I never did.

It would be one thing if my imaginary audience was made up of people I loved, or even liked.  But my silent onlookers were more like a group of hecklers, made-up of the people I feared the most.  In my mind, every move I made was scrutinized by this judgemental crowd.  They made me feel like I was incapable of making even the simplest of decisions, like what shirt to wear, or how to apply my make-up.  And the more in-public I was, the bigger and the nastier my audience became.  For example, if I wanted to go to the store, the moment I walked out of the house, I felt like I was being watched by a group of people who didn’t like me while my worst enemy gave a condescending running commentary of my every move. (Can you tell that I have been told that I tend to use my vivid imagination against myself?)

That is the way I lived my life before program.

In doing my fourth step, however, I discovered that the leading voice in my imaginary audience was actually…MINE!  That the “worst enemy” I mentioned earlier was in fact MYSELF!

Once I understood this at a gut level, my imaginary audience shrunk considerably.  There may still be a few nameless stragglers milling-about the stands, a couple worn-out hangers-on, but mainly it’s just me there.  And I have mellowed.  I am not so hard on me anymore.  And I am not so hard on others.  And sometimes, when I am feeling especially close to my Higher Power, there have actually been times when I have been my very own CHEERLEADER!

None of these things ever worked in the long run.

For me, it was not until I did The 12 Steps the way they are outlined in The Big Book that I even got close to finding out what this elusive ‘”benefit” of my binge-eating was.

I don’t really expect anyone to “get” this – – the same way I didn’t get it when well-meaning people tried to tell me the same thing – – but just in case there is the possibility that I may be able to spare just one someone the decades of pain it took for me to figure this…

Here goes nothin’…

I think it can all be boiled-down to this cliche: “the devil you know vs the devil you don’t.”  For whatever reason, it was much easier for me to focus on an obsession that, although horrible and debilitating, was comfortable and familiar to me.  In my twisted mind (the result of decades of negative thinking patterns that reinforced my fears and lead me to constantly seek “proof” of all that is bad about me and the world), the thought of having to face my real feelings or real-life situations SEEMED impossible for me to handle.  I always had this belief that real life was going to be much more difficult to deal with than it actually turned out to be.  But back then, I had nothing to compare these realities to because I had NEVER experienced them!  EVER!!  Food was ALWAYS my coping mechanism!  I knew nothing but being mentally and emotionally consumed with all things “weight,” whether that be my appearance, my clothes size, my caloric intake, obtaining my binge foods, keeping myself “hidden” (literally, behind extra layers of clothing, and figuratively, by avoiding all forms of confrontation and many, MANY social situations), eating in secret, planning my next dieting scheme, agonizing over upcoming events where people would “see” how much weight I had gained, trying to be funny, smart, overly-perfect to distract from my size,…. (not to mention the thousands of other forms of self-abuse which included lots of nasty self-talk and not taking care of myself emotionally, physically, or spiritually).  Since I had never learned any techniques for self-soothing (other than eating), I was constantly beating myself up for trying to deal with life the only way I knew how.

And yet, at the same time, all of this negativity and addictive behavior came naturally to me.  It evolved over so many years and took so long to fully develop, that by the time I recognized what it was, it had already consumed my entire identity.  It was actually to the point of being unconscious – – it was my “default” (as all you tech-savvy kids out there say today).  I didn’t even realize what I was doing, even when counselors came right out and ASKED me…that’s how far gone I was!  I really, honestly, DIDN’T GET IT!  I wasn’t lying or stubbornly avoiding the truth…I genuinely THOUGHT I was being honest, and I guess I was being as honest as I could be at that time.  I guess that’s what true denial is all about – – believing your own self-deception.  I had actually “fooled myself” into thinking that avoiding reality (feelings, confrontation, social situations) was EASIER than facing life on life’s terms!  I truly believed that it was EASIER to stay the way I was rather than try to learn something new about myself, even though I was simultaneously seeking a solution!!  In this twisted scenario-o-mine, the “old” had now become comfortable AND easy!  Who could resist?  And as I stayed there in this little world of food addiction that I had created, my life continued to get smaller and more restricted, which is the ideal breeding ground for fear, which continues the cycle of self-pity and self-hatred, which leads to all kinds of weird forms of self-sabotage,…  This is why I was trapped in a strange weird limbo-land where I was constantly convincing myself that it was useless to even attempt to conquer the very thing I was always trying so hard to fix!

