Drinking & Drugging?  To me they are similar to the above example of smoking in that both are constantly romanticized in movies, on TV, in books,…   While we’re at it, we might as well throw-in sex addiction here.  Somehow, over the years, all three of these have become intertwined with the stereotypical lifestyle of rock musicians and former child stars. Often tragic, yes, but still somehow appealing, in a media-tabloid sort of way.

Gambling?  Maybe not so romantic, but definitely exciting.  Ever see all the neat stuff you can do and buy at a casino?  It’s a money-spender’s paradise, the perfect destination for gamblers and shopaholics, alike!  And the allure of obtaining even MORE money is always just one pull away!  I can definitely see the appeal.

Then, of course, you have the “glamour” of anorexia/bulimia.  Can runway models be any thinner?!  With so many magazines berating stars whenever they gain a few pounds, it’s a wonder these eating disorders aren’t running rampant through the lives of the rich and famous.  (Personally, I think they are, but I believe that their “handlers” warn them against getting too thin.)  And in a society that defines beauty according to body size, who DOESN’T want to be labeled as “attractive?”  So you might have to destroy your insides in the process.  Small price to pay if you at least get the benefit of looking good on the OUTside, right?

So what do all these “cool” addictions have that compulsive overeating DOESN’T?

You can HIDE all the others.

You can’t hide a morbidly obese body.  (It’s impossible.  Believe me.  I’ve tried.)

Which is exactly the reason why it is the uncoolest addiction of them all.

In all the other cases, a person can “seem” normal much of the time, even to themselves.  If smokers aren’t smoking (and are not at the stage of hacking-up a lung), they would not stand-out as a nicotine fiend.  If drug addicts or alcoholics are sober, you might not know they have an addiction at all.  Nothing about gamblers or sex addicts (or even serial killers, for that matter) would make those people stand out in a crowd.  And controlled purging and exercise addiction may mask itself as a fitness addiction (which is actually seen as a positive in this country).  But when you’re carrying around 100, 200 or 300 pounds of extra “you” around, everyone sees it and knows exactly how you got that way.  You NEVER get a break from it!  Every time you look in a mirror or catch a glimpse of your reflection in a storefront window or go to the doctor or go clothes shopping…  There is just no way to escape the physical evidence of this disease.  Worse, you don’t even have the dignity of being able to hide it from others!  In this way, I think compulsive overeating and binge-eating cause their own peculiar type of psychological damage that none of the other addictions can come close to.

Sadly, Hollywood continues to use this unpleasant reality of the disease to perpetuate some of the worst stereotypes about people who are obese.  Even in this era of political correctness, you will still see cartoons, movies, music videos, and sitcoms portraying overweight people in the same old tired roles.  Here are a few of my least favorites:

The face-stuffing, gas-blowing, belching, offensive friend.

The lazy, desperate, ugly, reclusive sister/aunt (typically a single female).

The food-is-like-sex addict with an overly-confident view of her ability to attract men (which is supposed to be the funny part).

The painfully shy, bullied, depressed teen who is chronically suicidal.

Only in recent years have we started to see obese characters with real depth.  Overweight people with real sex appeal.  “People Of Size” as the main character, not just some negative supporting role who’s only purpose is make the other person look more attractive.  But it’s still so sad that, even now, an overweight person still has to feel like they are being smacked back to the reality of their low status in society, even in the midst of seeking the same escape that everyone else is looking for in the entertainment industry.

Not surprisingly, I remember spending years of my youth wishing I had a “better” addiction.  I figured that if I could just get over my fear of embarrassing myself that I could at least forget about my weight problem for a while by getting drunk!  At one point I even considered doing cocaine, thinking it would make me thin (until a worldly friend told me that it was possible to do coke AND be fat).  But who was I kidding?  I was even too scared to even smoke a joint!  Then I heard about bulimia.  Now THAT made sense to me.  For, isn’t it the dream of every true food addict to be able to pig-out AND be thin – – AT THE SAME TIME?!?!  I was thinking about it so much that I even told my counselor about my secret desire to become bulimic.  She quickly told me all the horrible medical side-effects, and that stopped me in my tracks.  My fear of doctors and hospitals actually came in handy in that particular situation.  (Isn’t it funny how God works in our lives, even when we don’t even know He’s there at all?)

