Drinking & Drugging?  To me they are similar to the above example of smoking in that both are constantly romanticized in movies, on TV, in books,…   While we’re at it, we might as well throw-in sex addiction here.  Somehow, over the years, all three of these have become intertwined with the stereotypical lifestyle of rock musicians and former child stars. Often tragic, yes, but still somehow appealing, in a media-tabloid sort of way.

Gambling?  Maybe not so romantic, but definitely exciting.  Ever see all the neat stuff you can do and buy at a casino?  It’s a money-spender’s paradise, the perfect destination for gamblers and shopaholics, alike!  And the allure of obtaining even MORE money is always just one pull away!  I can definitely see the appeal.

Then, of course, you have the “glamour” of anorexia/bulimia.  Can runway models be any thinner?!  With so many magazines berating stars whenever they gain a few pounds, it’s a wonder these eating disorders aren’t running rampant through the lives of the rich and famous.  (Personally, I think they are, but I believe that their “handlers” warn them against getting too thin.)  And in a society that defines beauty according to body size, who DOESN’T want to be labeled as “attractive?”  So you might have to destroy your insides in the process.  Small price to pay if you at least get the benefit of looking good on the OUTside, right?

So what do all these “cool” addictions have that compulsive overeating DOESN’T?

You can HIDE all the others.

You can’t hide a morbidly obese body.  (It’s impossible.  Believe me.  I’ve tried.)

Which is exactly the reason why it is the uncoolest addiction of them all.

In all the other cases, a person can “seem” normal much of the time, even to themselves.  If smokers aren’t smoking (and are not at the stage of hacking-up a lung), they would not stand-out as a nicotine fiend.  If drug addicts or alcoholics are sober, you might not know they have an addiction at all.  Nothing about gamblers or sex addicts (or even serial killers, for that matter) would make those people stand out in a crowd.  And controlled purging and exercise addiction may mask itself as a fitness addiction (which is actually seen as a positive in this country).  But when you’re carrying around 100, 200 or 300 pounds of extra “you” around, everyone sees it and knows exactly how you got that way.  You NEVER get a break from it!  Every time you look in a mirror or catch a glimpse of your reflection in a storefront window or go to the doctor or go clothes shopping…  There is just no way to escape the physical evidence of this disease.  Worse, you don’t even have the dignity of being able to hide it from others!  In this way, I think compulsive overeating and binge-eating cause their own peculiar type of psychological damage that none of the other addictions can come close to.

Sadly, Hollywood continues to use this unpleasant reality of the disease to perpetuate some of the worst stereotypes about people who are obese.  Even in this era of political correctness, you will still see cartoons, movies, music videos, and sitcoms portraying overweight people in the same old tired roles.  Here are a few of my least favorites:

The face-stuffing, gas-blowing, belching, offensive friend.

The lazy, desperate, ugly, reclusive sister/aunt (typically a single female).

The food-is-like-sex addict with an overly-confident view of her ability to attract men (which is supposed to be the funny part).

The painfully shy, bullied, depressed teen who is chronically suicidal.

Only in recent years have we started to see obese characters with real depth.  Overweight people with real sex appeal.  “People Of Size” as the main character, not just some negative supporting role who’s only purpose is make the other person look more attractive.  But it’s still so sad that, even now, an overweight person still has to feel like they are being smacked back to the reality of their low status in society, even in the midst of seeking the same escape that everyone else is looking for in the entertainment industry.

Not surprisingly, I remember spending years of my youth wishing I had a “better” addiction.  I figured that if I could just get over my fear of embarrassing myself that I could at least forget about my weight problem for a while by getting drunk!  At one point I even considered doing cocaine, thinking it would make me thin (until a worldly friend told me that it was possible to do coke AND be fat).  But who was I kidding?  I was even too scared to even smoke a joint!  Then I heard about bulimia.  Now THAT made sense to me.  For, isn’t it the dream of every true food addict to be able to pig-out AND be thin – – AT THE SAME TIME?!?!  I was thinking about it so much that I even told my counselor about my secret desire to become bulimic.  She quickly told me all the horrible medical side-effects, and that stopped me in my tracks.  My fear of doctors and hospitals actually came in handy in that particular situation.  (Isn’t it funny how God works in our lives, even when we don’t even know He’s there at all?)

Just in case all of this is not proof enough for you of the “uncoolness” of being a food addict, here is the one thing that annoys me above all the others…

Compulsive overeating and binge-eating are even considered to be “uncool” by other addicts in recovery! 

