When I was in the third grade, we used to have “health” lessons.  We each had our own worn-out pea-green hard-covered text book with a stylized orange sun with curly yellow rays all around it and we read chapters about personal hygiene, bullying, ethics,…  I guess the teacher would have us read a few pages silently and then answer questions afterwards, but I’m not sure.  The weird thing is that I wouldn’t have had any recollection of any of this except that one sentence I read on one particular day about drug and alcohol addiction really hit me hard.  It went something like this:

“People who end-up having a problem with drugs or alcohol are usually loner-types.  They often don’t like themselves and don’t have many friends.  Many of them may even be depressed.”

At the moment I read those words, I was terrified of becoming one of “them.”  Why?   Because that sentence described the way I felt about myself to a “T!”  I also distinctly remember feeling guilty and ashamed.  And afraid.  Afraid that everyone was going to find-out that I was “different.”  I felt like I had just been told that I was the only person on the face of the planet that didn’t feel good about myself!  I felt like a freak!  And worse…a freak with a SECRET!  Up until that point, I guess I thought that everyone felt the way I did.  Or perhaps I had never thought of myself in relation to anyone else around me before.  But there it was, in a school text book, in black-and-white: “proof” that there was something wrong with me.  I think that a part of me went on “high alert” right at that moment and labeled myself as a potential alcoholic or drug addict, even though I am sure that, at that time, I didn’t even know what those terms meant.

As I got older and started to learn about the judgement-impairing qualities of drugs and alcohol, my resolve grew stronger.  Not out of any virtue I had, but out of fear of drawing attention to myself.  My greatest concern growing-up had always been doing everything humanly possible to keep a low profile.  My biggest goal was to blend into the woodwork.  So nothing would have been worse in my mind than to call negative attention to myself by being drunk or high.

Bottom line?  The only reason why I never drank or did drugs was because the idea of making a fool out of myself horrified me to the point of complete abstinence.

First of all, because this drug-o-mine is “legal.”  I am not doing anything against the law when I eat too much or when I purchase my binge foods.  Look at all the people out there who are driving drunk and buying and using illegal drugs.  This is FOOD we’re talking about here!  What’s the big DEAL?!

Second, when I eat too much, I am not hurting anyone besides myself.  It’s not like I eat too much and then get in my car and drive erratically.  In fact, as a person who could not stop eating in her car, I’d have to say that my driving skills actually improved because I was forced to figure out how to maneuver the steering wheel with one hand, hold a sloppy Big Mac in the other, and balance a coffee shake between my legs, all while simultaneously watching traffic and obsessively making sure that none of the other drivers around me actually witnessed me putting anything into my mouth!  If that’s not “skill,” I don’t know WHAT is!

Third, I have lots of stress in my life and no other outlet.  I was always “the good girl.”  The “designated driver.”   I feel like I was always following so many rules – – I never drank alcohol, I never tried drugs, I never got high or drunk, I never even smoked a cigarette!  Doesn’t that make me entitled to at least ONE outlet for my stress?!

Fourth, it’s a cheap high.  I can go to The Dollar Store and get my fix for under $10/day, so if you have to have a drug habit, this one at least won’t break the bank!  It’s not like I was spending the mortgage money on food or anything!

Fifth,  everyone else does it!  I see skinny people all the time who can eat whatever they want, whenever they want it, and LOOK at them!  Why should I have to live my life any differently than THEY do?!

Hopefully you have recognized the sarcasm in all this.

“Back in the day,” I really believed every word of all of these statements.  But after having been through the 12 Steps, I have to ask myself…

When I said “I deserve this,” what exactly  was I saying that I deserved?