Just in case all of this is not proof enough for you of the “uncoolness” of being a food addict, here is the one thing that annoys me above all the others…

Compulsive overeating and binge-eating are even considered to be “uncool” by other addicts in recovery! 

Not by ALL of them, of course,…  But still.

At first I couldn’t believe it.

Don’t believe me?  I personally know of at least two people in AA who are very open with friends and family about their involvement with the 12 Step program with respect to alcohol, but who won’t even tell their own spouses that they also attend OA meetings!

Need more evidence?   I have actually had people come up to me IN MEETINGS and tell me that overeating is “easy” to fix – – that it is just a matter of discipline and willpower.  Really.  Couldn’t I, who has never gotten drunk or high in my life, say the same about alcohol and drugs?  I’ve even had AA’s come up to me after I’ve shared about my food addiction to offer me diet tips and suggestions about local diet clubs!  As if I had somehow lost my way and wondered into a 12 Step meeting by accident!  They weren’t being mean, but they weren’t able to grasp that my addiction was every bit as serious as theirs.  They were genuinely oblivious to our common “soul sickness.”

Another example?  I shared a short food story at an AA meeting one night (I was actually asked to because everyone else had already shared), and when I was finished, the next person who spoke actually cross-talked at me and started laughing out loud about how I didn’t know what real addiction was compared to his “bad” drug problem that landed him in jail!  I was mortified!  Luckily, an old-timer came to my rescue and yelled out, “No cross-talk!”

And yet, it is through experiences such as these that I have been able to find my niche within the open AA meetings I attend: I am a self-appointed OA ambassador.  I no longer take offense when people with other addictions don’t get the connection or understand why I am there.  Instead, if they approach me, I see it as an opportunity to talk to them and explain the similarities between food and alcohol addiction, and eventually most of them get it.  In fact, I now have many AA friends who have told me that after they stopped drinking, their eating started getting out of control.  Still others I talk to have shared that, when they really thought about it, they realized that they had been food addicts long before they had ever even tasted alcohol.  Best part of all?  I have succeeded in convincing a few of these people to check out OA, and some of them are starting to “stick!”

Addiction is addiction.

Only a Higher Power can save us, ALL of us (cool & uncool addicts alike), from ourselves.

Up until last year, I would still periodically torture myself by trying to get off my medicine.  I would secretly wean myself down to a very low dose,.. not even telling the doctor who was prescribing it… until it was too late.  Then I would start having the anxiety attacks again, and thinking I was going to die in my sleep, and obsessing about death and dying, and I’d get heart palpitations to the point of forcing me to the emergency room (where they always told me “it’s just anxiety”) – – and then I would have to wait several weeks for the higher dose to kick-in.  And I would always vow that I’d never try to go off it again…until a few months later.  (Now that I think about it, isn’t that the same way I always handled my food problem?)

It has literally taken me DECADES to finally come to terms with the fact that there are just some people, like me, who need anti-depressants – – the same way a diabetic needs insulin.  I am talking about people who use it correctly, here, under close medical supervision.  Over the years, I have been told by many doctors and psychologists that there is nothing to be ashamed of  – – that I have a chemical imbalance that is probably hereditary.

So imagine my shock several months back at hearing someone at a meeting telling the group that being on anti-depressants is the same as being “on drugs,” and that people who take them while in program are “not really clean.”

Are you KIDDING me?!

I had all I could do not to jump up and scream at this person.

