Doesn’t mean I want to do it, though.

At first I looked at my beloved pink packets (the yellow ones make me physically sick and the blue ones just scare me) as what I “deserve” – – the same way I used to look at all foods I wanted to eat – – as if eating them was a reward for good behavior.  At that time, I was consuming about 15 packets a day.

About a year into my food plan, I started to look at those packets as “treats” – – something to give myself a little pick-me-up.  I could finally recognize that they were not the best choice, but that they did help me stay on track by satisfying the need we all have for sweet-tasting foods.  In an odd way, this was growth for me, because it was acknowledging that it was OKAY for me to like sweet things and that, even though I may not have the “perfect” food plan,” I had made one that it was do-able, which, for me, was the most important part.  At this point I was down to about 10 packets per day.

After 2 years of abstinence, it finally started to dawn on me that “food equals fuel.”  Period.  It is not “good.”  It is not ” bad.”  It is not “a reward” or “a “punishment.”  It is not a comforter or something to use to get revenge on others (or myself).  It is simply the way I get the nutrients required for my body to work properly.  There is nothing EMOTIONAL about it!  I am not saying that I have this concept entirely down pat yet, but it is definitely starting to take shape.  I have since substituted agave nectar for many of my pink packets (I chose this sweetener because it supposedly has a low glycemic index) and for the past 4 months I have not noticed any difference in cravings.  I currently use 3 tablespoons per day, plus 3 pink packets.  Not perfection, but definitely progress!

Then, a couple weeks ago, I was at a convenience store and there was a sign for a sugar-free frozen drink made out of diet soda.  Hmmmm…

Had to try it.  I’m not gonna lie.  It was YUMMY!

Next day I had another.

Next day another.

That night I was sick.  Must be made of yellow packets.  Had to give it up.

Doesn’t mean I wanted to, though.

…and the battle continues….

The good news?  This was my bottom.  This is what gave me the courage to come back to program.  I was finally desperate enough to admit defeat and ready to start over.  Well,…almost ready.

For months I sat on that horrible fence between going back to OA and staying away.  I was so mortified by the way I looked that I could not even imagine stepping through the door of my first meeting at that size.  Honestly, there was nothing I wanted to do LESS than go back – – but I was dying…spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  So what choice did I really have?

Finally one night in November of 2009, I decided to look online for a meeting in my area.  I was surprised to see that all of the meetings I used to attend were gone (or at least they were no longer meeting at the same locations), and that frightened me a bit.  But at that moment I was more concerned about keeping away from people I knew in program.  I didn’t want to “be seen.”  I decided to take my chances on a meeting I’d never been to out in the sticks, thinking that I probably wouldn’t know anyone there.

I got to the meeting strategically early so I could watch everyone go in.  See if I recognized anyone.  Then I would decide if I should go in.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  No one ever came.  I suddenly realized that the meeting was not going to happen at all.  I felt panicky.  I hadn’t thought of that!  No matter how badly I didn’t WANT to go to a meeting, the idea that I COULDN’T go to one was far worse!  What if there were NO meetings to go to?!  What would I do?!  I knew that the program would work if I could just get myself into the routine of attending regular meetings, but without those, I knew there was no hope for me!  I went home, discouraged and scared.  I spent the next few days doing some heavy-duty soul-searching.  I came to the conclusion that I really DID want to go to a meeting and that I was going to try again (but not until the same meeting came-up again, of course).

The following week I parked my car and went inside the building, determined to at least find out once and for all if this meeting actually existed.  Low and behold, two people showed-up.  Then another person.  And another.  I didn’t know any of them.  I breathed a silent sigh of relief and immediately felt at home.

For the next 2 months, I attended this weekly discussion meeting and would share on the topic of the day and on the miserable state I was in.  Every day I would binge, and every night I would wonder how I could have done it again!  Then I would show-up at the meeting and say that I REFUSED to stop overeating even though I KNEW that I HAD to!  It was such a torturous place to be.  And week after week, the caring people there just listened and then talked with me afterwards.  There was no judgement, except for the voices in my own mind that kept telling me what a loser I was for not even making an attempt at getting abstinent.  The only thing that I actually DID start to do was to get on my knees every morning and every night and ask my Higher Power for “the willingness to be willing” to stop overeating.  Over the years I had acquired enough program to know that this was my problem – – until I was willing to at least TRY to be abstinent, I was lost.  I was “beyond human aid,” as The Big Book says.  Only God could save me at that point, and I knew it.

