I never did.

It would be one thing if my imaginary audience was made up of people I loved, or even liked.  But my silent onlookers were more like a group of hecklers, made-up of the people I feared the most.  In my mind, every move I made was scrutinized by this judgemental crowd.  They made me feel like I was incapable of making even the simplest of decisions, like what shirt to wear, or how to apply my make-up.  And the more in-public I was, the bigger and the nastier my audience became.  For example, if I wanted to go to the store, the moment I walked out of the house, I felt like I was being watched by a group of people who didn’t like me while my worst enemy gave a condescending running commentary of my every move. (Can you tell that I have been told that I tend to use my vivid imagination against myself?)

That is the way I lived my life before program.

In doing my fourth step, however, I discovered that the leading voice in my imaginary audience was actually…MINE!  That the “worst enemy” I mentioned earlier was in fact MYSELF!

Once I understood this at a gut level, my imaginary audience shrunk considerably.  There may still be a few nameless stragglers milling-about the stands, a couple worn-out hangers-on, but mainly it’s just me there.  And I have mellowed.  I am not so hard on me anymore.  And I am not so hard on others.  And sometimes, when I am feeling especially close to my Higher Power, there have actually been times when I have been my very own CHEERLEADER!

No overweight gazelles trying to outrun them?

No fat prairie dogs peeking out of the ground?

With the exception of hibernation, I don’t think there are any cases of wild animal obesity, do you?  I mean, I haven’t researched this, so maybe it does happen, but it seems to me that it is a very rare occurrence indeed.

Why is that?

Obviously I am no animal expert, but, as usual, I do have a theory…

I’d bet that almost all cases of obesity in wild animals can be traced back to humans.  Think about it: whether we are talking about over-fed campground critters, dumpster-diving raccoons, or garbage-picking rodents, it all comes down to the disruptions that humans have caused that make it unnecessary for these animals to find their own food (by expending energy through hunting) the way nature intended.  Without US ruining things for them, they would NOT have an eating problem!

So why am I mentioning all this?  Because to me it proves the 12-step idea that food addiction is primarily a psychological problem.

I don’t think animals living in the wild “stress-out” in the way that people do.  I don’t picture lions worrying about what all the other lions are saying about them, or gazelles worrying about how many other gazelles checked them out, or prairie dogs worrying about how their fur color compares to that of other prairie dogs.  Wild animals don’t seem to have a lot of that craziness that we do – – and maybe THAT’S why they don’t overeat.  As long as they can live as nature intended, without the interference of humans and our “craziness,” they can maintain a normal weight.

Am I the only one who sees some kind of connection here?

Maybe if WE could get back to the way God intended us to live, with love and tolerance for others AND for ourselves, we wouldn’t be overeaters, either!

How do we get there?

By doing the 12 Steps, of course!

Just a thought.

In the past, I got involved with exercise programs as a means to lose weight.  Consequently, whenever I “went off” a diet, I stopped going to the gym.  It was all or nothing.  Black or white.  It had nothing to do with my health, but EVERYthing to do with that number on the scale.  In my sick mind, if I was not eating right (i.e., losing weight), what was the use?

Thanks to OA and the 12 Steps, things are different now.  For the first time in my entire life, I have joined a gym for the RIGHT reasons!!  For the past 6 weeks, I have been going three times a week as a means of decreasing stress and increaseing my heart health.  Period.

And guess what?

It’s already working!!

I tend to carry stress in my neck and shoulders, and since I have started some light weight-training, that “pain in the neck” is gone!  Also, I have been monitoring my blood pressure, and that is down several points as well!  Of course, I don’t mind the “side effect” of feeling my clothes getting a little looser, but that is not my motivation anymore.  Now that I feel better about myself, I can more clearly see The Big Picture: that I am worth taking care of and that excercise can help me do this.  That exercise is to be used as a tool to help improve my sense of well-being, NOT as a shortbcut to a smaller body size.  Took long enough for me to finally figure this out, but it finally happened!  HOORAY!