First of all, no one should be speaking “at” the group.  In program we are taught to share our OWN experience, and to NOT assume that what is right for us is right for others.  But aside from that, it is COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE for someone in program to make general statements about the taking of ANY type of medications!  Talk about being presumptuous, self-centered, and SELFISH!!  Suppose there was someone in the audience who was suicidal?!  Who is only still alive thanks to this type of medicine?  Maybe they are only able to get to a meeting BECAUSE they are on it!  And maybe their newly-found abstinence or sobriety is the only positive thing in their life right now!  Who has the right to take that away from ANYone?!  EsPECially from someone in such a fragile mental state?!  That important point aside, this doesn’t even begin to address the issue of anyone in the audience (like myself) who may already be battling their own inner demons with respect to this matter.  What good does it do these people to be told that they are failures?!  Clearly this is something people need to resolve FOR THEMSELVES!

Moral of the story?  DO NOT let others in program become a substitute for your doctor, your intuition, or your God!  Listen to God, listen to your body, and listen to the advice of more than one medical professional.

IMPORTANT!!!! 12-Step meetings are NEVER the place to get your medical advice! 

“One of the many doctors who had the opportunity of reading this book in manuscript form told us that the use of sweets was often helpful, of course depending upon a doctor’s advice.  He thought that all alcoholics should constantly have chocolates available for its quick energy value at times of fatigue.  He added that occasionally in the night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by candy.  Many of us have noticed a tendency to eat sweets and have found this practice beneficial.”

At the time it was written, I’m sure author Bill W. never imagined that this book was going to be used to help compulsive overeaters.  But isn’t it fascinating how he is recommending the replacement of alcohol with sugar because of the “positive” effects?

I have seen many people from AA who are able to give-up drinking only to find that they have a raging food addiction.  After years of seeing this over and over again, I can’t help wondering if this has to do with the suggestion of eating candy whenever they have a craving for alcohol, or if their addictive personality would have lead them to that new vice anyway.  Or maybe it is something more biological than that.  I have heard food addiction described as just another form of the body’s allergy to alcohol because both involve the way our bodies break down sugars.

Of course, I have also met many alcoholics who switch from swigs to sweets and are very successful with their programs and have excellent recovery.  So apparently this is great advice, as long as you are not pre-disposed to having an eating disorder!

Whatever the reason, many AA’s end-up in OA, and many of them have told me that giving up excess food was much more difficult than giving-up drinking.  They say that this was due to the fact that with alcohol, they never had to put it into their bodies again.  With food, they still had to “mess with it” every single day.  I don’t know how true that is, since I have never had a drinking problem, but I just thought it was interesting to see what The Big Book had to say on the topic of food.  It may not be very helpful to true compulsive overeaters, but to me, it sheds a little more light on the similarities between these two deadly diseases.

The following week, I was relieved to see that that person was not at the meeting.  But when it got to be time for sharing, many people spoke about him and the positive impact he’d had on them.

I was floored.

Almost everyone who shared that week said that seeing that man in the throws of his disease strengthened their gratitude for the gift of sobriety that they had been given.  Some of the old-timers even went so far as to say that God was using that man to speak to all of us about how horrible addiction is and that they were praying for him every night, hoping that he would come back so they could help him the way that he had already helped them.

Powerful.

I felt like such a jerk after that meeting.  As I drove home, I took a hard look at the way I had completely taken that situation and made it all about me – – that guy was disrupting MY meeting.  He was making ME uncomfortable.  He was taking all the time away from the people I wanted to hear.  But since when are the 12 Steps about SELF?!  Then I started thinking about this whole thing in relation to food, and I realized something very…disturbing.

I went to OA meetings “drunk” all the time!

This last time coming back to program, if I hadn’t been “allowed” to show-up at meetings feeling bloated and sick from the binge I just had in my car on the way there, I would probably be dead right now.  How DARE I be so judgemental of a fellow suffering addict who, even in his drunken state, knows that AA is the only place on earth that will welcome him with open arms!

This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but it is one that I will never forget.

After I was back in program and working on The 12 Steps, I very slowly began to re-think the religion of my childhood.  This lead me to one of the best investments of my life: I spent $30 on the book, “Christianity For Dummies.”  I was immediately and completely stunned by my lack of knowledge of even the most basic teachings of Jesus, even though I had been raised a Catholic.  Next I bought a KJV Bible (because I had heard that it was the most accurate translation of the original texts) and I started reading it with the approach of a scientist doing research.  I wanted to know why so many people were drawn to Jesus and what was so special about His teachings.