One night, after returning home from one of these meetings, the thought came to me that I should try writing-out a food plan for myself.  I was not going to follow it, of course, but if I could pick any way to eat healthy – – any way at all – – what would that be?  I kept this rough draft out on the kitchen table all week and tweaked it between binges.  It was just there, and I worked on it as if it were a school homework assignment.  I felt like I was doing it more out of curiosity to see what I could come-up-with more than anything else.  Best of all, for some strange reason, I felt no emotional attachment to it at all.

By spending so much time looking objectively at my food behaviors over the past 20+ years, I was fianlly able to see that the my biggest problem I’d had with sticking to my food plans of the past always came down to the feeling of deprivation, whether in the amounts of foods or in the elimination of foods.  So my new food plan tried to solve that problem by increasing portion sizes, by giving myself a little leeway within the elimination categories, and by adding snacks.  I knew that, for myself, I needed something that would be easy to adapt to any situation.  If I had learned nothing else, I had at the very least learned that if I was going to lose weight and successfully KEEP it off (which I had never done before), I had to have a plan that I would be willing to follow FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!  Not just when I was losing weight, or when I was trying to impress people, or when things were going my way, or when the weather was nice,…but ALL the time!  I guess it was just my time to finally face this reality…for the first time in my life.

And yet,…

ANOTHER week went by and I did the same thing – made some notes, moved some things around, took out some stuff, added some stuff…but I STILL refused to even TRY to follow it!  I did mention at one meeting what I was doing, but I said it as if it were a joke and that I had no desire whatsoever to even consider trying it out.

Then, out of the blue, at the end of a meeting in the beginning of February 2010, I raised my hand and committed to my group that I was going to start following the food plan I had created, and guess what?  I have been abstinent ever since!  I can tell you that when that happened, it was NOT ME raising my arm!  The thought had not even crossed my mind until that moment.  In fact, I barely knew why my hand went up at all!  You know how sometimes at a meeting you will be wondering if you should raise your hand and say what you are thinking out loud, but you keep stalling?  Well this was NOTHING like that.  This was supernatural.  I wasn’t thinking about trying to follow my food plan AT ALL!  I really believe that it was God answering my prayers.

He knew that I wasn’t going to do it on my own, so He had to do it for me!

If something is unmanageable, that means that it cannot be “managed,” and this describes my experience with food addiction perfectly.  Not that I didn’t try to manage it.  In fact, looking back over my life, it feels as though I have done little else!  From around age 12, I was either on or off a diet – – there was no inbetween, EVER!  Sometimes I would be able to lose a little weight, but I never stayed on them long enough to reach my “goal,” and whatever weight I did lose never stayed off.  And yet, whenever I was NOT following a diet, I was bingeing, so I felt guilty.  It wasn’t long before I convinced myself that I was “supposed” to be on a diet at all times as “punishment” for being overweight.

Not only did I use diets to try to control my food addiction, but I also started using exercise.  I would obsessively work-out or join exercise clubs or gyms and create these impossible schedules and unattainable goals for myself.  But whenever I would deviate from these rigid, self-imposed plans, I would quit because I looked at this as “failure.”  Same if I got sick, or hurt (which happened often, since I was always pushing myself too hard).  As with dieting, exercising feeling guilty when I wasn’t doing it and resentful if I was.  As a result, over time, there were fewer and fewer days in my life when I felt ok – – and those could only be the days when I was eating and exercising “perfectly” (which were few and far between).  Now I had TWO ways of dealing with my food addiction, and BOTH of them were destroying my self-esteem.  And it did take much time at all for this  feeling, itself, to become unmanageable.

As the years went by, I added other behaviors to my repertoire of ways to make the unmanageable manageable.  For example, I started to notice that when I got praise from others, my feelings of self-hated lessened, at least for a while.  So I became a people-pleaser.  Then I noticed that the same thing happened whenever I got attention from guys.  So I became “boy-crazy.”  Then I noticed that whenever I got praise from authority figures, I got the same feeling.  So I became a workaholic.  Then I noticed the same feeling when I would spend money on myself, so I became a shop-a-holic,…  All of these were temporary fixes for the same problem – – trying to control my feelings of worthlessness.  And as each attempt at weight loss failed, these other behaviors got stronger and stronger, until they, too, became unmanageable.  Looking back, it seems like my entire life was a swirling mess of unmanageability.

