If something is unmanageable, that means that it cannot be “managed,” and this describes my experience with food addiction perfectly.  Not that I didn’t try to manage it.  In fact, looking back over my life, it feels as though I have done little else!  From around age 12, I was either on or off a diet – – there was no inbetween, EVER!  Sometimes I would be able to lose a little weight, but I never stayed on them long enough to reach my “goal,” and whatever weight I did lose never stayed off.  And yet, whenever I was NOT following a diet, I was bingeing, so I felt guilty.  It wasn’t long before I convinced myself that I was “supposed” to be on a diet at all times as “punishment” for being overweight.

Not only did I use diets to try to control my food addiction, but I also started using exercise.  I would obsessively work-out or join exercise clubs or gyms and create these impossible schedules and unattainable goals for myself.  But whenever I would deviate from these rigid, self-imposed plans, I would quit because I looked at this as “failure.”  Same if I got sick, or hurt (which happened often, since I was always pushing myself too hard).  As with dieting, exercising feeling guilty when I wasn’t doing it and resentful if I was.  As a result, over time, there were fewer and fewer days in my life when I felt ok – – and those could only be the days when I was eating and exercising “perfectly” (which were few and far between).  Now I had TWO ways of dealing with my food addiction, and BOTH of them were destroying my self-esteem.  And it did take much time at all for this  feeling, itself, to become unmanageable.

As the years went by, I added other behaviors to my repertoire of ways to make the unmanageable manageable.  For example, I started to notice that when I got praise from others, my feelings of self-hated lessened, at least for a while.  So I became a people-pleaser.  Then I noticed that the same thing happened whenever I got attention from guys.  So I became “boy-crazy.”  Then I noticed that whenever I got praise from authority figures, I got the same feeling.  So I became a workaholic.  Then I noticed the same feeling when I would spend money on myself, so I became a shop-a-holic,…  All of these were temporary fixes for the same problem – – trying to control my feelings of worthlessness.  And as each attempt at weight loss failed, these other behaviors got stronger and stronger, until they, too, became unmanageable.  Looking back, it seems like my entire life was a swirling mess of unmanageability.

It was not until I came back to OA and got involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting that I was finally able to recognize any of this.  And until I could recognize it, I couldn’t even begin to fix it.  And that’s where we are at the end of Step 1 – – at the beginning of a journey of self-discovery.  And although this beginning may start-off with some truths about ourselves that we’d rather not face, we can take comfort in the fact that, for maybe the first time in our lives, we are finally willing to take a good hard look at ourselves and address our problems rather than run from them.

At that very moment, I started down a path of self-discovery that still continues today.  Right up until then, my entire life had been spent changing my behavior depending upon what I believed others were thinking about me.  Now, for the first time, I was questioning my ability to “know” what these thoughts were.  To my utter amazement, I soon found that the stark, cold reality was that I had no idea whatsoEVER what people were really thinking about me…and that I NEVER had!  My entire life had been spent doing all this posturing based upon a complete fabrication!  Or, rather, MILLIONS of complete fabrications, which, ironically, turned out to be the very thoughts I had about MYSELF!  All my life, I had been unconsciously projecting all the harsh and critical thoughts I had about myself onto others, and then blaming everyone around me for the reason why I felt so bad about myself!  WOW!  Did THAT ever blow my mind!!  And to see the actual evidence of all this IN MY OWN HANDWRITING was UNBELIEVABLE!  It’s not like this was something someone else had written.  This was all straight from my own heart and mind, and there it all was in black-and-white, sitting right in front of me in a huge four-inch-thick binder.  I immediately started feeling depressed and overwhelmed by all the wasted years, energy, tears,…

That’s why we do all this with a sponsor.  We talked about all of it.  She told me that none of us will ever know what everyone is thinking about us and that – – get this! – – it is none of our business, anyway!   She said that all I am supposed to be doing is looking at what I am thinking about me.  Suddenly, I felt relieved.  Here was a way out!  For 35 years I had been worrying about what everyone around me thought about me and changing my behavior accordingly, but NOW, all I had to do was look at MY OWN thoughts?  Just the thoughts of ONE person as opposed to the thoughts of HUNDREDS?!  AMAZING!  I immediately realized that this would make my life SO much easier, and it HAS!