Then one day, as I was channel-surfing, I happened upon a woman named Joyce Meyer (see Inspirational Links, if interested).  I did not know that she was also a Christian speaker.  In fact, when I tuned-in to her for the first time, she was talking about her addiction to chocolate-covered peanuts.  That, plus her matter-of-fact delivery and her quick wit, grabbed my attention.  I cynically sat there, waiting for a pitch for some new diet pill or new exercise machine that never came.  Then she started mentioning the Bible.  Thanks to Joel, I had already begun to put aside any past prejudice I had about formal religion, so I was okay with this and able and to just listen and see if there was anything in what was being said that could benefit me and my new lifestyle (just as I have finally learned to do at meetings).  But then Joyce mentioned…”The Devil.”

Now THAT was a different story.

I instinctively went for the remote control.  Then this thought came to me:  “Just substitute the words ‘my addiction’ for ‘The Devil’ or ‘Satan.’ ”  And that was all it took.  I am not saying that I agree with all of Joyce’s beliefs, but being open-minded enough to listen to the things she presents that DO seem right to me has made a huge difference in my life, especially with regard to her straight-forward techniques for how to squash the negative thoughts that had dominated my thinking (and therefore, my life) for more than four decades.  But even more than that, she helped me realize that what I was really seeking in all my “research” was a personal relationship with my God, not merely an intellectual understanding of Him.  This, combined with the foundational knowledge I now had about what it meant to be a follower of Jesus, convinced me that I was ready to call myself a Christian.

In February of 2011, quietly, at home, through prayer, I gave my life over to the care of Jesus.  Through the 12 Steps, I had already given my life over to a “God of my understanding,” but now that understanding included Jesus and all His teachings.  I then went through an odd period of wanting to tell the world about my awesome new life, but at the same time, being afraid that once I did, I would never be able to live-up to what it truly meant.  I really wanted to wear a cross, which I had never done in my life, but I didn’t feel “worthy.”  I have since made peace with this.  It took some time, but I finally realized that I could apply the program idea that I will never be perfect at following the 12 Steps, that “I am a work in progress,”  to my Christian walk.  As long as I can say that I am genuinely trying to improve, that is all that is required of me (and anyone else).

I have since started-out on a quest to find a Christian church.  I have sat down with three pastors/priests so far, each from a different Christian denomination, and I asked all of them the same grueling two typed pages of single-spaced questions.  All were gracious, all spent literally hours with me, and all expressed complete devotion to and conviction in what they believed, even though all three of them believe three completely different interpretations of the same exact Bible!  Again I was fascinated by the way, even among the same religion, people have come up with different ways to pursue the same thing – – a personal relationship with their God.  As it stands now, I consider myself to be non-denominational, for this very reason.  I also know that I do NOT want to be a part of any church that is critical of any other group, and that I DO want to be part of a church that is based on Jesus’ main doctrine, which is to love God and to love your neighbors (ALL of them, not just certain ones) as yourself.  To me, through the open-mindedness I have learned in program and through hearing about the wide variety of spiritual experiences that people everywhere are having every day in all different ways, it seems so arrogant that anyone would think that their way of following God is the “only” way or the “right” way.  How can anyone honestly believe that when we are talking about the spiritual realm, here!  Doesn’t that automatically mean that it is, by definition, beyond our limited human understanding?  All I DO know for sure is that I have way more than enough “on my plate” (so to speak) in trying to figure out my own walk with God to have any time or energy left over for judging and criticizing what other people are doing in their walk with God.

What others are doing is literally none of my business.