It was not until I came back to OA and got involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting that I was finally able to recognize any of this.  And until I could recognize it, I couldn’t even begin to fix it.  And that’s where we are at the end of Step 1 – – at the beginning of a journey of self-discovery.  And although this beginning may start-off with some truths about ourselves that we’d rather not face, we can take comfort in the fact that, for maybe the first time in our lives, we are finally willing to take a good hard look at ourselves and address our problems rather than run from them.

At that very moment, I started down a path of self-discovery that still continues today.  Right up until then, my entire life had been spent changing my behavior depending upon what I believed others were thinking about me.  Now, for the first time, I was questioning my ability to “know” what these thoughts were.  To my utter amazement, I soon found that the stark, cold reality was that I had no idea whatsoEVER what people were really thinking about me…and that I NEVER had!  My entire life had been spent doing all this posturing based upon a complete fabrication!  Or, rather, MILLIONS of complete fabrications, which, ironically, turned out to be the very thoughts I had about MYSELF!  All my life, I had been unconsciously projecting all the harsh and critical thoughts I had about myself onto others, and then blaming everyone around me for the reason why I felt so bad about myself!  WOW!  Did THAT ever blow my mind!!  And to see the actual evidence of all this IN MY OWN HANDWRITING was UNBELIEVABLE!  It’s not like this was something someone else had written.  This was all straight from my own heart and mind, and there it all was in black-and-white, sitting right in front of me in a huge four-inch-thick binder.  I immediately started feeling depressed and overwhelmed by all the wasted years, energy, tears,…

That’s why we do all this with a sponsor.  We talked about all of it.  She told me that none of us will ever know what everyone is thinking about us and that – – get this! – – it is none of our business, anyway!   She said that all I am supposed to be doing is looking at what I am thinking about me.  Suddenly, I felt relieved.  Here was a way out!  For 35 years I had been worrying about what everyone around me thought about me and changing my behavior accordingly, but NOW, all I had to do was look at MY OWN thoughts?  Just the thoughts of ONE person as opposed to the thoughts of HUNDREDS?!  AMAZING!  I immediately realized that this would make my life SO much easier, and it HAS!

About a year later, I had a similar yet not-so-profound revelation while I was sharing at a meeting.  I was sharing about this “e.s.p.” thing when it suddenly dawned on me that this was only half the story.  Not only did I really believe that I “knew” what people thought about me, but I also thought that everyone thinks exactly the same way I do, AND that they therefore “know” exactly what I am thinking and feeling about THEM!    I really thought that everyone always “knew” how their actions would effect my feelings.  In other words, if anyone ever did anything that hurt my feelings, it was done purposely!  No WONDER why I was so pissed-off at everyone!  How crazy is all THAT?!  But at the same time that I recognized all of that, I also understood that all of it was not true!  NO ONE thinks exactly like me, and MOST people think a whole lot DIFFERENTLY than I do, and, as shocking as this may seem…..some people actually say and do things that are NOT IN ANY WAY RELATED TO ME!!  DOUBLE-WOW!!

So ended my theory that I am the center of the universe.  Do I still think I can “read” people?  Sometimes.  But at least now I stop myself and realize that this is an old behavior that I am trying to change, and then I ask my Higher Power to help me to remember that it is none of my concern what people are thinking about me, and that, if someone does hurt my feelings in some way, they probably did not do it intentionally.  All that really matters is how I treat others, what I think about myself, and what my Higher Power thinks about me.  And ya know what?  I am finally starting to believe that He thinks I’m a pretty cool person!  Ya know what else?  He thinks the same about you, too!

Later on, I really thought about it, and I realized that in some ways, I HAVE believed in “magical thinking” at different times in my life, even though I never called it that.  I noticed that it was particularly common in relation to my food addiction, especially when I was new in program.