When I used to binge, I would feel horrible.  Mostly guilty and ashamed, to be more precise.  I was never the type of overeater who enjoyed food.  For all the time and effort and energy that went into my compulsion to overeat, I never took any pleasure in it.  And, let’s be honest: All the above statements were nothing more than excuses to stay in my addiction.  Whether or not my drug of choice is legal, it doesn’t change the fact that I was using it to destroy me AND my relationships with those around me.  Anyone (your inner-most self included!) who tells you that food addiction doesn’t have an adverse effect on those around you is lying to you.  And maybe I never spent the mortgage, but there were times when I spent the utility money!   And when was I EVER satisfied with the AMOUNTS that thin, normal eaters ate?

I always felt, even from a very young age, that bingeing was something that I was doing against my will – – like something beyond my control was shoving the food down my throat.  (I don’t know if all compulsive overeaters feel this way, but I did.)  And yet, the obsession would be so strong that I would always get to the the point (especially in the later stages of my addiction) where I knew that the only way to be rid of it would be to give-in to it.  This is how I went from “obsession” to “compulsion.”  The “thought” of eating would become the “action” of shoveling food in my face as fast as I could, as if I were trying to hurry-up and get it over with so I could go on with my life, pretending that there was nothing wrong.  But then it would happen a few hours later, and a few hours later, and a few hours later,…

Even at my worst, I always sensed that the very thing I wanted “permission” to do was the very thing that was destroying me, no matter HOW I rationalized it. The real irony is that now, looking back on all these “reasonings” I came-up with, I actually WAS giving myself what I thought I deserved.  Deep down inside I really thought that I was such a bad person that I deserved to live that way – – to constantly be punishing myself for not living-up to my own impossible standards by abusing myself with food.  Even though I was never consciously suicidal (I think my fear of death was the only thing that kept me from that abyss), I believe that my self-hatred had become so deeply ingrained in me that it was taking over my behaviors with the intent of killing me, one compulsive bite at a time.

The good news in all this?  Thanks to my continual pursuit of a closer relationship with my Higher Power, I have been freed from the bondage of this horrible addiction and am finally able to see that this new life of abstinence and serenity is what I (and all of us) REALLY deserve!

Since the above description was the sad state of my many short-lived runs of abstinence prior to this time-around (when I did the steps the way they are intended to be done), it is no wonder that it never lasted.  It is obvious to me now that for years I was just “white-knuckling it,” but at the time, I thought that because I had drastically changed my old ways of eating that I was “better.”  Somehow, even though I was going to meetings, I didn’t even notice that I was missing the biggest message of all – – that I would not be able to keep this up alone.  I needed to be constantly improving my personal relationship with my Higher Power, which I never did back then.  I got to the point of believing in a Higher Power and asking for His help in keeping me abstinent, but I stopped there.  That’s why I would always start getting back into the “perfectionism” and the “obsession” that are symptoms of the soul-sickness I never addressed.  I had stopped bingeing, but I hadn’t stopped hating myself.

Things are so different now.  After having been through the steps, I no longer feel the need to be “perfectly” abstinent or to try all the the different types of abstinence out there that work for others.  I am unique and I need to find out what works for me, whether or not it works for others.  I eat fruits (even sweet dried ones!), I chew gum (minus the jaw pain!), I use artificial sweeteners (a little more than I probably should) , and I occasionally use breath mints (like a sane person – – only to freshen my breath when there is no gum around.  I can even keep them in my car now without fear of gobbling packs at a time!)  However, for me, I have given-up caffeine (to help with my anxiety issues), I don’t eat sugar or flour (to keep cravings to a minimum), I don’t eat anything chocolate-flavored or any salty snacks (it’s a a control thing!), and I use a limited amount of Agave per day as a natural sweetener (in the hopes of one day not using any artificial sweeteners at all).  But none of this is ME doing it – – it is my Higher Power restoring sanity to my life.  And it is this newly-found sanity that gives me the strength to be kinder to myself, to like myself, and to take care of myself.  On my own, I self-destruct.

