The good news?  This was my bottom.  This is what gave me the courage to come back to program.  I was finally desperate enough to admit defeat and ready to start over.  Well,…almost ready.

For months I sat on that horrible fence between going back to OA and staying away.  I was so mortified by the way I looked that I could not even imagine stepping through the door of my first meeting at that size.  Honestly, there was nothing I wanted to do LESS than go back – – but I was dying…spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  So what choice did I really have?

Finally one night in November of 2009, I decided to look online for a meeting in my area.  I was surprised to see that all of the meetings I used to attend were gone (or at least they were no longer meeting at the same locations), and that frightened me a bit.  But at that moment I was more concerned about keeping away from people I knew in program.  I didn’t want to “be seen.”  I decided to take my chances on a meeting I’d never been to out in the sticks, thinking that I probably wouldn’t know anyone there.

I got to the meeting strategically early so I could watch everyone go in.  See if I recognized anyone.  Then I would decide if I should go in.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  No one ever came.  I suddenly realized that the meeting was not going to happen at all.  I felt panicky.  I hadn’t thought of that!  No matter how badly I didn’t WANT to go to a meeting, the idea that I COULDN’T go to one was far worse!  What if there were NO meetings to go to?!  What would I do?!  I knew that the program would work if I could just get myself into the routine of attending regular meetings, but without those, I knew there was no hope for me!  I went home, discouraged and scared.  I spent the next few days doing some heavy-duty soul-searching.  I came to the conclusion that I really DID want to go to a meeting and that I was going to try again (but not until the same meeting came-up again, of course).

The following week I parked my car and went inside the building, determined to at least find out once and for all if this meeting actually existed.  Low and behold, two people showed-up.  Then another person.  And another.  I didn’t know any of them.  I breathed a silent sigh of relief and immediately felt at home.

For the next 2 months, I attended this weekly discussion meeting and would share on the topic of the day and on the miserable state I was in.  Every day I would binge, and every night I would wonder how I could have done it again!  Then I would show-up at the meeting and say that I REFUSED to stop overeating even though I KNEW that I HAD to!  It was such a torturous place to be.  And week after week, the caring people there just listened and then talked with me afterwards.  There was no judgement, except for the voices in my own mind that kept telling me what a loser I was for not even making an attempt at getting abstinent.  The only thing that I actually DID start to do was to get on my knees every morning and every night and ask my Higher Power for “the willingness to be willing” to stop overeating.  Over the years I had acquired enough program to know that this was my problem – – until I was willing to at least TRY to be abstinent, I was lost.  I was “beyond human aid,” as The Big Book says.  Only God could save me at that point, and I knew it.

One night, after returning home from one of these meetings, the thought came to me that I should try writing-out a food plan for myself.  I was not going to follow it, of course, but if I could pick any way to eat healthy – – any way at all – – what would that be?  I kept this rough draft out on the kitchen table all week and tweaked it between binges.  It was just there, and I worked on it as if it were a school homework assignment.  I felt like I was doing it more out of curiosity to see what I could come-up-with more than anything else.  Best of all, for some strange reason, I felt no emotional attachment to it at all.

By spending so much time looking objectively at my food behaviors over the past 20+ years, I was fianlly able to see that the my biggest problem I’d had with sticking to my food plans of the past always came down to the feeling of deprivation, whether in the amounts of foods or in the elimination of foods.  So my new food plan tried to solve that problem by increasing portion sizes, by giving myself a little leeway within the elimination categories, and by adding snacks.  I knew that, for myself, I needed something that would be easy to adapt to any situation.  If I had learned nothing else, I had at the very least learned that if I was going to lose weight and successfully KEEP it off (which I had never done before), I had to have a plan that I would be willing to follow FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!  Not just when I was losing weight, or when I was trying to impress people, or when things were going my way, or when the weather was nice,…but ALL the time!  I guess it was just my time to finally face this reality…for the first time in my life.

And yet,…

ANOTHER week went by and I did the same thing – made some notes, moved some things around, took out some stuff, added some stuff…but I STILL refused to even TRY to follow it!  I did mention at one meeting what I was doing, but I said it as if it were a joke and that I had no desire whatsoever to even consider trying it out.

