He compared it to what we would do with a pile of garbage.  We have two choices:

The first is to put all our “garbage ” (emotional baggage, dirty secrets, grudges, and resentments) into a big trashcan in our mind, hide it in a deep dark corner, put the cover on it, and try to forget about it.  But some day, something will come along and turn our inside world upside-down.  Then that big trashcan will re-surface, the cover will come off, and all that garbage will be exposed.  But this time it will stink much more than it did when it was first put into hiding.

The alternative is to “take out the trash.”  To actually remove it completely.  Then, no matter what happens, it will never bother us again.

When we do the 4th step, rather than hiding our “garbage,” we actually get rid of it.  This gives us the confidence to move forward in our lives, comforted by the knowledge that there is no longer any darkness from our past to hinder us from the bright future we are promised through working the steps.

For years, this was the extent of my relationship with my Higher Power.  I would ask for help with my food (only when I was in OA, of course) and He always gave it to me.  Then I would “forget” that it was Him keeping me abstinent, I would leave program, thinking I could do it all on my own, and I would be out of control again.  But how could this be, if every time I came back to OA I “took” Step 2?

The problem was that my belief was still tied-in to what I wanted from OA, and what I wanted from OA was to be thin.  Period.  I didn’t want to make it my way of life.  I didn’t want to make friends there.  I didn’t even really want a relationship with Higher Power, except as it could be exploited to get me to my goal weight.  I wasn’t consciously thinking that, but looking back, that was the cold, hard reality of it.  And to be completely honest, I don’t think this time around would have been any different, except that I did the steps the way they are written in The Big Book, and that process lead me to WANT to make The 12 Steps my way of life SO THAT I can have a close relationship with a Higher Power.

I don’t think I (or anyone else) can fully explain the ambiguity here.  On the one hand, in order to get through the steps that will lead you to a deeper relationship with a Higher Power, you have to take Step 2 (to get to Step 3, Step 4,…).  On the other hand, you will not feel the full impact of taking Step 2 until AFTER you have done the OTHER steps.  The best way I can describe it is that we take Step 2 based upon whatever belief we have at that time, and then we “trust the process” to strengthen that belief as we move forward in our recovery (by continuing to do the rest of the steps).

In many ways, the first part of Step 2 is similar to making the decision to join OA.  In order to do that, you have to at least have a tiny amount of hope that it will work for you, or else why would you even bother showing-up?  The same goes for seeking belief in a God of your understanding.  All it takes to begin this relationship is a tiny amount of hope that there may be something to this whole Higher Power thing.  This doesn’t mean that you have to be completely open-minded.  You just can’t be completely close-minded.

If something is unmanageable, that means that it cannot be “managed,” and this describes my experience with food addiction perfectly.  Not that I didn’t try to manage it.  In fact, looking back over my life, it feels as though I have done little else!  From around age 12, I was either on or off a diet – – there was no inbetween, EVER!  Sometimes I would be able to lose a little weight, but I never stayed on them long enough to reach my “goal,” and whatever weight I did lose never stayed off.  And yet, whenever I was NOT following a diet, I was bingeing, so I felt guilty.  It wasn’t long before I convinced myself that I was “supposed” to be on a diet at all times as “punishment” for being overweight.

Not only did I use diets to try to control my food addiction, but I also started using exercise.  I would obsessively work-out or join exercise clubs or gyms and create these impossible schedules and unattainable goals for myself.  But whenever I would deviate from these rigid, self-imposed plans, I would quit because I looked at this as “failure.”  Same if I got sick, or hurt (which happened often, since I was always pushing myself too hard).  As with dieting, exercising feeling guilty when I wasn’t doing it and resentful if I was.  As a result, over time, there were fewer and fewer days in my life when I felt ok – – and those could only be the days when I was eating and exercising “perfectly” (which were few and far between).  Now I had TWO ways of dealing with my food addiction, and BOTH of them were destroying my self-esteem.  And it did take much time at all for this  feeling, itself, to become unmanageable.

As the years went by, I added other behaviors to my repertoire of ways to make the unmanageable manageable.  For example, I started to notice that when I got praise from others, my feelings of self-hated lessened, at least for a while.  So I became a people-pleaser.  Then I noticed that the same thing happened whenever I got attention from guys.  So I became “boy-crazy.”  Then I noticed that whenever I got praise from authority figures, I got the same feeling.  So I became a workaholic.  Then I noticed the same feeling when I would spend money on myself, so I became a shop-a-holic,…  All of these were temporary fixes for the same problem – – trying to control my feelings of worthlessness.  And as each attempt at weight loss failed, these other behaviors got stronger and stronger, until they, too, became unmanageable.  Looking back, it seems like my entire life was a swirling mess of unmanageability.