Well, yesterday was the day.  In classic style, I did not eat or shower, and on the drive up, I tried to estimate what the number on the scale would be.  Since this was to be my second weigh-in on my newly revised (and minimized) food plan, I was feeling good.  Last time I had lost 3 more pounds, so, “according to my calculations,” I figured I had to lose at least that much.  Then I subtracted another pound just because I was feeling so “light,” and because that would make my grand total a cool 80 pounds!  HOORAY!!  Then I subtracted another pound for those two “are you losing more weight?” complements I got in the same week.  Hell, might as well make it TWO, one for each!  Surely I was shrinking fast.  By the time I pulled-up at the counselor’ office, I had successfully sold myself on the delusion that I had lost at LEAST 6 pounds.  IMAGINE!  I actually THOUGHT that all these incidents “added-up” to a physical number that would register on a scale!  No WONDER why that device always held such “weight” with respect to my self-esteem!  Too bad it was all pure LUNACY!

With empty pockets and shirtless, I stepped onto the scale.  I had only lost one pound!  ONE!  After all my SACRIFICING?!  Are you KIDDing me?!  I was really upset…for about ten minutes.  Luckily I usually have just about that much time alone in the waiting room before I get called-in to see my counselor.  Since this has happened many times in the past year, I have learned how to cope – by praying and focusing on the positives,…  But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.

To me, this is the exact moment when all the program work I have been doing for the past six weeks really kicks-in.  If I have spent that time praying, meditating, spending time with God, going to lots of meetings, talking-out my feelings, and “doing the next right thing,” I am able to have enough sanity and clarity-of-thought to turn to my Higher Power and know that I will be able to get past this disappointment and move forward just like everyone else does.  However, if I have spent the past six weeks turning away from my Higher Power by getting wrapped-up in all the petty details of my life, giving-in to my negative ruminations (which is a form of mediation that hurts you rather than helps you), and isolating, then I am very shaky and run the risk of entertaining that most insidious question: why I am even bothering?  But I have come to realize that THAT RIGHT THERE IS the disease itself.  It is that gnawing feeling that keeps trying to convince me that all my hard work won’t pay off and that I will never be able to continue this for the rest of my life.   But in reality, I don’t HAVE to do ANYthing!  All I am doing is CHOOSING to do this ONE MORE DAY!  That’s IT!  That’s ALL I have to focus on!  TODAY I am going to be abstinent, and TODAY I am not going to worry about tomorrow!

After I was back in program and working on The 12 Steps, I very slowly began to re-think the religion of my childhood.  This lead me to one of the best investments of my life: I spent $30 on the book, “Christianity For Dummies.”  I was immediately and completely stunned by my lack of knowledge of even the most basic teachings of Jesus, even though I had been raised a Catholic.  Next I bought a KJV Bible (because I had heard that it was the most accurate translation of the original texts) and I started reading it with the approach of a scientist doing research.  I wanted to know why so many people were drawn to Jesus and what was so special about His teachings.

Then one day, as I was channel-surfing, I happened upon a woman named Joyce Meyer (see Inspirational Links, if interested).  I did not know that she was also a Christian speaker.  In fact, when I tuned-in to her for the first time, she was talking about her addiction to chocolate-covered peanuts.  That, plus her matter-of-fact delivery and her quick wit, grabbed my attention.  I cynically sat there, waiting for a pitch for some new diet pill or new exercise machine that never came.  Then she started mentioning the Bible.  Thanks to Joel, I had already begun to put aside any past prejudice I had about formal religion, so I was okay with this and able and to just listen and see if there was anything in what was being said that could benefit me and my new lifestyle (just as I have finally learned to do at meetings).  But then Joyce mentioned…”The Devil.”

Now THAT was a different story.