Thanks, again, HP!!

Up until last year, I would still periodically torture myself by trying to get off my medicine.  I would secretly wean myself down to a very low dose,.. not even telling the doctor who was prescribing it… until it was too late.  Then I would start having the anxiety attacks again, and thinking I was going to die in my sleep, and obsessing about death and dying, and I’d get heart palpitations to the point of forcing me to the emergency room (where they always told me “it’s just anxiety”) – – and then I would have to wait several weeks for the higher dose to kick-in.  And I would always vow that I’d never try to go off it again…until a few months later.  (Now that I think about it, isn’t that the same way I always handled my food problem?)

It has literally taken me DECADES to finally come to terms with the fact that there are just some people, like me, who need anti-depressants – – the same way a diabetic needs insulin.  I am talking about people who use it correctly, here, under close medical supervision.  Over the years, I have been told by many doctors and psychologists that there is nothing to be ashamed of  – – that I have a chemical imbalance that is probably hereditary.

So imagine my shock several months back at hearing someone at a meeting telling the group that being on anti-depressants is the same as being “on drugs,” and that people who take them while in program are “not really clean.”

Are you KIDDING me?!

I had all I could do not to jump up and scream at this person.

First of all, no one should be speaking “at” the group.  In program we are taught to share our OWN experience, and to NOT assume that what is right for us is right for others.  But aside from that, it is COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE for someone in program to make general statements about the taking of ANY type of medications!  Talk about being presumptuous, self-centered, and SELFISH!!  Suppose there was someone in the audience who was suicidal?!  Who is only still alive thanks to this type of medicine?  Maybe they are only able to get to a meeting BECAUSE they are on it!  And maybe their newly-found abstinence or sobriety is the only positive thing in their life right now!  Who has the right to take that away from ANYone?!  EsPECially from someone in such a fragile mental state?!  That important point aside, this doesn’t even begin to address the issue of anyone in the audience (like myself) who may already be battling their own inner demons with respect to this matter.  What good does it do these people to be told that they are failures?!  Clearly this is something people need to resolve FOR THEMSELVES!

Moral of the story?  DO NOT let others in program become a substitute for your doctor, your intuition, or your God!  Listen to God, listen to your body, and listen to the advice of more than one medical professional.

IMPORTANT!!!! 12-Step meetings are NEVER the place to get your medical advice! 

Now I had to call him back.

When I worked with him in the past, I had no choice but to put up with his bad attitude.  Now that I had my own company, I could pick and choose who I worked with.  The problem was, at that particular time, we desperately needed the money.  My husband and I weighed-out the pros and cons and decided that it was best if we didn’t take the account (assuming that he wanted to hire us – – I still hadn’t even talked to him).  We felt good about having made this decision, thinking it was right for us.

If the story ended there, it would have had a happy ending.

Throughout the process of starting and running our own business, we have learned that there are so many things that go into success that have little or nothing at all to do with money.  Choosing to only work with people we like and respect is a big one for us.  But at that time, we let this idea go to our heads and we started feeling very superiuor about it.

“Well, I guess I’d better give him a call and tell him the bad news,” I laughed sarcastically.

“I wish I could see the look on that smug face of his when you tell him we are not interested,” my husband added.

“Me, too,” I said as I dialed his number.  “Wait…let me get out my most condescending voice…”  I then proceeded to imitate the guy perfectly.  I had to cut my comedic act short when I heard the guy pick-up the phone.

We had barely exchanged greetings and his voice was already grating on me.  I wanted to get to my point so I quickly asked if he remembered working with me several years earlier.  There was a brief silence, and then,… “I’ll have to call you back.”

Click.

He “dumped” me before I had a chance to “dump” him!  I didn’t even get a chance to say ANYthing!  I was PISSED!  I told my husband what happened and he laughed it off, but I was still angry!  Then, that still small voice said:

“Is this really the way you want to be acting?  You’re in program now.”

