, go ahead and try it.  Do you start obsessing over eating it all over again?  Do you binge on it right away?  If so, this is probably something you would be better-off eliminating entirely.  If not, it can probably stay, in controlled amounts.  Ask your Higher Power what He/She/It thinks.  You WILL get an answer.

A list of eating behaviors to avoid.  As all food addicts are well-aware, there are certain behaviors that just “set-us-off.”  For example, maybe eating fast food triggers you to eat too much.  Maybe eating in your car does.  (For me it was both.)  How about waking up in the middle of the night to eat?  (I think that was the absolute worst one for me!)  Or hiding food around the house?  Or eating items out of the freezer that were not meant to be eaten frozen?  Or eating out of the garbage?  Or vomiting, using laxatives, or over-exercising to compensate for bingeing?  Or, or, OR!  You get the idea.  All good food addicts have a few (if not all) of these skeletons in their closets.  Make a list  of these behaviors and take a good, hard look at all of them.  Then, with he help of your Higher Power, eliminate that one, most-bothersome behavior, JUST FOR TODAY, the same way you did with that one food item.  Again, commit this decision to someone in program.  For me, I had to give-up eating in my car and all fast food drive-thrus for quite some time.  Now, however, I am able to do those things occasionally, but I have a list of specific items that I can order and I now recognize that there is something very unsatisfying about not eating at a table.  It is a true miracle…I actually RATHER NOT eat in the car nowadays, whereas before, I couldn’t stop!  And that horrible night-eating thing is gone, too!  I will NEVER miss the nightmares and the early morning indigestion THAT would cause!

A description of the portion sizes you are allowing yourself.  Whether you use measuring cups, a food scale, “scoops”, “bags,” “half-a can,” “one piece,” the amount that fits on your plate, or the serving you are given at a restaurant, you are going to need some guidelines here, since most compulsive overeaters have problems with quantity.  As with all the other topics listed above, there are those who are loose about measuring, and those who take it to the extreme.  Some OA’s bring their measuring cups to restaurants with them.  Others refuse to go out to eat at all because serving sizes in restaurants are almost always bigger than what a measured portion would be at home.  Still others ask their waiters to split the meal in half before it comes out (so they are not tempted to keep eating) and take the rest home in a doggie bag for another meal.  For me, if I am at home, I use measuring cups (but not a food scale – – too many bad memories!).  When I am at a restaurant, I allow myself to eat the amount that is put in front of me.  (Ironically, since I have given myself permission to do that, there have been many times in the past 2 years that I have decided NOT to finish it!  Now if THAT’S not a miracle, I don’t know WHAT is!).  But when I am eating at someone else’s house or at family-style/buffet-type restaurant, I don’t measure with cups, but I do try to eye-ball what looks “right.”  I have actually started to develop a “gut-feeling” about what that amount is for me.  If I get a twinge of a sick feeling inside, I put some back.  That feeling usually gives me just enough time to remind myself that the extra mouthful or two is no longer worth my peace of mind.

A statement of how many times per day you can eat.  Many people in program follow the “old-school” approach of eating “three balanced, moderate meals a day with nothing in-between except coffee, tea, or low-cal drinks.”  The latest OA view on food plans, however, leaves them up to the individual.  Personally, I need the flexibility to eat snacks.  Besides a greater emphasis on spirituality, this was probably the most important difference in my recovery this time around.  And it is no coincidence that this is the time that I have been able to, not only maintain a 75 pound weight loss, but to do so for a year…even though I am not at my goal weight! That means that I have been following a food plan for over a YEAR even though I have not lost any more weight!  That is HUGE for me!  In the past, why would I even BOTHER?!  But this time, because I stay connected to my Higher Power, and because my snacks take away that feeling of deprivation/punishment that I always associated with “dieting,” I have been able to stay on my plan, “one day at a time”…for over 2 YEARS!  I eat every 3 to 4 hours and I never get hungry!

A plan of action for the times you go off track.  The best piece of advice I ever got in Overeaters Anonymous came from my latest sponsor.  Back in 2009, when I was just starting out on my current food plan, I overate at a meal and called her in a panic.  She said, “The first 24 hours are the most important.  The first thing you need to do is continue on your food plan.  Do NOT cut out any food that you still have left to eat for today.  That just starts-up that whole cycle of feeling deprived and punishing yourself.   The second is to call me or another person in program when you are done eating for the day and commit to not eating anything else until breakfast tomorrow.  Then, call me tomorrow and commit to me what you will be eating for the entire day.  By the following day, you will feel better.  For whatever reason, as soon as you get-in one really ‘squeaky-clean’ day of abstinence, you will feel better and be able to leave it behind you and move forward.”  As I have said before, I have been around OA since 1988, but I had never heard anything so powerful.  An actual WAY OUT!  And it worked EXACTLY like she said!  Ever since then, whenever I eat too much (and it DOES happen!), I follow this advice just the way it is written here and I am able to continue-on!  Remember: it is WAY more important that your abstinence be long-term rather than perfect!

Once the alcoholic has made the decision not to drink, he never has to touch alcohol again.  He can follow this rule “perfectly.”  But the food addict still has to eat – – daily, and at least three times per day.  That gives the food addict plenty of opportunities to “mess-up.”  What if you absent-mindedly lick the spoon while you are cooking?  What if you are asked to “taste” something and you do it out of habit?  What if you “feel like” you ate too much at a restaurant?  What if you think that the portion sizes you had at that family gathering seemed a little larger than usual because you were too embarrassed to whip-out your measuring cups?  Do these things mean that you have “broken” your abstinence?  Some people would say “yes,”  but myself and many others would say “no.”

My theory on this is based on my new-found belief that I have to cut myself some slack with this whole addiction-breaking thing.  I have been a food addict ever since I can remember (my first negative food memories go back to around age 7 or 8), so this condition is not likely to completely disappear any time soon.  This gives me plenty of time to hone my food plan and my healthy-eating behaviors.  In the meantime, I need to be gentle with myself, realistic with my food plan, and patient with my weight.

For years I tormented myself over not being able to be “perfectly on” any given diet or exercise regimen, only to fail at each and fall further away from my goals every time.  Now I have lots of little “tricks” that allow me to eat a little extra on different occasions – which is okay for me today.  In the past, I was not “allowed” this type of leeway.  Now I am.  Of course, there would be those in program who would argue that this is not a good idea because it goes against the whole concept that we addicts are different and that we need to embrace this difference in order to recover.  But as I say, I think this is true, but only to a point.  I would argue that conquering a food addiction is more closely related to getting rid of a character defect rather than getting rid of a drug addiction.  Why?  Because your character defects hang around long after you have made the decision to get rid of them.  For example, you can’t go “cold turkey” on following your food plan perfectly any more than you can do it with, say, not being selfish ever again.  If selfishness is a big part of your personality (as it is with most addicts), it is going to take a long period of reconditioning your mind (with what basically boils-down to the behavior modification techniques of the 12 Steps) before that part of you falls away.  Likewise, over time, you will become better and better at being abstinent the more you work the program – – which is why I am a strong believer in the idea that abstinence (when compared to sobriety) has much more to do with progress than perfection.

So try to focus on each day separately rather than on reaching a certain number of “perfectly abstinent” days in a row.  In time, that number will take care of itself, as long as you continue moving forward, and just focus on doing “the next right thing.”  Besides, all any of us really have is today, anyway.