About a year later, I had a similar yet not-so-profound revelation while I was sharing at a meeting.  I was sharing about this “e.s.p.” thing when it suddenly dawned on me that this was only half the story.  Not only did I really believe that I “knew” what people thought about me, but I also thought that everyone thinks exactly the same way I do, AND that they therefore “know” exactly what I am thinking and feeling about THEM!    I really thought that everyone always “knew” how their actions would effect my feelings.  In other words, if anyone ever did anything that hurt my feelings, it was done purposely!  No WONDER why I was so pissed-off at everyone!  How crazy is all THAT?!  But at the same time that I recognized all of that, I also understood that all of it was not true!  NO ONE thinks exactly like me, and MOST people think a whole lot DIFFERENTLY than I do, and, as shocking as this may seem…..some people actually say and do things that are NOT IN ANY WAY RELATED TO ME!!  DOUBLE-WOW!!

So ended my theory that I am the center of the universe.  Do I still think I can “read” people?  Sometimes.  But at least now I stop myself and realize that this is an old behavior that I am trying to change, and then I ask my Higher Power to help me to remember that it is none of my concern what people are thinking about me, and that, if someone does hurt my feelings in some way, they probably did not do it intentionally.  All that really matters is how I treat others, what I think about myself, and what my Higher Power thinks about me.  And ya know what?  I am finally starting to believe that He thinks I’m a pretty cool person!  Ya know what else?  He thinks the same about you, too!

“I am a bad person because I cannot control what I eat.”  This was probably the biggest, deepest, and worst lie of them all.  Food addiction is a disease, not a moral issue.  I had heard this many times throughout my years in program, but I did not grasp it at a gut level until I did Step 4.  If you have been telling yourself this lie for decades the way I had been, it can take a long time for it to sink-in.  But the sooner you can recognize this belief for the lie that it truly is, the sooner you will feel better about yourself.  A lot better.

“OA won’t work for me.”  Because I had tried and failed on so many diet / exercise plans over the years, just the thought of yet another one made me feel depressed.  I had begun to notice that as I got older, each attempt got harder.  What sacred me even more was that, over time, my urge to fight was also slipping away.  Not surprisingly, when I first came into OA, I was sure it wouldn’t work for me.  But I have since found-out that this line of thinking is really a form of self-centeredness.  Negative, yes, but self-centered nonetheless.  To think that I am that unique – – that my addiction is so much worse than anyone else’s, that a program that has helped millions can’t possibly work for me, that I won’t be able to do what so many others have done before me,…these are all different ways of saying that I think that somehow I am a “better” addict than everyone else.  Sorry, but that is not the case at all.  “I am just another bozo on the bus,” as they say.  It works for other addicts, so it will work for me, IF I work it.  I don’t have to analyze it, figure-it-out, or even understand it.  I just have to DO it!  And the same goes for YOU!

“I can’t let anyone know how much I eat / want to eat / think about food.”  I spent most of my life hiding the amount of time, money, effort, and thought that went into my food addiction.  For me, coming to the realization that ‘by keeping it all secret I was only making it worse’ was a relief.  In fact, not only would exposing all of this help me, but in OA I learn that sharing my experience is the only real way that I have of helping others.  In that way, one of my greatest fears has become one of my greatest assets.  Only a Higher Power could be involved in a transformation like that!

“My life will be perfect when I am the ‘right’ weight.”  This one is another biggy.  Sometimes I can still sense it lurking in the back on my mind, but at least now I know it isn’t true.  But for years it was the sole focus of my life.  Everything about me – the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I related to others, the way I planned my life – all of it revolved around me getting to that time in the future when I would look and weigh the way I wanted because then I would have confidence, sex-appeal, charisma, fame, fortune,…  My expectations of what I would get out of being thin far exceeded the reality of it, but since I could never seem to get there, I could keep telling myself that my lack in all these areas was due to my weight.  Over time, without realizing it, I actually wound-up creating the perfect excuse that I would use to give-up on huge sections of my life.

“My food addiction has ruined my life.”  This one is the greatest irony of all.  It took a while, but I have finally come to realize that, had I not been a food addict, I never would have gone to OA.  And had I never gone to OA, I would have never found my Higher Power.  And had I never found my Higher Power, I would not be experiencing the joy and peace of freedom from, not only my addiction, but from that empty feeling that is the result of living a non-spiritual life.  Nowadays I can genuinely say that I am grateful for being a compulsive overeater.

You will eventually hear in the halls of OA that all addicts have “built-in forgetters” when it comes to recovery, meaning that we constantly need to be re-reminded why we ever decided to fight this battle in the first place.  By reading The Promises on a regular basis, not only does it train our minds to focus on something positive for a change, but it helps us to combat this pesky forgetfulness and reminds us that the battle is indeed worth the fight.  So in times of doubt, temptation, or despair, give this a try: find a quiet place to sit or lie down and read The Promises to yourself, really thinking about each.  Imagine what it would mean to you, personally, if each came true – how each would change your life in another positive way.  Try to picture what living that new “promised” life would be like.  You will be surprised how just a few minutes of this will lift your spirits just enough to get your butt back out on that battlefield.