If something is unmanageable, that means that it cannot be “managed,” and this describes my experience with food addiction perfectly.  Not that I didn’t try to manage it.  In fact, looking back over my life, it feels as though I have done little else!  From around age 12, I was either on or off a diet – – there was no inbetween, EVER!  Sometimes I would be able to lose a little weight, but I never stayed on them long enough to reach my “goal,” and whatever weight I did lose never stayed off.  And yet, whenever I was NOT following a diet, I was bingeing, so I felt guilty.  It wasn’t long before I convinced myself that I was “supposed” to be on a diet at all times as “punishment” for being overweight.

Not only did I use diets to try to control my food addiction, but I also started using exercise.  I would obsessively work-out or join exercise clubs or gyms and create these impossible schedules and unattainable goals for myself.  But whenever I would deviate from these rigid, self-imposed plans, I would quit because I looked at this as “failure.”  Same if I got sick, or hurt (which happened often, since I was always pushing myself too hard).  As with dieting, exercising feeling guilty when I wasn’t doing it and resentful if I was.  As a result, over time, there were fewer and fewer days in my life when I felt ok – – and those could only be the days when I was eating and exercising “perfectly” (which were few and far between).  Now I had TWO ways of dealing with my food addiction, and BOTH of them were destroying my self-esteem.  And it did take much time at all for this  feeling, itself, to become unmanageable.

As the years went by, I added other behaviors to my repertoire of ways to make the unmanageable manageable.  For example, I started to notice that when I got praise from others, my feelings of self-hated lessened, at least for a while.  So I became a people-pleaser.  Then I noticed that the same thing happened whenever I got attention from guys.  So I became “boy-crazy.”  Then I noticed that whenever I got praise from authority figures, I got the same feeling.  So I became a workaholic.  Then I noticed the same feeling when I would spend money on myself, so I became a shop-a-holic,…  All of these were temporary fixes for the same problem – – trying to control my feelings of worthlessness.  And as each attempt at weight loss failed, these other behaviors got stronger and stronger, until they, too, became unmanageable.  Looking back, it seems like my entire life was a swirling mess of unmanageability.

It was not until I came back to OA and got involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting that I was finally able to recognize any of this.  And until I could recognize it, I couldn’t even begin to fix it.  And that’s where we are at the end of Step 1 – – at the beginning of a journey of self-discovery.  And although this beginning may start-off with some truths about ourselves that we’d rather not face, we can take comfort in the fact that, for maybe the first time in our lives, we are finally willing to take a good hard look at ourselves and address our problems rather than run from them.

Once back in program, I slowly began turning to my Higher Power for help with all aspects of my life, not just for help with my battle with food addiction.  Yet, even though time and time again “HP” would come through for me, I kept hesitating (and sometimes still do) on looking to Him for guidance.  At some point, although we had started our own property management company and were making enough money to get-by, we had no money for anything unexpected, such as medical expenses and home maintenance.  I knew it was time to look for a side job, but I didn’t want to.  Over those previous 2 years, I had become comfortable with my work-from-home lifestyle and felt that looking for another job was somehow admitting that I had failed at running my own business.  For a couple weeks I stewed about it, sulking and complaining to myself and to my husband about all of it.  Finally the day came when I remembered that I was supposed to be taking all my problems to God, so I prayed about it.  Almost immediately I heard that “still, small voice” (which sounded just like me) say that I should go on Craigslist to look for a part-time job.

I was not happy.

In the middle of my office, I started to have an out-loud argument with God. Thankfully, I was home alone.  Here’s how the conversation went down (I put the “God Voice” in italics to emphasize the gentle, loving tone it had, even though I was sounding like a ranting loon):

Me:  I am NOT getting another job!

HP:  But don’t you think getting one would be the responsible thing to do?

Me:  Of COURSE I do!  But once I do that, I will be putting my extra time into something that is leading me AWAY from my goals rather than leading me TOWARDS them!

HP:  But you guys need the money right now.

Me:  Don’t you think I KNOW that?!   But I’ll get stuck!  I KNOW it!  I’ll end up getting a part-time job that I hate, get sucked-into full-time because it’s the “right thing to do,”  and I will hate my life and have no time for me ALL OVER AGAIN!  I am NOT doing it!