Clear as mud, right?

Wanna see the short version?

- – – I ate because I was scared not to. – – –

No overweight gazelles trying to outrun them?

No fat prairie dogs peeking out of the ground?

With the exception of hibernation, I don’t think there are any cases of wild animal obesity, do you?  I mean, I haven’t researched this, so maybe it does happen, but it seems to me that it is a very rare occurrence indeed.

Why is that?

Obviously I am no animal expert, but, as usual, I do have a theory…

I’d bet that almost all cases of obesity in wild animals can be traced back to humans.  Think about it: whether we are talking about over-fed campground critters, dumpster-diving raccoons, or garbage-picking rodents, it all comes down to the disruptions that humans have caused that make it unnecessary for these animals to find their own food (by expending energy through hunting) the way nature intended.  Without US ruining things for them, they would NOT have an eating problem!

So why am I mentioning all this?  Because to me it proves the 12-step idea that food addiction is primarily a psychological problem.

I don’t think animals living in the wild “stress-out” in the way that people do.  I don’t picture lions worrying about what all the other lions are saying about them, or gazelles worrying about how many other gazelles checked them out, or prairie dogs worrying about how their fur color compares to that of other prairie dogs.  Wild animals don’t seem to have a lot of that craziness that we do – – and maybe THAT’S why they don’t overeat.  As long as they can live as nature intended, without the interference of humans and our “craziness,” they can maintain a normal weight.

Am I the only one who sees some kind of connection here?

Maybe if WE could get back to the way God intended us to live, with love and tolerance for others AND for ourselves, we wouldn’t be overeaters, either!

How do we get there?

By doing the 12 Steps, of course!

Just a thought.

In the past, I got involved with exercise programs as a means to lose weight.  Consequently, whenever I “went off” a diet, I stopped going to the gym.  It was all or nothing.  Black or white.  It had nothing to do with my health, but EVERYthing to do with that number on the scale.  In my sick mind, if I was not eating right (i.e., losing weight), what was the use?

Thanks to OA and the 12 Steps, things are different now.  For the first time in my entire life, I have joined a gym for the RIGHT reasons!!  For the past 6 weeks, I have been going three times a week as a means of decreasing stress and increaseing my heart health.  Period.

And guess what?

It’s already working!!

I tend to carry stress in my neck and shoulders, and since I have started some light weight-training, that “pain in the neck” is gone!  Also, I have been monitoring my blood pressure, and that is down several points as well!  Of course, I don’t mind the “side effect” of feeling my clothes getting a little looser, but that is not my motivation anymore.  Now that I feel better about myself, I can more clearly see The Big Picture: that I am worth taking care of and that excercise can help me do this.  That exercise is to be used as a tool to help improve my sense of well-being, NOT as a shortbcut to a smaller body size.  Took long enough for me to finally figure this out, but it finally happened!  HOORAY!

Thanks, again, HP!!

Not surprisingly, when my husband and I moved into our first house, complete with our own front yard to take care of, I brought my neurosis with me.  In both houses we have owned, the rule was that I did the backyard gardening and he did the front.  And that was set in stone.  I wouldn’t lift a finger in the front yard, again, for fear of being seen.  At my current house this became more of an issue because the front yard is very large (so my husband could really use the help) but it is also on a busy road (which means – GASP! – people!!)  During the fall, especially, I eventually had to help rake leaves in the front yard, but that had to be on my terms – early morning weekends ONLY – (I am talking about BEFORE 7 a.m. here!)

All that started to shift last year.  I don’t know when it happened, exactly, but several times I found myself picking-up stray sticks or raking up a little patch of leaves in the front yard WITHOUT having to analyse all the reasons why I couldn’t be the one to do it.  Last spring I filled flower boxes in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, in the middle of the FRONT YARD!  This past fall, I even raked leaves “in broad daylight!”  But the biggest change happened just a few short weeks ago.