For example, I would HAVE to wear the exact same clothes every time I got on the scale (which, for me, was once a month at the local YMCA), otherwise I was a complete mess.  I mean, to the point that even my underwear had to be the same!  I get the idea that clothes can cause minor fluctuations in the number on the scale, but this was something else.  I just could not stop my mind from going over and over the numbers if what I was wearing was not exactly the same as last time.  In my warped way of thinking, there was always that lingering doubt that I had “messed-up the weigh-in,” and this was whether the number went up OR down!  If it wasn’t low enough, the clothes must’ve been heavier.  If it was low enough, it had to be wrong because these different clothes I wore must’ve been lighter.  Nuts!

Another example?  I used to have my “lucky” bowl, measuring cups, and measuring spoons.  I ate all my at-home abstinent meals with them.  I think that I actually believed that these things had mysterious powers that were helping me to stay abstinent.  How bad is THAT?!  Know when I found this out?  The day I broke the bowl.  I was SO, disproportionately upset!  I literally went shopping to find the exact same one and couldn’t.  Had to settle on something close.  Guarded it like a hawk.  CRAZINESS!

Another?  I HAD to go to the same meeting every week and I could not miss it no matter WHAT!  I’d go there sick, dead-tired,…you name it!   And what did I think would happen if I COULDN’T make it?  Why, I’d lose my abstinence, of course!  Same with making my 3 program phone calls per day and reading a page from 3 different books each morning and doing 15 minutes of writing and…and…and!

I guess all these things are what most people would call superstitions.  But the point is, whatever you call them, they are not only a huge waste of time and energy, but they also represent a distorted mindset.  Today, I do go to the same meeting every week (and many more!) and I do make program phone calls and I do write and I do read, but not because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t, but because I like what happens when I do!  My entire program is now based upon POSITIVE reinforcement (rewards) rather than NEGATIVE reinforcement (punishments)!  And what if I can’t make that ‘special’ weekly meeting?  I’ll catch another!  Didn’t make all those phone calls?  I’ll try again tomorrow.  Only did 5 minutes of reading and writing combined?  Maybe I’ll do extra the next day.  How did I get this change to happen?  I did the 12 Steps.  Through that work, I finally figured out that the only  “good luck charm” I need in my life is my Higher Power.  Through His guidance, I will be able to find that “balance” we addicts so desperately need in our lives.  And if I stay close to Him in all my affairs, I will soon discover that He will always make the number on the scale the “right” number, He will never get lost or broken, and he will always reward me with all the “magic” I need to stay abstinent…bowl or no bowl!

“I am a bad person because I cannot control what I eat.”  This was probably the biggest, deepest, and worst lie of them all.  Food addiction is a disease, not a moral issue.  I had heard this many times throughout my years in program, but I did not grasp it at a gut level until I did Step 4.  If you have been telling yourself this lie for decades the way I had been, it can take a long time for it to sink-in.  But the sooner you can recognize this belief for the lie that it truly is, the sooner you will feel better about yourself.  A lot better.

“OA won’t work for me.”  Because I had tried and failed on so many diet / exercise plans over the years, just the thought of yet another one made me feel depressed.  I had begun to notice that as I got older, each attempt got harder.  What sacred me even more was that, over time, my urge to fight was also slipping away.  Not surprisingly, when I first came into OA, I was sure it wouldn’t work for me.  But I have since found-out that this line of thinking is really a form of self-centeredness.  Negative, yes, but self-centered nonetheless.  To think that I am that unique – – that my addiction is so much worse than anyone else’s, that a program that has helped millions can’t possibly work for me, that I won’t be able to do what so many others have done before me,…these are all different ways of saying that I think that somehow I am a “better” addict than everyone else.  Sorry, but that is not the case at all.  “I am just another bozo on the bus,” as they say.  It works for other addicts, so it will work for me, IF I work it.  I don’t have to analyze it, figure-it-out, or even understand it.  I just have to DO it!  And the same goes for YOU!

“I can’t let anyone know how much I eat / want to eat / think about food.”  I spent most of my life hiding the amount of time, money, effort, and thought that went into my food addiction.  For me, coming to the realization that ‘by keeping it all secret I was only making it worse’ was a relief.  In fact, not only would exposing all of this help me, but in OA I learn that sharing my experience is the only real way that I have of helping others.  In that way, one of my greatest fears has become one of my greatest assets.  Only a Higher Power could be involved in a transformation like that!

