When you first arrive.  There are usually people who purposely go to meetings early so they can hang-out and chat with people they know, and hopefully greet newcomers.  If no one approaches you, don’t be offended.  Some groups are stronger in this area than others.  Just have a seat, relax, and say a little prayer that you have the willingness to listen with an open mind.

Opening remarks.  Most meetings are called-to-order in some way at exactly the time scheduled.  There is a lot of emphasis in program about the importance of discipline, and this includes being on-time.  There will usually be a “leader” or “chairperson” facing the group and reading from some type of written format.  The meeting is then either turned-over to the guest speaker, or a discussion topic is chosen and people raise their hands to share on it.

Your role.  Some meetings ask newcomers to raise their hands and introduce themselves by giving their first name only.  If you are not comfortable doing this, you don’t have to raise your hand.  Other meetings go around the room and have everyone state their first name and their addiction, such as “Hi, may name is Sheryl and I’m a food addict.”  Or the “lazy-man’s version,” “Sheryl, food addict.”   The group would then respond, “Hi, Sheryl.”  Again, if you are not comfortable doing this, simply say “pass” and no one will think twice about it.  Some groups don’t do personal introductions at all.  If you are at a meeting where people take turns reading and you don’t want to do that, again, simply say “pass” when it is your turn and they will skip over you.  Occasionally the chairperson will randomly call-on people to share, but they usually only choose people they know and it is done more out of playfulness than anything else.  I have never seen anyone put a newcomer on the stop like that.  But even if that DID happen, just say “pass” and they will call on someone else.  (In other words, your fear of public speaking is NOT an excuse to stay home!)  Also, in many OA meetings (I have not seen this at AA), a contact list is passed around.  If someone’s name and contact information is on the list, that means they are willing to receive phonecalls from people who need help between meetings, so you can copy down this information.  If you want to receive calls, add your name and information to the list.  If you are not comfortable with this, simply pass the list to the next person.

The Seventh Tradition:  Tradition #7 states that all meetings are to be “self-supporting through their own contributions” (click on “The 12 & 12″ at the top of this page to see the short version of the traditions, if interested).  Thus, a basket is passed to collect money to pay the rent, to purchase books for members to buy, and to send to the main office so they have money for the printing of approved literature and the maintenance of the official website and service center,…  No one at the meeting is keeping that money for themselves.

Break-time.  Food addicts BEWARE!  If you go to “open” * AA meetings for support like I do (even though I don’t drink), you are pretty-much guaranteed to be in the presence of…<gasp!>… sweet treats!  And not just at break-time!  Members of many anonymous groups pass around bags of sweets during the meeting, as well.  Personally, I was pretty-much a “closet-eater,” so this doesn’t really bother me.  (Me?!  Eat “bad” food in PUBLIC?!  NEV-er!)  But if you are newly abstinent and feel that just being around sugary snacks could cause you to “slip” off your food plan, you should probably stick with OA meetings, at least for a while.  Almost all anonymous meetings serve coffee, but you will never see food being served at OA.

Closing.  At the end of the meeting, everyone forms a circle by holding hands.  Then a prayer is said aloud by all who wish to join-in.  If this offends you for some reason, you can join the circle but remain silent or you can simply leave early.  Just don’t let this stop you from coming back.

* FYI – “open” meetings mean anyone is welcome, “closed” meetings are for those with that particular addiction ONLY.  Always check your local meeting list (available through each Anonymous program’s website) before walking-into meetings that are new to you. 

Anonymity.  I cannot stress enough to the newcomer that the number one rule of all 12-Step programs is “anonymity.”  That means that, once you leave a meeting, it is okay to tell others outside the program about the stories you have heard, but you cannot, cannot, CANNOT reveal the names of the people you saw there.  Why?  Because many people in 12-Step meetings do not tell anyone, not even their spouses, their children, or their parents, that they are attending meetings.  People have all sorts of reasons as to why they may keep their involvement in a 12-Step program a secret, but the point is that it is not up to YOU to break someone else’s anonymity!

Cross-Talk & Double-Talk.  Oftentimes at meetings you will hear the terms “cross-talk” and “double-talk.”  Neither is allowed.  “Cross-talk” means that, after someone speaks at a meeting, whether as the speaker or as someone in the audience sharing a few thoughts, you cannot speak directly to that person about what they have said in front of the group (in other words, in your sharing).  Think of a meeting as a safe place to dump all that crap you carry around in your head.  After you dump it, you don’t want someone to pick it up and give it back to you.  Everyone shares their own individual thoughts and insights without giving advice or analysing what someone else has said in front of the group.  It is okay, however, to approach someone after the meeting or during the break to discuss something they said, privately.  “Double-talk” refers to speaking more than once at the same meeting.  This is considered to be in poor taste in large meetings where there is limited time for sharing.  In smaller meetings it is usually not an issue, as long as everyone gets the opportunity to share more than once.

Mentioning specific foods or beverages.  Many OA meetings state in their formats that the mentioning of specific foods when addressing the group is not allowed.  Why?  Because it may trigger a craving in those members who may be in the fragile first stages of early abstinence.  (I have heard that the same goes on at some AA meetings, but I have not personally witnessed it.)  So how do you talk about your food addiction without mentioning specific foods?  You will hear lots of people say things like “bags of stuff” or “sweets” or “my binge foods.”  In theory, if you are working a good, strong program, the mere mention of any food should not set you off.  But this is a compassionate gesture that helps those who have not yet reached that point in their recovery.

Non-Program Sources Of Information.  Recommending books or authors while you are speaking to the group is not a good idea.  Each 12-Step program has a list of approved literature, and when addressing a group, these should be the only books mentioned so as not to confuse your suggestions with the suggestions of AA, OA,… as a whole.

Meeting Disruptions.  Cell phones buzzing or ringing, texting, whispering, and all other disruptive behaviors are seriously frowned-upon at meetings.  This is not to say that you will not see such behaviors, but all of them are disrespectful.  The majority of people at meetings are serious about their recovery and don’t take kindly to deliberate distractions.  If you must use your phone or talk to someone during the meeting, have the courtesy to leave the room.

It is so easy when we are new to program to use our judgements of others to keep us from our own recovery.  Give yourself the chance to experience the relief that can be yours by giving this program a fair hearing.  Go to a bunch of meetings with the attitude of a scientist collecting data.  Gather information and then make an informed decision as to which meeting is best for you.  Don’t like the one where the same people talk over and over again about the same seemingly irrelevant subjects with no time limits and no consideration for others who haven’t shared in weeks?  Go somewhere else.  Don’t like the one where no one welcomed you as a newcomer?  Go somewhere else.  Don’t like the one where they were overly friendly and ramming The 12 Steps down your throat?  Go somewhere else.  Remember: This is your recovery.  You need to take charge of it and find the meetings that will work for you.