For some reason I got it in my head that I wanted to rake out the beds, take apart the existing rock border, and re-stack it in a neater design.  I looked at my schedule and penciled-myself-in for the following day.  I got out there around 10 a.m. and worked until around 4 p.m. (stopping only for lunch and a couple small snacks and drinks).  I was so involved with what I was doing that I didn’t even realize that I had spent an entire day, in the COMPLETELY unflattering position of sitting cross-legged on the ground, in SHORTS, working in the FRONT YARD!!!, and IT NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND that there may be passers-by who were making fun of me or thinking negative things about my body, or making fun of what I was doing or how I was doing it – – all the crap that had consumed my thoughts for my entire life!!

This was a TRUE MIRACLE for me!!

Thank you, HP, for freeing me from all that horrible, draining, unproductive insanity!!

For years I thought this word “painstaking” meant “pain-STAKING.”  In my mind, I imagined staking-up plants, the way you do in a garden using poles.  As usual, my mental images reflect where I am at any given point in my life.  I envisioned myself as the down-trodden, sweaty gardener struggling to force stakes made of my pain (tears, hard work, time,…) into a barren patch of land that eventually,…hopefully,…MAYbe will sprout and grow and produce fruit (the promises).

Sounds pretty dreary, doesn’t it?

Now my take on this wording is far more positive…

I picture a lush garden bursting with life.  Leafy plants of every size, shape, and variety, some with flowers, some with fruit yet to be ripened, some with vegetables begging to be picked, all hearty and healthy and in a constant state of rejuvenation.  I am the contented gardener (although I still am sweaty!), happy to be doing the work that needs to be done.  The word “painstaking” here means “painS-TAKING” in the way that the gardener is “taking pains” (i.e., being careful) to do everything necessary to be sure that the garden has everything it needs to thrive.

Since we are reading the promises, we need to pay close attention to the meaning of each and every word so that we can absorb the maximum benefit of all that is being said.  Here we are being “promised” freedom from our disease IF we are painstaking in the process of doing The 12 Steps – – IF we take great care, and IF we are fearless and thorough.  If you are in relapse and trying to get out, it IS enough just to show-up until you are able to re-connect to your Higher Power and get abstinent.  However, once you are “clean,” if you really want to get well and STAY well, it is NOT enough to simply go to meetings and make friends with other members.  There is hard work to be done and lots of it.  But in the end it is SO worth!

I “promise!”

Through the process of doing The 12 Steps, I was horrified to learn that my main character defect was self-centeredness.  At first I really didn’t get it, even though the “evidence” was right there in front of me, in my own handwriting.  But how could I, who literally suffered for years from poor self-esteem, be self-centered?!  Didn’t that mean that I thought I was great and only did things to make myself happy?  Wasn’t I always going out of my way to make sure I wasn’t hurting anyone else’s feelings or doing anything that would lead to any type of confrontation?  How could that possibly be self-centered?!

Well, it took a while for it to really sink-in, but by the time I finished the turn-arounds on my 4th Step, I came to the conclusion that there are actually two parts to the definition of self-centeredness, at least in the way that it relates to my warped personality.

The first part has to do with the plain fact that “I Was Always On My Mind.”  I was always, always, ALWAYS thinking about myself, what I was doing, what I was going to do, what I did,…  That ALONE was exhausting!.  But here’s the REAL key – – even though I was constantly putting myself down and thinking of myself in a negative way, I was STILL focused on myself!  I STILL had no mental space for what was going on with OTHERS!  I was self-absorbed with how “bad” I was.

The second part was that I made whatever was going around me (including the actions of others) all about ME!  What I believed others were thinking about me, what others might be saying about me, how I looked to them, what kind of criticism I was going to get,…  I would read all kinds of things into what people were doing, like thinking that people were doing things to purposely hurt ME, rather than acting for themselves with motives that had NOTHING to do with me!  I saw everything in terms of being against me, because of me, or about me.

To top it all off, it was at about this same time that I slowly began to realize that even during those occasional times when I WAS thinking of others, it was usually with MY best interest in mind!  So even my “good intentions” turned out to be based on selfish motives!