Not by ALL of them, of course,…  But still.

At first I couldn’t believe it.

Don’t believe me?  I personally know of at least two people in AA who are very open with friends and family about their involvement with the 12 Step program with respect to alcohol, but who won’t even tell their own spouses that they also attend OA meetings!

Need more evidence?   I have actually had people come up to me IN MEETINGS and tell me that overeating is “easy” to fix – – that it is just a matter of discipline and willpower.  Really.  Couldn’t I, who has never gotten drunk or high in my life, say the same about alcohol and drugs?  I’ve even had AA’s come up to me after I’ve shared about my food addiction to offer me diet tips and suggestions about local diet clubs!  As if I had somehow lost my way and wondered into a 12 Step meeting by accident!  They weren’t being mean, but they weren’t able to grasp that my addiction was every bit as serious as theirs.  They were genuinely oblivious to our common “soul sickness.”

Another example?  I shared a short food story at an AA meeting one night (I was actually asked to because everyone else had already shared), and when I was finished, the next person who spoke actually cross-talked at me and started laughing out loud about how I didn’t know what real addiction was compared to his “bad” drug problem that landed him in jail!  I was mortified!  Luckily, an old-timer came to my rescue and yelled out, “No cross-talk!”

And yet, it is through experiences such as these that I have been able to find my niche within the open AA meetings I attend: I am a self-appointed OA ambassador.  I no longer take offense when people with other addictions don’t get the connection or understand why I am there.  Instead, if they approach me, I see it as an opportunity to talk to them and explain the similarities between food and alcohol addiction, and eventually most of them get it.  In fact, I now have many AA friends who have told me that after they stopped drinking, their eating started getting out of control.  Still others I talk to have shared that, when they really thought about it, they realized that they had been food addicts long before they had ever even tasted alcohol.  Best part of all?  I have succeeded in convincing a few of these people to check out OA, and some of them are starting to “stick!”

Addiction is addiction.

Only a Higher Power can save us, ALL of us (cool & uncool addicts alike), from ourselves.

Up until last year, I would still periodically torture myself by trying to get off my medicine.  I would secretly wean myself down to a very low dose,.. not even telling the doctor who was prescribing it… until it was too late.  Then I would start having the anxiety attacks again, and thinking I was going to die in my sleep, and obsessing about death and dying, and I’d get heart palpitations to the point of forcing me to the emergency room (where they always told me “it’s just anxiety”) – – and then I would have to wait several weeks for the higher dose to kick-in.  And I would always vow that I’d never try to go off it again…until a few months later.  (Now that I think about it, isn’t that the same way I always handled my food problem?)

It has literally taken me DECADES to finally come to terms with the fact that there are just some people, like me, who need anti-depressants – – the same way a diabetic needs insulin.  I am talking about people who use it correctly, here, under close medical supervision.  Over the years, I have been told by many doctors and psychologists that there is nothing to be ashamed of  – – that I have a chemical imbalance that is probably hereditary.

So imagine my shock several months back at hearing someone at a meeting telling the group that being on anti-depressants is the same as being “on drugs,” and that people who take them while in program are “not really clean.”

Are you KIDDING me?!

I had all I could do not to jump up and scream at this person.

First of all, no one should be speaking “at” the group.  In program we are taught to share our OWN experience, and to NOT assume that what is right for us is right for others.  But aside from that, it is COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE for someone in program to make general statements about the taking of ANY type of medications!  Talk about being presumptuous, self-centered, and SELFISH!!  Suppose there was someone in the audience who was suicidal?!  Who is only still alive thanks to this type of medicine?  Maybe they are only able to get to a meeting BECAUSE they are on it!  And maybe their newly-found abstinence or sobriety is the only positive thing in their life right now!  Who has the right to take that away from ANYone?!  EsPECially from someone in such a fragile mental state?!  That important point aside, this doesn’t even begin to address the issue of anyone in the audience (like myself) who may already be battling their own inner demons with respect to this matter.  What good does it do these people to be told that they are failures?!  Clearly this is something people need to resolve FOR THEMSELVES!

Moral of the story?  DO NOT let others in program become a substitute for your doctor, your intuition, or your God!  Listen to God, listen to your body, and listen to the advice of more than one medical professional.

IMPORTANT!!!! 12-Step meetings are NEVER the place to get your medical advice! 