Then, out of the blue, at the end of a meeting in the beginning of February 2010, I raised my hand and committed to my group that I was going to start following the food plan I had created, and guess what?  I have been abstinent ever since!  I can tell you that when that happened, it was NOT ME raising my arm!  The thought had not even crossed my mind until that moment.  In fact, I barely knew why my hand went up at all!  You know how sometimes at a meeting you will be wondering if you should raise your hand and say what you are thinking out loud, but you keep stalling?  Well this was NOTHING like that.  This was supernatural.  I wasn’t thinking about trying to follow my food plan AT ALL!  I really believe that it was God answering my prayers.

He knew that I wasn’t going to do it on my own, so He had to do it for me!

The summer after 11th grade, as I swam in the backyard pool, my mind was swimming with visions of a thin senior year.  As was my custom, I vowed some time during the last week of school to stick to a strict diet of carrot sticks and water for the entire summer and return to school 3 months later magically transformed into a raving beauty.  But it would all be to no avail once week two of summer vacation arrived.  However, what made The Great Summer Diet Attempt of 1984 so different from all the others was the new low I hit in binge-control (or lack-there-of).

I started-off with the usual enthusiasm.  (Back then, I was young and foolish, not yet jaded by four decades of unsuccessful weight-loss attempts.  In my forties, I barely had the energy left to put-up a fight at all.)  I was going to only eat 800 calories per day.  Where I came-up with that figure, I have no clue.  I started out doing it in a healthy way (or, I should say, in as healthy a way as an 800-calorie-per-day diet can be), by spreading out my food consumption evenly throughout the day.  I basically ate fruits, veges, and one thin tuna sandwich on wheat bread daily.  By the fourth day, that ice cream in the freezer was calling my name.  By the fifth, it was screaming at me.  By the sixth, I had the measuring cups out and came to the wise decision that I could eat 400 calories of “real food” and still have 400 calories left to “spend ” on ice cream.  Ingenious!

That brilliant plan lasted about two days.

7 days after I had started, the idea came to me that the ice cream would be much better if I added a half-cup of unsalted peanuts to it.  (Doesn’t that sound sickeningly like the guy in The Big Book who decides that a shot of whiskey would taste great in his milk?!)  Peanuts are healthy, I reasoned.  Especially unsalted ones.  Yes, they are high in calories, but I could just take off some more calories from my “healthy” food list and use them for that…so now I was eating a cup of ice cream, a half cup of peanuts and 3 fruits every day.

That lasted about 3 days.

Then the REAL insanity kicked-in.

For the next week I lived-off little else but ice cream and unsalted peanuts.  But here was the kicker! – – I did it one half-cup at a time!  I ACTUALLY went through the trouble of measuring-out the ice cream in one-half cup servings, even if I ate TEN of them, just so I could feel like I was in control and be able to write down the amounts and figure out the calories!  Needless to say, I barely left the house that entire time!  I felt like I was chained to the freezer!  (AND the calculator!)  Finally, after 2 weeks of white-knuckling it, I gave-up.  Whatever few pounds I had lost were re-gained within a week.  Then I spent the rest of the summer bingeing and then starving and basically managing to stay the same weight as when I started, but continuing to mentally abuse myself for not being able to lose all the weight I thought I needed to lose.

Not exactly the type of summer a sixteen-year-old should be having.

The plan called for exercising rigorously and following a strict food plan all week.  Then you were “rewarded” by having one day to eat whatever you wanted.  The problem was that my food-addicted mind interpreted this to mean that on that “free day,” I could eat as MUCH as I wanted.  Even though the book outlining this plan gave clear examples of eating “normal” amounts of fattening foods at each meal on that day, I somehow was able to filter out that crucial part of the plan and simply began to see Sunday as “My Pig-Out Day,” as I WAY too affectionately called it.  (I suppose that name alone should have alerted me to the danger that lay ahead, but all I could see was a license to eat.)

Even as I write this, I can feel that sick part of my addiction that will always be alive to some degree in the back of my mind stirring and saying, “Oh, yeah!  Remember how in control you were?  That was a GREAT plan for you!  You were getting really thin and in shape…AND you could eat whatever you wanted!  Nothing like this unrealistic plan you’re on now!  You’ve only lost five pounds this year!  Lame!  If you go back on THAT plan, you’ll be thin by Memorial Day!”