I once had a sponsor who told me that if I did not break-up with my boyfriend the following day, she would have to “left me go.”  This sponsor was over-stepping her boundaries, but I didn’t know  it.  NO sponsor has the right to tell you how to live your life or to make major decisions for you.  All they are supposed to do is to refer you back to the Big Book and your Higher Power for inspiration and share what has worked for them.  But I was new to program, had just lost a ton of weight, and had this particular sponsor on the highest pedestal ever created.  In reality, it was my Higher Power who was giving me the power to recover, not her.  But you couldn’t tell ME that!  I should have simply changed sponsors and moved-on.  Instead, I got off the phone, cried hysterically, and left program for 2 years, gaining back, not only the 75 pounds I had just lost, but another 30 pounds on top of that!  (We won’t mention the fact that the boyfriend was long gone by that point, but that’s a whole other story!)

Another time I had a male sponsor.  Not a good idea.  Why?  Because he made comments like, “There’s no such thing as PMS.  That’s just an excuse women use to eat,” and, “You need to start wearing tighter clothes now and showing off your body.”  In that fragile state of “newcomer,” it was hard enough dealing with food withdrawals, never mind getting-up the nerve to tell an “old-timer” that he was way out of line!  I’ve also heard lots of stories about people who end-up dating their sponsors.  Talk about complicating things!  Again, in general (and there are always exceptions to every rule), NOT a good idea to choose a member of the opposite sex as your sponsor, and NOT a good idea to date your sponsor, regardless of gender.

This last example is probably the hardest one to take.  Over the years, I’ve had several sponsors lie to me about their own program.  This is a complete breach of trust and of the spiritual principles of the program.  I’ve had sponsors tell me they are abstinent but they are not, or say they did x,y, & z in recovery but they didn’t…  Here I am being completely honest with them, ASSUMING they are being completely honest with me, but then I find out that the whole relationship is based on a lie!  It can be DEVASTATING!  But only IF you are putting your sponsor above your Higher Power!  For even this type of betrayal can be worked-out through mature communication, as long as both parties are willing to be completely honest with each other.  Again, we are dealing with fellow addicts here.  We MUST, at all times, keep in mind that sponsors are just human beings who have been in program a little longer than we have.

If, after you have spoken to some fellow OA’s and your Higher Power, you come to the conclusion that the relationship with this particular sponsor is beyond repair, tell her/him that you have decided that the relationship is not working out and then move on.  There are SO many good sponsors out there!  Honest, caring, people who would LOVE to work with someone who is serious about recovery!  Remember, the sponsor gets just as much out of this relationship as the sponsee does.  And don’t ever forget the most important sponsorship rule of all:  You can change sponsors AT WILL!  NEVER feel that you MUST stay with a sponsor who is not right for you, or worse, one who is using their position of “authority” to manipulate you or make you feel worse than you did when you started!  You should ALWAYS come away from interactions with your sponsor feeling BETTER than you did when you started!  If that is not the case, something is very wrong.

I also find it very helpful to keep my measuring cups and spoons handy.  For me this means that they stay on the window sill above my kitchen sink.  I also make sure I have a spare set of measuring cups and spoons, just in case the ones I need are dirty.  Nothing will discourage the use of measuring cups and spoons like not being able to find them when you need them.  Plus, before I leave the house in the morning, I make sure that all the pans and utensils that I need to prepare my dinner meal are clean and ready to go.  I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to come home from a long day, hungry, tired, and ready to cook, only to find that everything I need to do it is sitting in the dishwasher, dirty, because I forgot to turn it on.  Finally, I also find it helpful to prepare for long car rides.  I like to bring fruit with me.  It doesn’t “feel” like the food I used to binge on in my car during my days as an active food addict, so it doesn’t “set me off,” but it takes the edge off just enough to get me safely and sanely to my next meal without that ravenous feeling.

By taking the time to consistantly do these few simple things, you will be helping yourself stay abstient for the long haul.  And that’s the whole point.

The other thing I’d like to just throw out there is the reason behind all this measuring.  I think it makes a lot of sense to look at all of it as a metaphor for us trying to “measure” our self-worth.  We desperately want those numbers to “prove” to us that we are “good enough.”  To tell us what we do not believe about ourselves on our own.  Why else would are moods be so closely tied-in to those numbers?  Ever notice how the amount on the scale or which pair of jeans you can squeeze into can determine the kind of day you’re going to have?  That is just the type of nonsense that has to be corrected.  Until we can get to that place where we just “know” we are fine the way we are, we will never be able to conquer our addiction.