“One of the many doctors who had the opportunity of reading this book in manuscript form told us that the use of sweets was often helpful, of course depending upon a doctor’s advice.  He thought that all alcoholics should constantly have chocolates available for its quick energy value at times of fatigue.  He added that occasionally in the night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by candy.  Many of us have noticed a tendency to eat sweets and have found this practice beneficial.”

At the time it was written, I’m sure author Bill W. never imagined that this book was going to be used to help compulsive overeaters.  But isn’t it fascinating how he is recommending the replacement of alcohol with sugar because of the “positive” effects?

I have seen many people from AA who are able to give-up drinking only to find that they have a raging food addiction.  After years of seeing this over and over again, I can’t help wondering if this has to do with the suggestion of eating candy whenever they have a craving for alcohol, or if their addictive personality would have lead them to that new vice anyway.  Or maybe it is something more biological than that.  I have heard food addiction described as just another form of the body’s allergy to alcohol because both involve the way our bodies break down sugars.

Of course, I have also met many alcoholics who switch from swigs to sweets and are very successful with their programs and have excellent recovery.  So apparently this is great advice, as long as you are not pre-disposed to having an eating disorder!

Whatever the reason, many AA’s end-up in OA, and many of them have told me that giving up excess food was much more difficult than giving-up drinking.  They say that this was due to the fact that with alcohol, they never had to put it into their bodies again.  With food, they still had to “mess with it” every single day.  I don’t know how true that is, since I have never had a drinking problem, but I just thought it was interesting to see what The Big Book had to say on the topic of food.  It may not be very helpful to true compulsive overeaters, but to me, it sheds a little more light on the similarities between these two deadly diseases.

The following week, I was relieved to see that that person was not at the meeting.  But when it got to be time for sharing, many people spoke about him and the positive impact he’d had on them.

I was floored.

Almost everyone who shared that week said that seeing that man in the throws of his disease strengthened their gratitude for the gift of sobriety that they had been given.  Some of the old-timers even went so far as to say that God was using that man to speak to all of us about how horrible addiction is and that they were praying for him every night, hoping that he would come back so they could help him the way that he had already helped them.

Powerful.

I felt like such a jerk after that meeting.  As I drove home, I took a hard look at the way I had completely taken that situation and made it all about me – – that guy was disrupting MY meeting.  He was making ME uncomfortable.  He was taking all the time away from the people I wanted to hear.  But since when are the 12 Steps about SELF?!  Then I started thinking about this whole thing in relation to food, and I realized something very…disturbing.

I went to OA meetings “drunk” all the time!

This last time coming back to program, if I hadn’t been “allowed” to show-up at meetings feeling bloated and sick from the binge I just had in my car on the way there, I would probably be dead right now.  How DARE I be so judgemental of a fellow suffering addict who, even in his drunken state, knows that AA is the only place on earth that will welcome him with open arms!

This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but it is one that I will never forget.

The concept behind this first step is definitely not difficult to grasp.  When we decide to do the steps, it is usually only out of a feeling of desperation.  Most “newbies” already feel powerless over their addictions when they walk through the doors, otherwise they wouldn’t be there.  The hard part is the action associated with this step.  That action in AA is to give-up drinking.  In OA, that action is creating and sticking-to a food plan.  Either way, the way we express our willingness to continue with the rest of the steps is by abstaining from our drug of choice.  This is why finding a “food sponsor” quickly is so important.  Food sponsors are an invaluable resource at this time of fighting-off cravings, experimenting with portion sizes and binge foods, and being accountable for our new commitment to a healthier relationship with food.  This is also the perfect time to start developing a support system.  Most people in program, whether they are your sponsor or not, are more than happy to take calls and emails if you are having trouble sticking to your plan between meetings.  Most OA meetings pass around contact lists – if a person’s information is there, you are free to take it and add that person to your support network.

What about a Higher Power?  Well, at this point, most people in program will tell you to “fake it ’til you make it.”  You do this by simply getting on your knees in the morning and asking the God of your understanding for the ability to stick to your new guidelines, and then getting on your knees again at night and thanking Him for the help He gave you.  Whether or not you even have a Higher Power in mind when you do this has no effect on the process.  The point is to just take this suggestion and “pretend” that you believe.  I know, it sounds crazy, but it works.  When I came into program I didn’t believe in any type of God, but several people said, “Do you believe that I believe it works for me?  Then just try it.  It will work for you, too.”