I instinctively went for the remote control.  Then this thought came to me:  “Just substitute the words ‘my addiction’ for ‘The Devil’ or ‘Satan.’ ”  And that was all it took.  I am not saying that I agree with all of Joyce’s beliefs, but being open-minded enough to listen to the things she presents that DO seem right to me has made a huge difference in my life, especially with regard to her straight-forward techniques for how to squash the negative thoughts that had dominated my thinking (and therefore, my life) for more than four decades.  But even more than that, she helped me realize that what I was really seeking in all my “research” was a personal relationship with my God, not merely an intellectual understanding of Him.  This, combined with the foundational knowledge I now had about what it meant to be a follower of Jesus, convinced me that I was ready to call myself a Christian.

In February of 2011, quietly, at home, through prayer, I gave my life over to the care of Jesus.  Through the 12 Steps, I had already given my life over to a “God of my understanding,” but now that understanding included Jesus and all His teachings.  I then went through an odd period of wanting to tell the world about my awesome new life, but at the same time, being afraid that once I did, I would never be able to live-up to what it truly meant.  I really wanted to wear a cross, which I had never done in my life, but I didn’t feel “worthy.”  I have since made peace with this.  It took some time, but I finally realized that I could apply the program idea that I will never be perfect at following the 12 Steps, that “I am a work in progress,”  to my Christian walk.  As long as I can say that I am genuinely trying to improve, that is all that is required of me (and anyone else).

I have since started-out on a quest to find a Christian church.  I have sat down with three pastors/priests so far, each from a different Christian denomination, and I asked all of them the same grueling two typed pages of single-spaced questions.  All were gracious, all spent literally hours with me, and all expressed complete devotion to and conviction in what they believed, even though all three of them believe three completely different interpretations of the same exact Bible!  Again I was fascinated by the way, even among the same religion, people have come up with different ways to pursue the same thing – – a personal relationship with their God.  As it stands now, I consider myself to be non-denominational, for this very reason.  I also know that I do NOT want to be a part of any church that is critical of any other group, and that I DO want to be part of a church that is based on Jesus’ main doctrine, which is to love God and to love your neighbors (ALL of them, not just certain ones) as yourself.  To me, through the open-mindedness I have learned in program and through hearing about the wide variety of spiritual experiences that people everywhere are having every day in all different ways, it seems so arrogant that anyone would think that their way of following God is the “only” way or the “right” way.  How can anyone honestly believe that when we are talking about the spiritual realm, here!  Doesn’t that automatically mean that it is, by definition, beyond our limited human understanding?  All I DO know for sure is that I have way more than enough “on my plate” (so to speak) in trying to figure out my own walk with God to have any time or energy left over for judging and criticizing what other people are doing in their walk with God.

What others are doing is literally none of my business.

If something is unmanageable, that means that it cannot be “managed,” and this describes my experience with food addiction perfectly.  Not that I didn’t try to manage it.  In fact, looking back over my life, it feels as though I have done little else!  From around age 12, I was either on or off a diet – – there was no inbetween, EVER!  Sometimes I would be able to lose a little weight, but I never stayed on them long enough to reach my “goal,” and whatever weight I did lose never stayed off.  And yet, whenever I was NOT following a diet, I was bingeing, so I felt guilty.  It wasn’t long before I convinced myself that I was “supposed” to be on a diet at all times as “punishment” for being overweight.

Not only did I use diets to try to control my food addiction, but I also started using exercise.  I would obsessively work-out or join exercise clubs or gyms and create these impossible schedules and unattainable goals for myself.  But whenever I would deviate from these rigid, self-imposed plans, I would quit because I looked at this as “failure.”  Same if I got sick, or hurt (which happened often, since I was always pushing myself too hard).  As with dieting, exercising feeling guilty when I wasn’t doing it and resentful if I was.  As a result, over time, there were fewer and fewer days in my life when I felt ok – – and those could only be the days when I was eating and exercising “perfectly” (which were few and far between).  Now I had TWO ways of dealing with my food addiction, and BOTH of them were destroying my self-esteem.  And it did take much time at all for this  feeling, itself, to become unmanageable.