Too bad none of that is true.  Not to mention the fact that I was a complete LOON through the entire 2 months I was on that diet!!   Here’s what happened:

Every Monday-Saturday morning I would get up early and follow the exercise routine I made for myself (using the book I mentioned earlier).  This included weight training as well as cardio.  Each day I would eat 6 moderate protein-packed “meals” (I put that word in quotes because calorie-wise I am sure they would be considered meals, but they felt more like snacks because the portions felt small to me.)  As with all my dieting attempts, I had little trouble staying the course Monday through Wednesday.  By Thursday I was bored.  By Friday I was ravenous.  By Saturday I was down-right deranged, thinking of little-else but the mounds of food that would be mine on Sunday morning.  I would have already been working-on the shopping list, secretly, in my mind, all week.

I think this was the only time I ever went on any type of weight-loss plan with my husband.  Of course, our favorite part was going shopping together on Saturday night for binge foods.  It became our date-night activity.  We would actually sit at the kitchen table together and write down all the restaurants we would hit the following day, make a junk food shopping list, and then off we’d go to the store like giddy school kids, loading our shopping cart with foods our moms used to tell us were not good for us.  That part was definately fun, in an immature, silly way.  When we got home, we’d even line-up all our treats on the counter and make jokes about who would get to what first (even though I already knew that he was nothing but an amateur, bless his heart.)  My husband is not a true food addict, and did not share in my passion for the supermarket “hunt” – – I could sense it.  But there were times he came close!  At the very least, for those few weeks he was definitely transformed into my eating buddy.

All Saturday night in bed I would toss and turn, knowing that these foods I had been craving all week were just a few feet away from me in the next room.  So close and yet so far!  It would take all the mental energy I had to keep myself from bounding out of bed and ripping into the bags at midnight.

Midnight.

The witching hour.

That was the time limit I gave myself.  “My Pig-out Day” officially went from midnight to midnight.  But I would force myself not to start eating until I was up for the day.  I was an old pro and knew that if I pigged-out and went back to bed, it would sour my stomach…and I had to keep it in top working condition if I was going to get-in all there was to get-in, if you know what I mean (wink, wink)!!  Sometimes I made it all the way ’til 6 a.m.  Usually, however, the latest I could hold-out ’til was 4 a.m.  (My non-addicted husband, on the other had, would wake-up at his regular time and have his usual cup of coffee, seemingly oblivious to the food-fest going-on around him.  In fact, he usually had no interest in any of our goodies until lunchtime.  (Told you he was an amateur!)

When it finally got to the point when I knew sleep was impossible, I would be out of bed like a kid on Christmas morning making a bee-line for the presents.  I didn’t want to wake-up my husband, so I would suddenly have to switch into slow-motion mode, so as not to rattle too much cellophane or crinkle too much plastic wrap.  Then I would bring whatever food I had been craving the most with me to the living room, turn on the TV, and dive-in.  I suppose that the first few bites were great, since I could supposedly eat without guilt…after all, hadn’t I earned it?  But all I seem to remember were the days of relentless obsession leading up to that moment, followed by the compulsion to keep eating, pretty-much non-stop, throughout the entire free-day.  Again, as I write this, there is a familiar longing that I feel deep inside myself, tugging at me to go back to doing all that kind of dysfunctional stuff I did with with food.  But if I am honest at the reality of what it was actually like, it was no fun at all.  I mainly remember a strange mixture of feeling insanely out-of-control and desperately ashamed at the same time.  But it was so enticing…so easy to believe that this lie – – that I had finally found a way to eat as much as I wanted while avoiding the consequences – – was true!.  But even while I was eating the very things I supposedly wanted, I never felt “good” about doing it.  In fact, I felt really bad about it.

By the time Sunday night rolled around, I had had it.   I was feeling bloated, strung-out on sugar, and at around 8 p.m., I’d started getting anxiety attacks while sitting on the toilet with severe bouts of constipation.  And yet, even while these distasteful “side effects” were taking place, my sick mind kept trying to figure out how I could get-in just one more bite of this, that or the other.  After all, it was going to be six long days before I would “get” to do this all over again.

What is that if not complete and utter insanity?!

Monday morning I would be dutifully back on the hamster wheel, still nursing a sugar hangover, but wondering what was so hard about this whole dieting thing.  This was easy!  I had absolutely no cravings for ANYthing!  It was a MIRACLE!  And there were even leftovers!  I would congratulate myself on how much willpower it took for that to happen while, at the same time, I would “forget” how physically sick I was just a few short hours earlier.  Just the mere mention of the foods I’d eaten on Sunday would make me nauseous…for a day or two.  But by Wednesday, that flimsy motivation would fade away, as it always did, and once again I would start to write a new shopping list…secretly…in my mind.