HP:  It doesn’t have to be that way.  You can find something that is only part-time, or maybe even temporary.

Me:  I won’t be able to find THAT!  I just KNOW it!

HP:  Just try.

Me:  NO!

HP:  Trust me…

Me:  UGH!  FINE!  But I am only going to look under the ONE category that I want to look at!  That is IT!  I am NOT settling for something I am going to HATE!

HP:  That’s fine.

I flopped into the office chair in front of my computer and banged on the keys until I was on Craigslist.

Me:  Here it is…I am only going to look under this category: “graphic arts.”  And that is IT!  I MEAN it!

HP:  ok.

As most of you probably know, this category of job listings on Craigslist is probably the smallest group on the whole site.  There are usually NO jobs here, and when they do have a listing, it usually requires that you be a current college art student willing to work for nothing, or it is some type of sub-contracting computer graphics position, for which I have absolutely no training whatsoever.  What I was hoping to find was a position for a mural artist, but from my numerous past attempts at this, I knew my prospects were not good.

About half-way down the scant first page of listings was a heading that read something like this:

“Painter wanted for touch-ups in preschool.”

I automatically assumed that they were looking for a mural artist because I was in the graphic arts section, not the construction / maintenance section, so I clicked on it.  This is the gist of what the ad said:

“Seeking property manager to do light patching, painting, and maintenance work at our two childcare facilities, must be able to pass a background check, a drug test, and have experience working with children.  Part-time, as-needed.”

I was shocked.  First of all, why was this ad in this category?  It was clearly not a graphic art position.  Second, what were the odds that a “misplaced” ad would be for a “property manager,” and that I, someone who had just started a property management company, would stumble upon it?  Third, who the heck but ME would have property management experience AND experience working with children (before I got into property management, I had been a preschool teacher for 10 years) AND be available “as needed” AND be able to pass a drug test any time, any where (I am one of those rare birds who has never gotten high or drunk in my life)!!  I just kept staring at the screen.  It was as if this position was created, not only to my exact specifications, but to my exact QUALIFICATIONS!!

“The icing on the cake,” so to speak?   I replied to the email and got a response within a couple of hours saying that I sounded perfect for the job, and then I had an interview a few days later.  I showed the owners, not only photos of my maintenance work, but also ones of my murals and my teaching experience.  Long story short?  I got THREE jobs – count’em – – THREE jobs in 1!  They hired me as the property manager (which has completely flexible hours that work easily around running my business), they had me fill-out all the necessary paperwork to be a substitute assistant teacher, and they said they would keep me in mind for some upcoming murals that they were planning to add to their schools in the future!

“The cherry on top?”  The owners and workers alike are all just SUPER-wonderful, loving, caring people.  I cannot tell you what a blessing they have all been to me.  Even now that I no longer need to work there as a substitute assistant, I am so grateful that they were able to help me through that rough time, and I continue to do maintenance work and art work for them on a regular basis.

Who but God could have orchestrated all this?!  I considerate it to be one of my greatest “proofs” for the existence of a Higher Power working in my life today!!  All I can say is…Thanks, HP!!

Later on, I really thought about it, and I realized that in some ways, I HAVE believed in “magical thinking” at different times in my life, even though I never called it that.  I noticed that it was particularly common in relation to my food addiction, especially when I was new in program.

For example, I would HAVE to wear the exact same clothes every time I got on the scale (which, for me, was once a month at the local YMCA), otherwise I was a complete mess.  I mean, to the point that even my underwear had to be the same!  I get the idea that clothes can cause minor fluctuations in the number on the scale, but this was something else.  I just could not stop my mind from going over and over the numbers if what I was wearing was not exactly the same as last time.  In my warped way of thinking, there was always that lingering doubt that I had “messed-up the weigh-in,” and this was whether the number went up OR down!  If it wasn’t low enough, the clothes must’ve been heavier.  If it was low enough, it had to be wrong because these different clothes I wore must’ve been lighter.  Nuts!