As the years went by, I added other behaviors to my repertoire of ways to make the unmanageable manageable.  For example, I started to notice that when I got praise from others, my feelings of self-hated lessened, at least for a while.  So I became a people-pleaser.  Then I noticed that the same thing happened whenever I got attention from guys.  So I became “boy-crazy.”  Then I noticed that whenever I got praise from authority figures, I got the same feeling.  So I became a workaholic.  Then I noticed the same feeling when I would spend money on myself, so I became a shop-a-holic,…  All of these were temporary fixes for the same problem – – trying to control my feelings of worthlessness.  And as each attempt at weight loss failed, these other behaviors got stronger and stronger, until they, too, became unmanageable.  Looking back, it seems like my entire life was a swirling mess of unmanageability.

It was not until I came back to OA and got involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting that I was finally able to recognize any of this.  And until I could recognize it, I couldn’t even begin to fix it.  And that’s where we are at the end of Step 1 – – at the beginning of a journey of self-discovery.  And although this beginning may start-off with some truths about ourselves that we’d rather not face, we can take comfort in the fact that, for maybe the first time in our lives, we are finally willing to take a good hard look at ourselves and address our problems rather than run from them.

Once back in program, I slowly began turning to my Higher Power for help with all aspects of my life, not just for help with my battle with food addiction.  Yet, even though time and time again “HP” would come through for me, I kept hesitating (and sometimes still do) on looking to Him for guidance.  At some point, although we had started our own property management company and were making enough money to get-by, we had no money for anything unexpected, such as medical expenses and home maintenance.  I knew it was time to look for a side job, but I didn’t want to.  Over those previous 2 years, I had become comfortable with my work-from-home lifestyle and felt that looking for another job was somehow admitting that I had failed at running my own business.  For a couple weeks I stewed about it, sulking and complaining to myself and to my husband about all of it.  Finally the day came when I remembered that I was supposed to be taking all my problems to God, so I prayed about it.  Almost immediately I heard that “still, small voice” (which sounded just like me) say that I should go on Craigslist to look for a part-time job.

I was not happy.

In the middle of my office, I started to have an out-loud argument with God. Thankfully, I was home alone.  Here’s how the conversation went down (I put the “God Voice” in italics to emphasize the gentle, loving tone it had, even though I was sounding like a ranting loon):

Me:  I am NOT getting another job!

HP:  But don’t you think getting one would be the responsible thing to do?

Me:  Of COURSE I do!  But once I do that, I will be putting my extra time into something that is leading me AWAY from my goals rather than leading me TOWARDS them!

HP:  But you guys need the money right now.

Me:  Don’t you think I KNOW that?!   But I’ll get stuck!  I KNOW it!  I’ll end up getting a part-time job that I hate, get sucked-into full-time because it’s the “right thing to do,”  and I will hate my life and have no time for me ALL OVER AGAIN!  I am NOT doing it!

HP:  It doesn’t have to be that way.  You can find something that is only part-time, or maybe even temporary.

Me:  I won’t be able to find THAT!  I just KNOW it!

HP:  Just try.

Me:  NO!

HP:  Trust me…

Me:  UGH!  FINE!  But I am only going to look under the ONE category that I want to look at!  That is IT!  I am NOT settling for something I am going to HATE!

HP:  That’s fine.

I flopped into the office chair in front of my computer and banged on the keys until I was on Craigslist.

Me:  Here it is…I am only going to look under this category: “graphic arts.”  And that is IT!  I MEAN it!

HP:  ok.

As most of you probably know, this category of job listings on Craigslist is probably the smallest group on the whole site.  There are usually NO jobs here, and when they do have a listing, it usually requires that you be a current college art student willing to work for nothing, or it is some type of sub-contracting computer graphics position, for which I have absolutely no training whatsoever.  What I was hoping to find was a position for a mural artist, but from my numerous past attempts at this, I knew my prospects were not good.