Twenty-four years after my first OA meeting, I was at an AA meeting and someone shared about how he’d had another “drunk dream.”  He said that when he woke-up, he was actually sweating from fear and that it took a few seconds for him to realize that he had not really “slipped.”  He then thanked God because he said that he saw each time that he had one of these dreams as a gift from God because it allowed him to get drunk, feel the misery of what that would be like, and then wake-up with a renewed sense of gratitude for another day of sobriety.  Ever since then, whenever I have a “food dream,” I shake-it-off and thank my Higher Power for reminding me just how precious my abstinence is.

The other thing I’d like to just throw out there is the reason behind all this measuring.  I think it makes a lot of sense to look at all of it as a metaphor for us trying to “measure” our self-worth.  We desperately want those numbers to “prove” to us that we are “good enough.”  To tell us what we do not believe about ourselves on our own.  Why else would are moods be so closely tied-in to those numbers?  Ever notice how the amount on the scale or which pair of jeans you can squeeze into can determine the kind of day you’re going to have?  That is just the type of nonsense that has to be corrected.  Until we can get to that place where we just “know” we are fine the way we are, we will never be able to conquer our addiction.

The good news?  The 12 Steps are designed to help you do just that.

Although there are obviously many different types of food plans, there are a few things that most of the good ones have in common:

A list of “binge foods” to avoid.  In my opinion, this is the most important part of your food plan.  It also is the most difficult to come to terms with, IF you are trying to do it without the help of your Higher Power. (Luckily, in program, this is not the case).  Unfortunately, unless you are on a food plan for medical reasons, it will take some time for you to experiment in order to find what works for you, but it is well-worth the time and effort.  For example, in the beginning, because I knew I could not control the amount of chocolate I ate, I knew had to give it up.  But did that mean I couldn’t have anything that was chocolate flavored?  How about sugar-free chocolate?  Over the years I have learned that, for me, it is just so much easier to eliminate all forms of chocolate.  But that’s just me.  Another example is potato chips.  I have never been able to eat “just one.”  But what about popcorn?  Or nuts?  They’re healthy, right?  Not if you eat the whole jar or can, they’re not!  Through trial, error, a whole-lot of praying, and a whole-lot of pig-headedness, I came to the same conclusion with all of these…for me, it is just easier not to eat any salty snacks or any nuts at all.  You will also hear many people in OA talk about how they have given-up sugar and flour.  At first glance, this may seem like an impossible tasks, since that would eliminate almost every form of bread, pasta, cereal, and dessert.  But again, if you seek the help of your Higher Power, you just may discover (as I did) that, once you get through the withdrawal symptoms (which last about 2 weeks), you no longer have any physical cravings for these things, which makes staying abstinent a whole lot easier.  There are also degrees of “no sugar/no flour” eating.  Some people read the labels of every single bite they put into their mouths, never putting any form of these two things into their systems.  At restaurants they make sure these items are not in the ingredient lists.  They may even call ahead when dining out to be sure sugar/flour-free foods are available.  Personally, I don’t do any of that.  In fact, I allow myself to eat “breaded” items and some salad dressings that contain sugar, even though I do consider myself to be on a no sugar/no flour plan.  My rule of thumb is this: if I can’t stop eating it, I can’t have it.  So far, so good on these two items.  Other than that, I have not eaten bread or pasta in over 2 years and I don’t miss them at all.  And YOU can do the same, if that appeals to you!  But you need to go slow, and you need the help of your Higher Power in order to do it.  Ask Him/Her/It for help, and then get rid of the one food item that you have the most difficulty controlling and see what happens.  Try not having it for JUST ONE DAY.  Commit to your sponsor (or someone else in program if you don’t have one yet) what you are doing – this will make you accountable.  Then try another day.  And another…  See if you can make it to two weeks, if for no other reason than to see if you can feel a difference in the intensity of your cravings after the withdrawal period has passed.  (Reminds me of a program saying that goes something like this: “If you are not completely satisfied with recovery, you can always have your misery back.”)  Then, if you want to try eating a controlled amount of that food, go ahead and try it.  Do you start obsessing over eating it all over again?  Do you binge on it right away?  If so, this is probably something you would be better-off eliminating entirely.  If not, it can probably stay, in controlled amounts.  Ask your Higher Power what He/She/It thinks.  You WILL get an answer.