Another example?  I used to have my “lucky” bowl, measuring cups, and measuring spoons.  I ate all my at-home abstinent meals with them.  I think that I actually believed that these things had mysterious powers that were helping me to stay abstinent.  How bad is THAT?!  Know when I found this out?  The day I broke the bowl.  I was SO, disproportionately upset!  I literally went shopping to find the exact same one and couldn’t.  Had to settle on something close.  Guarded it like a hawk.  CRAZINESS!

Another?  I HAD to go to the same meeting every week and I could not miss it no matter WHAT!  I’d go there sick, dead-tired,…you name it!   And what did I think would happen if I COULDN’T make it?  Why, I’d lose my abstinence, of course!  Same with making my 3 program phone calls per day and reading a page from 3 different books each morning and doing 15 minutes of writing and…and…and!

I guess all these things are what most people would call superstitions.  But the point is, whatever you call them, they are not only a huge waste of time and energy, but they also represent a distorted mindset.  Today, I do go to the same meeting every week (and many more!) and I do make program phone calls and I do write and I do read, but not because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t, but because I like what happens when I do!  My entire program is now based upon POSITIVE reinforcement (rewards) rather than NEGATIVE reinforcement (punishments)!  And what if I can’t make that ‘special’ weekly meeting?  I’ll catch another!  Didn’t make all those phone calls?  I’ll try again tomorrow.  Only did 5 minutes of reading and writing combined?  Maybe I’ll do extra the next day.  How did I get this change to happen?  I did the 12 Steps.  Through that work, I finally figured out that the only  “good luck charm” I need in my life is my Higher Power.  Through His guidance, I will be able to find that “balance” we addicts so desperately need in our lives.  And if I stay close to Him in all my affairs, I will soon discover that He will always make the number on the scale the “right” number, He will never get lost or broken, and he will always reward me with all the “magic” I need to stay abstinent…bowl or no bowl!

“I am a bad person because I cannot control what I eat.”  This was probably the biggest, deepest, and worst lie of them all.  Food addiction is a disease, not a moral issue.  I had heard this many times throughout my years in program, but I did not grasp it at a gut level until I did Step 4.  If you have been telling yourself this lie for decades the way I had been, it can take a long time for it to sink-in.  But the sooner you can recognize this belief for the lie that it truly is, the sooner you will feel better about yourself.  A lot better.

“OA won’t work for me.”  Because I had tried and failed on so many diet / exercise plans over the years, just the thought of yet another one made me feel depressed.  I had begun to notice that as I got older, each attempt got harder.  What sacred me even more was that, over time, my urge to fight was also slipping away.  Not surprisingly, when I first came into OA, I was sure it wouldn’t work for me.  But I have since found-out that this line of thinking is really a form of self-centeredness.  Negative, yes, but self-centered nonetheless.  To think that I am that unique – – that my addiction is so much worse than anyone else’s, that a program that has helped millions can’t possibly work for me, that I won’t be able to do what so many others have done before me,…these are all different ways of saying that I think that somehow I am a “better” addict than everyone else.  Sorry, but that is not the case at all.  “I am just another bozo on the bus,” as they say.  It works for other addicts, so it will work for me, IF I work it.  I don’t have to analyze it, figure-it-out, or even understand it.  I just have to DO it!  And the same goes for YOU!

“I can’t let anyone know how much I eat / want to eat / think about food.”  I spent most of my life hiding the amount of time, money, effort, and thought that went into my food addiction.  For me, coming to the realization that ‘by keeping it all secret I was only making it worse’ was a relief.  In fact, not only would exposing all of this help me, but in OA I learn that sharing my experience is the only real way that I have of helping others.  In that way, one of my greatest fears has become one of my greatest assets.  Only a Higher Power could be involved in a transformation like that!