About half-way down the scant first page of listings was a heading that read something like this:

“Painter wanted for touch-ups in preschool.”

I automatically assumed that they were looking for a mural artist because I was in the graphic arts section, not the construction / maintenance section, so I clicked on it.  This is the gist of what the ad said:

“Seeking property manager to do light patching, painting, and maintenance work at our two childcare facilities, must be able to pass a background check, a drug test, and have experience working with children.  Part-time, as-needed.”

I was shocked.  First of all, why was this ad in this category?  It was clearly not a graphic art position.  Second, what were the odds that a “misplaced” ad would be for a “property manager,” and that I, someone who had just started a property management company, would stumble upon it?  Third, who the heck but ME would have property management experience AND experience working with children (before I got into property management, I had been a preschool teacher for 10 years) AND be available “as needed” AND be able to pass a drug test any time, any where (I am one of those rare birds who has never gotten high or drunk in my life)!!  I just kept staring at the screen.  It was as if this position was created, not only to my exact specifications, but to my exact QUALIFICATIONS!!

“The icing on the cake,” so to speak?   I replied to the email and got a response within a couple of hours saying that I sounded perfect for the job, and then I had an interview a few days later.  I showed the owners, not only photos of my maintenance work, but also ones of my murals and my teaching experience.  Long story short?  I got THREE jobs – count’em – – THREE jobs in 1!  They hired me as the property manager (which has completely flexible hours that work easily around running my business), they had me fill-out all the necessary paperwork to be a substitute assistant teacher, and they said they would keep me in mind for some upcoming murals that they were planning to add to their schools in the future!

“The cherry on top?”  The owners and workers alike are all just SUPER-wonderful, loving, caring people.  I cannot tell you what a blessing they have all been to me.  Even now that I no longer need to work there as a substitute assistant, I am so grateful that they were able to help me through that rough time, and I continue to do maintenance work and art work for them on a regular basis.

Who but God could have orchestrated all this?!  I considerate it to be one of my greatest “proofs” for the existence of a Higher Power working in my life today!!  All I can say is…Thanks, HP!!

Later on, I really thought about it, and I realized that in some ways, I HAVE believed in “magical thinking” at different times in my life, even though I never called it that.  I noticed that it was particularly common in relation to my food addiction, especially when I was new in program.

For example, I would HAVE to wear the exact same clothes every time I got on the scale (which, for me, was once a month at the local YMCA), otherwise I was a complete mess.  I mean, to the point that even my underwear had to be the same!  I get the idea that clothes can cause minor fluctuations in the number on the scale, but this was something else.  I just could not stop my mind from going over and over the numbers if what I was wearing was not exactly the same as last time.  In my warped way of thinking, there was always that lingering doubt that I had “messed-up the weigh-in,” and this was whether the number went up OR down!  If it wasn’t low enough, the clothes must’ve been heavier.  If it was low enough, it had to be wrong because these different clothes I wore must’ve been lighter.  Nuts!

Another example?  I used to have my “lucky” bowl, measuring cups, and measuring spoons.  I ate all my at-home abstinent meals with them.  I think that I actually believed that these things had mysterious powers that were helping me to stay abstinent.  How bad is THAT?!  Know when I found this out?  The day I broke the bowl.  I was SO, disproportionately upset!  I literally went shopping to find the exact same one and couldn’t.  Had to settle on something close.  Guarded it like a hawk.  CRAZINESS!

Another?  I HAD to go to the same meeting every week and I could not miss it no matter WHAT!  I’d go there sick, dead-tired,…you name it!   And what did I think would happen if I COULDN’T make it?  Why, I’d lose my abstinence, of course!  Same with making my 3 program phone calls per day and reading a page from 3 different books each morning and doing 15 minutes of writing and…and…and!