A list of eating behaviors to avoid.  As all food addicts are well-aware, there are certain behaviors that just “set-us-off.”  For example, maybe eating fast food triggers you to eat too much.  Maybe eating in your car does.  (For me it was both.)  How about waking up in the middle of the night to eat?  (I think that was the absolute worst one for me!)  Or hiding food around the house?  Or eating items out of the freezer that were not meant to be eaten frozen?  Or eating out of the garbage?  Or vomiting, using laxatives, or over-exercising to compensate for bingeing?  Or, or, OR!  You get the idea.  All good food addicts have a few (if not all) of these skeletons in their closets.  Make a list  of these behaviors and take a good, hard look at all of them.  Then, with he help of your Higher Power, eliminate that one, most-bothersome behavior, JUST FOR TODAY, the same way you did with that one food item.  Again, commit this decision to someone in program.  For me, I had to give-up eating in my car and all fast food drive-thrus for quite some time.  Now, however, I am able to do those things occasionally, but I have a list of specific items that I can order and I now recognize that there is something very unsatisfying about not eating at a table.  It is a true miracle…I actually RATHER NOT eat in the car nowadays, whereas before, I couldn’t stop!  And that horrible night-eating thing is gone, too!  I will NEVER miss the nightmares and the early morning indigestion THAT would cause!

A description of the portion sizes you are allowing yourself.  Whether you use measuring cups, a food scale, “scoops”, “bags,” “half-a can,” “one piece,” the amount that fits on your plate, or the serving you are given at a restaurant, you are going to need some guidelines here, since most compulsive overeaters have problems with quantity.  As with all the other topics listed above, there are those who are loose about measuring, and those who take it to the extreme.  Some OA’s bring their measuring cups to restaurants with them.  Others refuse to go out to eat at all because serving sizes in restaurants are almost always bigger than what a measured portion would be at home.  Still others ask their waiters to split the meal in half before it comes out (so they are not tempted to keep eating) and take the rest home in a doggie bag for another meal.  For me, if I am at home, I use measuring cups (but not a food scale – – too many bad memories!).  When I am at a restaurant, I allow myself to eat the amount that is put in front of me.  (Ironically, since I have given myself permission to do that, there have been many times in the past 2 years that I have decided NOT to finish it!  Now if THAT’S not a miracle, I don’t know WHAT is!).  But when I am eating at someone else’s house or at family-style/buffet-type restaurant, I don’t measure with cups, but I do try to eye-ball what looks “right.”  I have actually started to develop a “gut-feeling” about what that amount is for me.  If I get a twinge of a sick feeling inside, I put some back.  That feeling usually gives me just enough time to remind myself that the extra mouthful or two is no longer worth my peace of mind.

A statement of how many times per day you can eat.  Many people in program follow the “old-school” approach of eating “three balanced, moderate meals a day with nothing in-between except coffee, tea, or low-cal drinks.”  The latest OA view on food plans, however, leaves them up to the individual.  Personally, I need the flexibility to eat snacks.  Besides a greater emphasis on spirituality, this was probably the most important difference in my recovery this time around.  And it is no coincidence that this is the time that I have been able to, not only maintain a 75 pound weight loss, but to do so for a year…even though I am not at my goal weight! That means that I have been following a food plan for over a YEAR even though I have not lost any more weight!  That is HUGE for me!  In the past, why would I even BOTHER?!  But this time, because I stay connected to my Higher Power, and because my snacks take away that feeling of deprivation/punishment that I always associated with “dieting,” I have been able to stay on my plan, “one day at a time”…for over 2 YEARS!  I eat every 3 to 4 hours and I never get hungry!

A plan of action for the times you go off track.  The best piece of advice I ever got in Overeaters Anonymous came from my latest sponsor.  Back in 2009, when I was just starting out on my current food plan, I overate at a meal and called her in a panic.  She said, “The first 24 hours are the most important.  The first thing you need to do is continue on your food plan.  Do NOT cut out any food that you still have left to eat for today.  That just starts-up that whole cycle of feeling deprived and punishing yourself.   The second is to call me or another person in program when you are done eating for the day and commit to not eating anything else until breakfast tomorrow.  Then, call me tomorrow and commit to me what you will be eating for the entire day.  By the following day, you will feel better.  For whatever reason, as soon as you get-in one really ‘squeaky-clean’ day of abstinence, you will feel better and be able to leave it behind you and move forward.”  As I have said before, I have been around OA since 1988, but I had never heard anything so powerful.  An actual WAY OUT!  And it worked EXACTLY like she said!  Ever since then, whenever I eat too much (and it DOES happen!), I follow this advice just the way it is written here and I am able to continue-on!  Remember: it is WAY more important that your abstinence be long-term rather than perfect!