Apparently, for decades I had been The Center Of The Universe, but this was the first time I was seeing it!  I suddenly could relate to my dogs really well – – the way they think that people coming over, bags of groceries being brought into the house, snowstorms,…are all things that happen for them, and for them alone.  But I digress…

Back to my original metaphor…

At first I was amazed at how easily I took to this blog-writing thing.  You might even say I was obsessed with it for a while there.  But like a good addict, I tend to get overly-involved with projects in the beginning and then trail off and leave things unfinished.  So I think I shocked even myself when I continued writing after all these posts.  But then I thought about it.  And here’s what I figured-out…

The reason why I continue to maintain an interest in writing this blog is because it is all about my favorite subject: ME!!  I would have never in a million years thought that I would write something so selfish-sounding as that (especially on the Internet!), but it is the truth!  Analysing myself, my thoughts, and my motives comes so naturally to me because I have been inside my own head for over 40 years!  Being self-centered in this way is my default.  I am comfortable here.

I must say that it has been quite the humbling experience to recognize just how self-centered I have been and how that has effected, not only me and my self-concept, but my relationships with others, including the way others perceive me, the way they interact with me, and the path that our interactions take.  I find all of it quite interesting, oftentimes painful, but, at the same time, very hopeful.  If I had never been through this process, I would have never realized any of this, and if I didn’t know there was a problem, there would have been no hope of it ever getting fixed.  Now I CAN get out of my own head (at times) and at least make an attempt to help others, like with this blog.  Yes, there is a lot of “me” going on here, but maybe this is one of those times when we can “see” God taking a character defect and turning it into something that can actually help other people.

At least,…that is my hope.

As I progressed through the required writing, I began to experience the odd sensation of feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and hopeful all at the same time.  (I had never felt that way before, but I have felt it many times since.)   I felt as if, for the first time in my life, I was getting a glimpse of this huge pile of “stuff” I should have been taking care of, but I “forgot” …or maybe I just “never knew” it was there.  I had an intuitive sense of suddenly being on the right track.  Like the road I was on had finally turned into the road I was SUPPOSED to be on all along.  It is the feeling that, despite all the work up ahead, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and now I can actually SEE It!

…So keep on going!

Today my life is completely different, and it is all thanks to this program.  Much of that change came-about even before I worked the steps.  Just being around fellow recovering addicts had a positive impact on me.  It made me more comfortable in my own skin and it gave me the confidence to tell myself that I am just as important and worthy of gas-pumping as the next person!  That was a big revelation to me (as crazy as it sounds).

So even if you have not yet mustered-up the motivation to get crackin’ on those 12 life-changing steps, just keep coming!  Little by little, a new outlook will begin to sink-in to your psyche, and before you know it, you are going to WANT to change…for the better!

I am standing in front of the open fridge, my right hand resting on the top shelf on the door, which is about the same height as I am.  The golden light illuminates all the shelves and I am scanning them, looking for something sweet.  The image of Maraschino cherries comes to mind.  The red ones.  Where are they?  I look around the containers of milk and juice, and finally think to check the shelves in the door.  GOT’em!  I silently unscrew the lid, pick out one, and pop it in my mouth.  A burst of overly-sweet juice shoots though my mouth and slides down my throat.  I eat another.  Then another.  Now it’s TOO sweet.  I quietly get the lid back on and the jar back in the door, then I start looking again.  Now I have to find something salty.  I spot a jar of mayonnaise.  THAT’S the taste I am looking for!  I am again silently unscrewing a jar lid.  Somehow there is a spoon in my hand (or maybe I used my fingers?) and I take a huge mouthful.  Smooth and salty.  I am just about to go for a second scoop when I feel someone tap me on the back.  I jump a mile and spin around at the same time.  It’s my father.  He gently tells me to put the mayonnaise jar away and go back to bed.  Nothing more.  I am mortified!  I feel completely humiliated and ashamed, even though he doesn’t say a word to me about what I am doing.  I suddenly “know” two things:  there is something wrong with me, and I have let my father down. 

I carried these negative feelings around with me continuously for the next 36 years.  It wasn’t until I worked the steps two years ago that I fully understood that there is nothing “wrong” with me (I have a disease) and that I have ALWAYS been the one judging me (not my father, not my family, and not anyone else).  For so many years I have been projecting the way I felt about myself onto others, and I think it may have all started with this one incident.

Hope this is helpful to someone.