I guess all these things are what most people would call superstitions.  But the point is, whatever you call them, they are not only a huge waste of time and energy, but they also represent a distorted mindset.  Today, I do go to the same meeting every week (and many more!) and I do make program phone calls and I do write and I do read, but not because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t, but because I like what happens when I do!  My entire program is now based upon POSITIVE reinforcement (rewards) rather than NEGATIVE reinforcement (punishments)!  And what if I can’t make that ‘special’ weekly meeting?  I’ll catch another!  Didn’t make all those phone calls?  I’ll try again tomorrow.  Only did 5 minutes of reading and writing combined?  Maybe I’ll do extra the next day.  How did I get this change to happen?  I did the 12 Steps.  Through that work, I finally figured out that the only  “good luck charm” I need in my life is my Higher Power.  Through His guidance, I will be able to find that “balance” we addicts so desperately need in our lives.  And if I stay close to Him in all my affairs, I will soon discover that He will always make the number on the scale the “right” number, He will never get lost or broken, and he will always reward me with all the “magic” I need to stay abstinent…bowl or no bowl!

“I am a bad person because I cannot control what I eat.”  This was probably the biggest, deepest, and worst lie of them all.  Food addiction is a disease, not a moral issue.  I had heard this many times throughout my years in program, but I did not grasp it at a gut level until I did Step 4.  If you have been telling yourself this lie for decades the way I had been, it can take a long time for it to sink-in.  But the sooner you can recognize this belief for the lie that it truly is, the sooner you will feel better about yourself.  A lot better.

“OA won’t work for me.”  Because I had tried and failed on so many diet / exercise plans over the years, just the thought of yet another one made me feel depressed.  I had begun to notice that as I got older, each attempt got harder.  What sacred me even more was that, over time, my urge to fight was also slipping away.  Not surprisingly, when I first came into OA, I was sure it wouldn’t work for me.  But I have since found-out that this line of thinking is really a form of self-centeredness.  Negative, yes, but self-centered nonetheless.  To think that I am that unique – – that my addiction is so much worse than anyone else’s, that a program that has helped millions can’t possibly work for me, that I won’t be able to do what so many others have done before me,…these are all different ways of saying that I think that somehow I am a “better” addict than everyone else.  Sorry, but that is not the case at all.  “I am just another bozo on the bus,” as they say.  It works for other addicts, so it will work for me, IF I work it.  I don’t have to analyze it, figure-it-out, or even understand it.  I just have to DO it!  And the same goes for YOU!

“I can’t let anyone know how much I eat / want to eat / think about food.”  I spent most of my life hiding the amount of time, money, effort, and thought that went into my food addiction.  For me, coming to the realization that ‘by keeping it all secret I was only making it worse’ was a relief.  In fact, not only would exposing all of this help me, but in OA I learn that sharing my experience is the only real way that I have of helping others.  In that way, one of my greatest fears has become one of my greatest assets.  Only a Higher Power could be involved in a transformation like that!

“My life will be perfect when I am the ‘right’ weight.”  This one is another biggy.  Sometimes I can still sense it lurking in the back on my mind, but at least now I know it isn’t true.  But for years it was the sole focus of my life.  Everything about me – the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I related to others, the way I planned my life – all of it revolved around me getting to that time in the future when I would look and weigh the way I wanted because then I would have confidence, sex-appeal, charisma, fame, fortune,…  My expectations of what I would get out of being thin far exceeded the reality of it, but since I could never seem to get there, I could keep telling myself that my lack in all these areas was due to my weight.  Over time, without realizing it, I actually wound-up creating the perfect excuse that I would use to give-up on huge sections of my life.

“My food addiction has ruined my life.”  This one is the greatest irony of all.  It took a while, but I have finally come to realize that, had I not been a food addict, I never would have gone to OA.  And had I never gone to OA, I would have never found my Higher Power.  And had I never found my Higher Power, I would not be experiencing the joy and peace of freedom from, not only my addiction, but from that empty feeling that is the result of living a non-spiritual life.  Nowadays I can genuinely say that I am grateful for being a compulsive overeater.