Once the alcoholic has made the decision not to drink, he never has to touch alcohol again.  He can follow this rule “perfectly.”  But the food addict still has to eat – – daily, and at least three times per day.  That gives the food addict plenty of opportunities to “mess-up.”  What if you absent-mindedly lick the spoon while you are cooking?  What if you are asked to “taste” something and you do it out of habit?  What if you “feel like” you ate too much at a restaurant?  What if you think that the portion sizes you had at that family gathering seemed a little larger than usual because you were too embarrassed to whip-out your measuring cups?  Do these things mean that you have “broken” your abstinence?  Some people would say “yes,”  but myself and many others would say “no.”

My theory on this is based on my new-found belief that I have to cut myself some slack with this whole addiction-breaking thing.  I have been a food addict ever since I can remember (my first negative food memories go back to around age 7 or 8), so this condition is not likely to completely disappear any time soon.  This gives me plenty of time to hone my food plan and my healthy-eating behaviors.  In the meantime, I need to be gentle with myself, realistic with my food plan, and patient with my weight.

For years I tormented myself over not being able to be “perfectly on” any given diet or exercise regimen, only to fail at each and fall further away from my goals every time.  Now I have lots of little “tricks” that allow me to eat a little extra on different occasions – which is okay for me today.  In the past, I was not “allowed” this type of leeway.  Now I am.  Of course, there would be those in program who would argue that this is not a good idea because it goes against the whole concept that we addicts are different and that we need to embrace this difference in order to recover.  But as I say, I think this is true, but only to a point.  I would argue that conquering a food addiction is more closely related to getting rid of a character defect rather than getting rid of a drug addiction.  Why?  Because your character defects hang around long after you have made the decision to get rid of them.  For example, you can’t go “cold turkey” on following your food plan perfectly any more than you can do it with, say, not being selfish ever again.  If selfishness is a big part of your personality (as it is with most addicts), it is going to take a long period of reconditioning your mind (with what basically boils-down to the behavior modification techniques of the 12 Steps) before that part of you falls away.  Likewise, over time, you will become better and better at being abstinent the more you work the program – – which is why I am a strong believer in the idea that abstinence (when compared to sobriety) has much more to do with progress than perfection.

So try to focus on each day separately rather than on reaching a certain number of “perfectly abstinent” days in a row.  In time, that number will take care of itself, as long as you continue moving forward, and just focus on doing “the next right thing.”  Besides, all any of us really have is today, anyway.

Although counting days and getting medallions is a wonderful way to celebrate days of sobriety in AA, in my experience, it is not such a good idea in OA.  My first time around in program, getting that one-year medallion meant everything to me.  Every day I would mark-off another day of abstinence on my calendar.  I had a big star drawn on my one-year anniversary date, and as that glorious day approached, I started the big count-down and would talk about it to anyone who would listen.  When the day finally arrived, I got my medallion and was scheduled to be the guest speaker at my home meeting the following week.  The day before my “victory speech,” I caved-in to the temptation of half-priced Halloween candy and binged my brains out.  The next evening, I sat in my car outside the meeting, sobbing.  I wanted so badly to go in there and lie and act like nothing ever happened, but I knew I couldn’t.  And yet, the idea of starting all over again at day “one”  was devastating to me.  The time to go in came and went and there I sat.  Finally, I drove away…and didn’t go back for at least 2 years.  I think I repeated variations of this same theme about five different times over my 24 years in and out of program.  This is why the whole counting-days-thing leaves such a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

During this, my latest (and longest) stretch of abstinence, I have decided not to count specific days, although I know that I got “clean” some time in the beginning of February, 2010.  I use this information to keep track of years rather than days.  In fact, I just recently decided to choose a specific anniversary date, so I asked my favorite AA “old-timer” if I could use his sobriety date, and he graciously agreed.  But keep in mind that this was well into my second year of abstinence, and by that point, I really felt that I was in no danger of going back to that all-consuming obsession with the numbers of my disease.  Today, for me, it’s all about THIS 24-hours.

REMINDER: All of this is just my opinion, based upon my limited experience.  If counting days is working for you, keep it up!