“My life will be perfect when I am the ‘right’ weight.”  This one is another biggy.  Sometimes I can still sense it lurking in the back on my mind, but at least now I know it isn’t true.  But for years it was the sole focus of my life.  Everything about me – the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I related to others, the way I planned my life – all of it revolved around me getting to that time in the future when I would look and weigh the way I wanted because then I would have confidence, sex-appeal, charisma, fame, fortune,…  My expectations of what I would get out of being thin far exceeded the reality of it, but since I could never seem to get there, I could keep telling myself that my lack in all these areas was due to my weight.  Over time, without realizing it, I actually wound-up creating the perfect excuse that I would use to give-up on huge sections of my life.

“My food addiction has ruined my life.”  This one is the greatest irony of all.  It took a while, but I have finally come to realize that, had I not been a food addict, I never would have gone to OA.  And had I never gone to OA, I would have never found my Higher Power.  And had I never found my Higher Power, I would not be experiencing the joy and peace of freedom from, not only my addiction, but from that empty feeling that is the result of living a non-spiritual life.  Nowadays I can genuinely say that I am grateful for being a compulsive overeater.

Twenty-four years after my first OA meeting, I was at an AA meeting and someone shared about how he’d had another “drunk dream.”  He said that when he woke-up, he was actually sweating from fear and that it took a few seconds for him to realize that he had not really “slipped.”  He then thanked God because he said that he saw each time that he had one of these dreams as a gift from God because it allowed him to get drunk, feel the misery of what that would be like, and then wake-up with a renewed sense of gratitude for another day of sobriety.  Ever since then, whenever I have a “food dream,” I shake-it-off and thank my Higher Power for reminding me just how precious my abstinence is.

For whatever reason, my entire life was spent cowering beneath the shadow of the belief that I was a “bad” person because I could not control the amount of food I ate.  It shaped my personality, formed my behavior patterns, dictated what I could and could not do, strangled my sense of self, and stripped away my self-esteem.  I come from a loving family, I never wanted for anything, and I always felt loved and supported by my parents and relatives, so what was the problem?  In the end, my sense of self-loathing was so bad that I actually convinced myself that the only reason why my parents “acted” like they loved me was because they “had to,” since they were my parents.  Same with relatives.  And friends?  Well, surely they felt sorry for me and were just being “nice.”

What a sad way to live.  Sometimes even now when I look back on all those wasted years I feel sad, but the good news is that I have finally escaped it all.  Some people (MANY people) never get that far.  It may have taken me until the age of 42, but at least I got out!

What is extremely important to take away from this post is the idea that compulsive overeating is a legitimate disease that has three components: a physical allergy, a mental obsession, and a spiritual sickness.  You can read all about this in The Big Book (see the “12-Step Links” at the top of this page if interested), but the bottom line is that it is not your fault that you have this disease, any more than it would be your fault had you been born deaf or if you were diagnosed with cancer.  The sooner you can accept this fact, the better off you will be.

You will eventually hear in the halls of OA that all addicts have “built-in forgetters” when it comes to recovery, meaning that we constantly need to be re-reminded why we ever decided to fight this battle in the first place.  By reading The Promises on a regular basis, not only does it train our minds to focus on something positive for a change, but it helps us to combat this pesky forgetfulness and reminds us that the battle is indeed worth the fight.  So in times of doubt, temptation, or despair, give this a try: find a quiet place to sit or lie down and read The Promises to yourself, really thinking about each.  Imagine what it would mean to you, personally, if each came true – how each would change your life in another positive way.  Try to picture what living that new “promised” life would be like.  You will be surprised how just a few minutes of this will lift your spirits just enough to get your butt back out on that battlefield.

For me, the most shocking part of this little self-appraisal has been noticing how many times I allow myself to get too tired or too anxious (or a combination of these two, which I describe as a feeling of being “overwhelmed”).  I was never one to nap, but now I do if I need to.  Same with taking time-out for deep breathing or meditation when I am feeling especially anxious.  And who would have thought that taking a drink, either of water or of a low-cal drink, would actually take away cravings?  Not me, that’s for sure!  But now I keep plenty of decaf coffee and ice on hand for iced coffee and I actually look forward to having it.

So the next time you are being nagged by one of those pesky food thoughts, think “Hat-Blat” and take the time to fix the real issue rather than eating.  By that time, the craving will have passed – – or at the very least, it will probably be time to eat your next abstinent meal!