It wasn’t a judgemental voice, but a gentle one, pointing our the obvious and reminding me of what I was trying to do by not working with this person in the first place:

…to live a life of sane and happy usefulness.

Doesn’t mean I want to do it, though.

At first I looked at my beloved pink packets (the yellow ones make me physically sick and the blue ones just scare me) as what I “deserve” – – the same way I used to look at all foods I wanted to eat – – as if eating them was a reward for good behavior.  At that time, I was consuming about 15 packets a day.

About a year into my food plan, I started to look at those packets as “treats” – – something to give myself a little pick-me-up.  I could finally recognize that they were not the best choice, but that they did help me stay on track by satisfying the need we all have for sweet-tasting foods.  In an odd way, this was growth for me, because it was acknowledging that it was OKAY for me to like sweet things and that, even though I may not have the “perfect” food plan,” I had made one that it was do-able, which, for me, was the most important part.  At this point I was down to about 10 packets per day.

After 2 years of abstinence, it finally started to dawn on me that “food equals fuel.”  Period.  It is not “good.”  It is not ” bad.”  It is not “a reward” or “a “punishment.”  It is not a comforter or something to use to get revenge on others (or myself).  It is simply the way I get the nutrients required for my body to work properly.  There is nothing EMOTIONAL about it!  I am not saying that I have this concept entirely down pat yet, but it is definitely starting to take shape.  I have since substituted agave nectar for many of my pink packets (I chose this sweetener because it supposedly has a low glycemic index) and for the past 4 months I have not noticed any difference in cravings.  I currently use 3 tablespoons per day, plus 3 pink packets.  Not perfection, but definitely progress!

Then, a couple weeks ago, I was at a convenience store and there was a sign for a sugar-free frozen drink made out of diet soda.  Hmmmm…

Had to try it.  I’m not gonna lie.  It was YUMMY!

Next day I had another.

Next day another.

That night I was sick.  Must be made of yellow packets.  Had to give it up.

Doesn’t mean I wanted to, though.

…and the battle continues….

Not surprisingly, when my husband and I moved into our first house, complete with our own front yard to take care of, I brought my neurosis with me.  In both houses we have owned, the rule was that I did the backyard gardening and he did the front.  And that was set in stone.  I wouldn’t lift a finger in the front yard, again, for fear of being seen.  At my current house this became more of an issue because the front yard is very large (so my husband could really use the help) but it is also on a busy road (which means – GASP! – people!!)  During the fall, especially, I eventually had to help rake leaves in the front yard, but that had to be on my terms – early morning weekends ONLY – (I am talking about BEFORE 7 a.m. here!)

All that started to shift last year.  I don’t know when it happened, exactly, but several times I found myself picking-up stray sticks or raking up a little patch of leaves in the front yard WITHOUT having to analyse all the reasons why I couldn’t be the one to do it.  Last spring I filled flower boxes in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, in the middle of the FRONT YARD!  This past fall, I even raked leaves “in broad daylight!”  But the biggest change happened just a few short weeks ago.

For some reason I got it in my head that I wanted to rake out the beds, take apart the existing rock border, and re-stack it in a neater design.  I looked at my schedule and penciled-myself-in for the following day.  I got out there around 10 a.m. and worked until around 4 p.m. (stopping only for lunch and a couple small snacks and drinks).  I was so involved with what I was doing that I didn’t even realize that I had spent an entire day, in the COMPLETELY unflattering position of sitting cross-legged on the ground, in SHORTS, working in the FRONT YARD!!!, and IT NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND that there may be passers-by who were making fun of me or thinking negative things about my body, or making fun of what I was doing or how I was doing it – – all the crap that had consumed my thoughts for my entire life!!

This was a TRUE MIRACLE for me!!

Thank you, HP, for freeing me from all that horrible, draining, unproductive insanity!!