There are those in program who will argue that it is doing the steps that leads you to the ability to give-up your drug of choice.  They would probably site the fact that The Promises of the program are located half-way through Step 9, meaning that you would have to have completed at least steps 1-8 before you see any real recovery.  However, myself and many others don’t hold to this view. One of the most important and rewarding things you will ever do for yourself is going to be writing-out your 4th step.  Nothing in my life has been as important to me as this.  Had I tried to do this life-changing step while bingeing, I feel certain that the results would not have been nearly as profound.  I think you are doing a huge disservice to yourself by NOT getting “clean” at the outset.  Even if your first version of abstinence is merely a list of foods you are giving-up because they cause you to binge, or just the elimination of a few triggers (such as eating in the middle of the night, eating in the car, and eating in-secret), at least it is a beginning – – and a beginning is all that is needed.  The point is to get some feeling of control and confidence under your belt.  After that, you will see the true “magic” of the program in action: the longer you go to meetings and the closer you get to your Higher Power, the more you will want the type of recovery you see in those who are working a more sophisticated program, which in turn will motivate you to work the program harder.  It will come naturally – you won’t even have to force it, as long as you keep coming and keep trying.

So take some time to make some food guidelines for yourself (or ask a fellow member with some good recovery to help you create a food plan), tell someone what you want to do, and start doing it.

P.S. – – I have personally found that doing the steps with a “step sponsor” was much more productive than doing them either alone or with a food sponsor.  If you can get involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting and find a sponsor there to guide you through the steps INDEPENDENT from the work you are doing with your food sponsor, I highly recommend doing so.

Twenty-four years after my first OA meeting, I was at an AA meeting and someone shared about how he’d had another “drunk dream.”  He said that when he woke-up, he was actually sweating from fear and that it took a few seconds for him to realize that he had not really “slipped.”  He then thanked God because he said that he saw each time that he had one of these dreams as a gift from God because it allowed him to get drunk, feel the misery of what that would be like, and then wake-up with a renewed sense of gratitude for another day of sobriety.  Ever since then, whenever I have a “food dream,” I shake-it-off and thank my Higher Power for reminding me just how precious my abstinence is.

For whatever reason, my entire life was spent cowering beneath the shadow of the belief that I was a “bad” person because I could not control the amount of food I ate.  It shaped my personality, formed my behavior patterns, dictated what I could and could not do, strangled my sense of self, and stripped away my self-esteem.  I come from a loving family, I never wanted for anything, and I always felt loved and supported by my parents and relatives, so what was the problem?  In the end, my sense of self-loathing was so bad that I actually convinced myself that the only reason why my parents “acted” like they loved me was because they “had to,” since they were my parents.  Same with relatives.  And friends?  Well, surely they felt sorry for me and were just being “nice.”

What a sad way to live.  Sometimes even now when I look back on all those wasted years I feel sad, but the good news is that I have finally escaped it all.  Some people (MANY people) never get that far.  It may have taken me until the age of 42, but at least I got out!

What is extremely important to take away from this post is the idea that compulsive overeating is a legitimate disease that has three components: a physical allergy, a mental obsession, and a spiritual sickness.  You can read all about this in The Big Book (see the “12-Step Links” at the top of this page if interested), but the bottom line is that it is not your fault that you have this disease, any more than it would be your fault had you been born deaf or if you were diagnosed with cancer.  The sooner you can accept this fact, the better off you will be.

What you are seeking here is a spiritual energy source that you can tap-into which is bigger than you, stronger than you, and better than you, since YOU are the problem!  (Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but…aren’t you?)  What you need to conquer your addiction is POWER, not self-knowledge and not self-propulsion (a.k.a. “willpower”).  By the time we have made it to our first 12-step meeting, we addicts have usually proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that those two things are utterly useless to us without the POWER (or the ABILITY – we never seemed to be “able”) to actually put them to use.

Your mission?  Find yourself a Higher Power…ANY Higher Power…TODAY!

You will eventually hear in the halls of OA that all addicts have “built-in forgetters” when it comes to recovery, meaning that we constantly need to be re-reminded why we ever decided to fight this battle in the first place.  By reading The Promises on a regular basis, not only does it train our minds to focus on something positive for a change, but it helps us to combat this pesky forgetfulness and reminds us that the battle is indeed worth the fight.  So in times of doubt, temptation, or despair, give this a try: find a quiet place to sit or lie down and read The Promises to yourself, really thinking about each.  Imagine what it would mean to you, personally, if each came true – how each would change your life in another positive way.  Try to picture what living that new “promised” life would be like.  You will be surprised how just a few minutes of this will lift your spirits just enough to get your butt back out on that battlefield.