The good news?  The 12 Steps are designed to help you do just that.

Although there are obviously many different types of food plans, there are a few things that most of the good ones have in common:

A list of “binge foods” to avoid.  In my opinion, this is the most important part of your food plan.  It also is the most difficult to come to terms with, IF you are trying to do it without the help of your Higher Power. (Luckily, in program, this is not the case).  Unfortunately, unless you are on a food plan for medical reasons, it will take some time for you to experiment in order to find what works for you, but it is well-worth the time and effort.  For example, in the beginning, because I knew I could not control the amount of chocolate I ate, I knew had to give it up.  But did that mean I couldn’t have anything that was chocolate flavored?  How about sugar-free chocolate?  Over the years I have learned that, for me, it is just so much easier to eliminate all forms of chocolate.  But that’s just me.  Another example is potato chips.  I have never been able to eat “just one.”  But what about popcorn?  Or nuts?  They’re healthy, right?  Not if you eat the whole jar or can, they’re not!  Through trial, error, a whole-lot of praying, and a whole-lot of pig-headedness, I came to the same conclusion with all of these…for me, it is just easier not to eat any salty snacks or any nuts at all.  You will also hear many people in OA talk about how they have given-up sugar and flour.  At first glance, this may seem like an impossible tasks, since that would eliminate almost every form of bread, pasta, cereal, and dessert.  But again, if you seek the help of your Higher Power, you just may discover (as I did) that, once you get through the withdrawal symptoms (which last about 2 weeks), you no longer have any physical cravings for these things, which makes staying abstinent a whole lot easier.  There are also degrees of “no sugar/no flour” eating.  Some people read the labels of every single bite they put into their mouths, never putting any form of these two things into their systems.  At restaurants they make sure these items are not in the ingredient lists.  They may even call ahead when dining out to be sure sugar/flour-free foods are available.  Personally, I don’t do any of that.  In fact, I allow myself to eat “breaded” items and some salad dressings that contain sugar, even though I do consider myself to be on a no sugar/no flour plan.  My rule of thumb is this: if I can’t stop eating it, I can’t have it.  So far, so good on these two items.  Other than that, I have not eaten bread or pasta in over 2 years and I don’t miss them at all.  And YOU can do the same, if that appeals to you!  But you need to go slow, and you need the help of your Higher Power in order to do it.  Ask Him/Her/It for help, and then get rid of the one food item that you have the most difficulty controlling and see what happens.  Try not having it for JUST ONE DAY.  Commit to your sponsor (or someone else in program if you don’t have one yet) what you are doing – this will make you accountable.  Then try another day.  And another…  See if you can make it to two weeks, if for no other reason than to see if you can feel a difference in the intensity of your cravings after the withdrawal period has passed.  (Reminds me of a program saying that goes something like this: “If you are not completely satisfied with recovery, you can always have your misery back.”)  Then, if you want to try eating a controlled amount of that food, go ahead and try it.  Do you start obsessing over eating it all over again?  Do you binge on it right away?  If so, this is probably something you would be better-off eliminating entirely.  If not, it can probably stay, in controlled amounts.  Ask your Higher Power what He/She/It thinks.  You WILL get an answer.

A list of eating behaviors to avoid.  As all food addicts are well-aware, there are certain behaviors that just “set-us-off.”  For example, maybe eating fast food triggers you to eat too much.  Maybe eating in your car does.  (For me it was both.)  How about waking up in the middle of the night to eat?  (I think that was the absolute worst one for me!)  Or hiding food around the house?  Or eating items out of the freezer that were not meant to be eaten frozen?  Or eating out of the garbage?  Or vomiting, using laxatives, or over-exercising to compensate for bingeing?  Or, or, OR!  You get the idea.  All good food addicts have a few (if not all) of these skeletons in their closets.  Make a list  of these behaviors and take a good, hard look at all of them.  Then, with he help of your Higher Power, eliminate that one, most-bothersome behavior, JUST FOR TODAY, the same way you did with that one food item.  Again, commit this decision to someone in program.  For me, I had to give-up eating in my car and all fast food drive-thrus for quite some time.  Now, however, I am able to do those things occasionally, but I have a list of specific items that I can order and I now recognize that there is something very unsatisfying about not eating at a table.  It is a true miracle…I actually RATHER NOT eat in the car nowadays, whereas before, I couldn’t stop!  And that horrible night-eating thing is gone, too!  I will NEVER miss the nightmares and the early morning indigestion THAT would cause!