“My life will be perfect when I am the ‘right’ weight.”  This one is another biggy.  Sometimes I can still sense it lurking in the back on my mind, but at least now I know it isn’t true.  But for years it was the sole focus of my life.  Everything about me – the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I related to others, the way I planned my life – all of it revolved around me getting to that time in the future when I would look and weigh the way I wanted because then I would have confidence, sex-appeal, charisma, fame, fortune,…  My expectations of what I would get out of being thin far exceeded the reality of it, but since I could never seem to get there, I could keep telling myself that my lack in all these areas was due to my weight.  Over time, without realizing it, I actually wound-up creating the perfect excuse that I would use to give-up on huge sections of my life.

“My food addiction has ruined my life.”  This one is the greatest irony of all.  It took a while, but I have finally come to realize that, had I not been a food addict, I never would have gone to OA.  And had I never gone to OA, I would have never found my Higher Power.  And had I never found my Higher Power, I would not be experiencing the joy and peace of freedom from, not only my addiction, but from that empty feeling that is the result of living a non-spiritual life.  Nowadays I can genuinely say that I am grateful for being a compulsive overeater.

The concept behind this first step is definitely not difficult to grasp.  When we decide to do the steps, it is usually only out of a feeling of desperation.  Most “newbies” already feel powerless over their addictions when they walk through the doors, otherwise they wouldn’t be there.  The hard part is the action associated with this step.  That action in AA is to give-up drinking.  In OA, that action is creating and sticking-to a food plan.  Either way, the way we express our willingness to continue with the rest of the steps is by abstaining from our drug of choice.  This is why finding a “food sponsor” quickly is so important.  Food sponsors are an invaluable resource at this time of fighting-off cravings, experimenting with portion sizes and binge foods, and being accountable for our new commitment to a healthier relationship with food.  This is also the perfect time to start developing a support system.  Most people in program, whether they are your sponsor or not, are more than happy to take calls and emails if you are having trouble sticking to your plan between meetings.  Most OA meetings pass around contact lists – if a person’s information is there, you are free to take it and add that person to your support network.

What about a Higher Power?  Well, at this point, most people in program will tell you to “fake it ’til you make it.”  You do this by simply getting on your knees in the morning and asking the God of your understanding for the ability to stick to your new guidelines, and then getting on your knees again at night and thanking Him for the help He gave you.  Whether or not you even have a Higher Power in mind when you do this has no effect on the process.  The point is to just take this suggestion and “pretend” that you believe.  I know, it sounds crazy, but it works.  When I came into program I didn’t believe in any type of God, but several people said, “Do you believe that I believe it works for me?  Then just try it.  It will work for you, too.”

There are those in program who will argue that it is doing the steps that leads you to the ability to give-up your drug of choice.  They would probably site the fact that The Promises of the program are located half-way through Step 9, meaning that you would have to have completed at least steps 1-8 before you see any real recovery.  However, myself and many others don’t hold to this view. One of the most important and rewarding things you will ever do for yourself is going to be writing-out your 4th step.  Nothing in my life has been as important to me as this.  Had I tried to do this life-changing step while bingeing, I feel certain that the results would not have been nearly as profound.  I think you are doing a huge disservice to yourself by NOT getting “clean” at the outset.  Even if your first version of abstinence is merely a list of foods you are giving-up because they cause you to binge, or just the elimination of a few triggers (such as eating in the middle of the night, eating in the car, and eating in-secret), at least it is a beginning – – and a beginning is all that is needed.  The point is to get some feeling of control and confidence under your belt.  After that, you will see the true “magic” of the program in action: the longer you go to meetings and the closer you get to your Higher Power, the more you will want the type of recovery you see in those who are working a more sophisticated program, which in turn will motivate you to work the program harder.  It will come naturally – you won’t even have to force it, as long as you keep coming and keep trying.

So take some time to make some food guidelines for yourself (or ask a fellow member with some good recovery to help you create a food plan), tell someone what you want to do, and start doing it.

P.S. – – I have personally found that doing the steps with a “step sponsor” was much more productive than doing them either alone or with a food sponsor.  If you can get involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting and find a sponsor there to guide you through the steps INDEPENDENT from the work you are doing with your food sponsor, I highly recommend doing so.