For years I thought this word “painstaking” meant “pain-STAKING.”  In my mind, I imagined staking-up plants, the way you do in a garden using poles.  As usual, my mental images reflect where I am at any given point in my life.  I envisioned myself as the down-trodden, sweaty gardener struggling to force stakes made of my pain (tears, hard work, time,…) into a barren patch of land that eventually,…hopefully,…MAYbe will sprout and grow and produce fruit (the promises).

Sounds pretty dreary, doesn’t it?

Now my take on this wording is far more positive…

I picture a lush garden bursting with life.  Leafy plants of every size, shape, and variety, some with flowers, some with fruit yet to be ripened, some with vegetables begging to be picked, all hearty and healthy and in a constant state of rejuvenation.  I am the contented gardener (although I still am sweaty!), happy to be doing the work that needs to be done.  The word “painstaking” here means “painS-TAKING” in the way that the gardener is “taking pains” (i.e., being careful) to do everything necessary to be sure that the garden has everything it needs to thrive.

Since we are reading the promises, we need to pay close attention to the meaning of each and every word so that we can absorb the maximum benefit of all that is being said.  Here we are being “promised” freedom from our disease IF we are painstaking in the process of doing The 12 Steps – – IF we take great care, and IF we are fearless and thorough.  If you are in relapse and trying to get out, it IS enough just to show-up until you are able to re-connect to your Higher Power and get abstinent.  However, once you are “clean,” if you really want to get well and STAY well, it is NOT enough to simply go to meetings and make friends with other members.  There is hard work to be done and lots of it.  But in the end it is SO worth!

I “promise!”

That pretty-much summed-up the unrealistic idea I had of what my life would be like if I could just get to (and stay at) that “magical” number on the scale.

Of course, there are some real things that would be great about getting to my ideal weight.  First on the list would have to be the health benefits, of course (although these mattered to me very little when I was in the throws of my disease).  Being able to buy clothes in a “normal” store would also be nice!  (Although I must say I have experienced a little of that lately!  Yeah!)   And since I love the water and sunbathing, I would love, love, LOVE to experience what it is to walk around on the beach in a bathing suit without having one single self-conscious thought enter my mind (it doesn’t even have to be a bikini!  I’m not greedy!)  Now THAT would truly be a dream come true!

But all the rest of that crap about the fame and fortune?  It is just that…crap.  I don’t know where the idea that “thinness = the perfect life” originally came from, but once it had me, it wouldn’t let me go.

Reminds me of a Bruce Springsteen song called “Backstreets” – –

“…trying to learn how to walk like the heroes we thought we had to be.

Well after all this time to find we’re just like all the rest…”  

In other words, it has taken me all this time (in program) just to figure out that no matter WHAT size I am (or what kind of “hero” I think I have to be), I am “just another bozo on the bus!”  There are ALWAYS going to be issues to resolve, people to confront, deadlines to be met, bills to be paid, legs to be shaved,…no matter WHAT I look like!  That’s called LIFE!!  No one said it was going to be easy, but having a program (and more importantly, a Higher Power) to help me (and YOU) through it all is the ONLY thing that can make WHATEVER is going on BETTER!

REALITY CHECK:

It’s not about the weight! 

It’s about finally growing-up and accepting “life on life’s terms!”

…bewildered, greatly surprised, astonished, overwhelmed, awestruck, to be stunned by the greatness of a thing, tongue-tied, speechless,…

I chose the ones that I thought best expressed my own sense of “amazement” at the magnitude of the conversion from hopelessness to hope that has taken place in my life.  And yet, I know that this was little more than an exercise in futility, as words cannot come close to adequately capturing the way such an experience feels.  Having been set free from a physically, emotionally, and spiritually crippling disease after years of suffering is something that only those who have experienced it can truly understand.   But at the very core of this feeling is a genuine sense of gratitude as we realize that our Higher Power is “doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”  We understand at an intuitive level that we are “the chosen ones” – – those who have been lucky enough to have found program and escaped the clutches of a disease that wanted nothing more than to make us part of its grim legacy.