A description of the portion sizes you are allowing yourself.  Whether you use measuring cups, a food scale, “scoops”, “bags,” “half-a can,” “one piece,” the amount that fits on your plate, or the serving you are given at a restaurant, you are going to need some guidelines here, since most compulsive overeaters have problems with quantity.  As with all the other topics listed above, there are those who are loose about measuring, and those who take it to the extreme.  Some OA’s bring their measuring cups to restaurants with them.  Others refuse to go out to eat at all because serving sizes in restaurants are almost always bigger than what a measured portion would be at home.  Still others ask their waiters to split the meal in half before it comes out (so they are not tempted to keep eating) and take the rest home in a doggie bag for another meal.  For me, if I am at home, I use measuring cups (but not a food scale – – too many bad memories!).  When I am at a restaurant, I allow myself to eat the amount that is put in front of me.  (Ironically, since I have given myself permission to do that, there have been many times in the past 2 years that I have decided NOT to finish it!  Now if THAT’S not a miracle, I don’t know WHAT is!).  But when I am eating at someone else’s house or at family-style/buffet-type restaurant, I don’t measure with cups, but I do try to eye-ball what looks “right.”  I have actually started to develop a “gut-feeling” about what that amount is for me.  If I get a twinge of a sick feeling inside, I put some back.  That feeling usually gives me just enough time to remind myself that the extra mouthful or two is no longer worth my peace of mind.

A statement of how many times per day you can eat.  Many people in program follow the “old-school” approach of eating “three balanced, moderate meals a day with nothing in-between except coffee, tea, or low-cal drinks.”  The latest OA view on food plans, however, leaves them up to the individual.  Personally, I need the flexibility to eat snacks.  Besides a greater emphasis on spirituality, this was probably the most important difference in my recovery this time around.  And it is no coincidence that this is the time that I have been able to, not only maintain a 75 pound weight loss, but to do so for a year…even though I am not at my goal weight! That means that I have been following a food plan for over a YEAR even though I have not lost any more weight!  That is HUGE for me!  In the past, why would I even BOTHER?!  But this time, because I stay connected to my Higher Power, and because my snacks take away that feeling of deprivation/punishment that I always associated with “dieting,” I have been able to stay on my plan, “one day at a time”…for over 2 YEARS!  I eat every 3 to 4 hours and I never get hungry!

A plan of action for the times you go off track.  The best piece of advice I ever got in Overeaters Anonymous came from my latest sponsor.  Back in 2009, when I was just starting out on my current food plan, I overate at a meal and called her in a panic.  She said, “The first 24 hours are the most important.  The first thing you need to do is continue on your food plan.  Do NOT cut out any food that you still have left to eat for today.  That just starts-up that whole cycle of feeling deprived and punishing yourself.   The second is to call me or another person in program when you are done eating for the day and commit to not eating anything else until breakfast tomorrow.  Then, call me tomorrow and commit to me what you will be eating for the entire day.  By the following day, you will feel better.  For whatever reason, as soon as you get-in one really ‘squeaky-clean’ day of abstinence, you will feel better and be able to leave it behind you and move forward.”  As I have said before, I have been around OA since 1988, but I had never heard anything so powerful.  An actual WAY OUT!  And it worked EXACTLY like she said!  Ever since then, whenever I eat too much (and it DOES happen!), I follow this advice just the way it is written here and I am able to continue-on!  Remember: it is WAY more important that your abstinence be long-term rather than perfect!

But what if your sponsor DOES let you down some other way?  Does that mean you need to get rid of him/her?  Not always.  It is usually suggested that you at least try talking things out with that person.  If the two of you can’t work things out, remember that you always have the right to switch sponsors at will.

The main thing to keep in mind when it comes to the words “God” and “Higher Power” as they are used in anonymous programs is that they refer to “the God of your understanding.”  This could be the God of the Bible, or Mother Nature, or some sort of Creative Intelligence.  I’ve also heard “Him” or “Her” or “It” being called “The Power Of Love” or “The Spirit Of The Universe.”  The point is that you come to a place where you acknowledge the existence of forces that are beyond your limited understanding of the world.  Actually, what you really need to conquer your addiction is a source of energy that is both outside of you and more powerful than you.  As for myself, my God-prejudice was so strong that I had to resort to something even less mystical than any of these titles by simply believing in “The Power Of The Group.”  The more meetings I went to, the more transformations I saw taking place in the people who followed the suggestions of the program, and the more I could feel the power that comes from those who are truly interested in helping their fellows, the more I had to concede to the fact that “Something” was helping these people.  “Something” not of themselves.  And that was all it took.  That tiny seed of willingness to admit that there may be something “out there” that could help me was all that I needed to begin my spiritual journey.