It was not until I came back to OA and got involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting that I was finally able to recognize any of this.  And until I could recognize it, I couldn’t even begin to fix it.  And that’s where we are at the end of Step 1 – – at the beginning of a journey of self-discovery.  And although this beginning may start-off with some truths about ourselves that we’d rather not face, we can take comfort in the fact that, for maybe the first time in our lives, we are finally willing to take a good hard look at ourselves and address our problems rather than run from them.

The concept behind this first step is definitely not difficult to grasp.  When we decide to do the steps, it is usually only out of a feeling of desperation.  Most “newbies” already feel powerless over their addictions when they walk through the doors, otherwise they wouldn’t be there.  The hard part is the action associated with this step.  That action in AA is to give-up drinking.  In OA, that action is creating and sticking-to a food plan.  Either way, the way we express our willingness to continue with the rest of the steps is by abstaining from our drug of choice.  This is why finding a “food sponsor” quickly is so important.  Food sponsors are an invaluable resource at this time of fighting-off cravings, experimenting with portion sizes and binge foods, and being accountable for our new commitment to a healthier relationship with food.  This is also the perfect time to start developing a support system.  Most people in program, whether they are your sponsor or not, are more than happy to take calls and emails if you are having trouble sticking to your plan between meetings.  Most OA meetings pass around contact lists – if a person’s information is there, you are free to take it and add that person to your support network.

What about a Higher Power?  Well, at this point, most people in program will tell you to “fake it ’til you make it.”  You do this by simply getting on your knees in the morning and asking the God of your understanding for the ability to stick to your new guidelines, and then getting on your knees again at night and thanking Him for the help He gave you.  Whether or not you even have a Higher Power in mind when you do this has no effect on the process.  The point is to just take this suggestion and “pretend” that you believe.  I know, it sounds crazy, but it works.  When I came into program I didn’t believe in any type of God, but several people said, “Do you believe that I believe it works for me?  Then just try it.  It will work for you, too.”

There are those in program who will argue that it is doing the steps that leads you to the ability to give-up your drug of choice.  They would probably site the fact that The Promises of the program are located half-way through Step 9, meaning that you would have to have completed at least steps 1-8 before you see any real recovery.  However, myself and many others don’t hold to this view. One of the most important and rewarding things you will ever do for yourself is going to be writing-out your 4th step.  Nothing in my life has been as important to me as this.  Had I tried to do this life-changing step while bingeing, I feel certain that the results would not have been nearly as profound.  I think you are doing a huge disservice to yourself by NOT getting “clean” at the outset.  Even if your first version of abstinence is merely a list of foods you are giving-up because they cause you to binge, or just the elimination of a few triggers (such as eating in the middle of the night, eating in the car, and eating in-secret), at least it is a beginning – – and a beginning is all that is needed.  The point is to get some feeling of control and confidence under your belt.  After that, you will see the true “magic” of the program in action: the longer you go to meetings and the closer you get to your Higher Power, the more you will want the type of recovery you see in those who are working a more sophisticated program, which in turn will motivate you to work the program harder.  It will come naturally – you won’t even have to force it, as long as you keep coming and keep trying.

So take some time to make some food guidelines for yourself (or ask a fellow member with some good recovery to help you create a food plan), tell someone what you want to do, and start doing it.

P.S. – – I have personally found that doing the steps with a “step sponsor” was much more productive than doing them either alone or with a food sponsor.  If you can get involved with a Big Book Step Study meeting and find a sponsor there to guide you through the steps INDEPENDENT from the work you are doing with your food sponsor, I highly recommend doing so.

Although I could comprehend at a gut level that there was something very wrong with my relationship with food, and may have even gone so far as to say that I was “insane” regarding my need to consume huge quantities even when I was not hungry, besides that, I thought was fine.  Hadn’t I always had a decent job?  Wasn’t I a “good person” who was always at least “trying” to do the right thing?  Didn’t I have close friends and relatives in my life?  But it wasn’t until I started writing my mammoth 4th step, and pages and pages of dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors poured out onto the pages, that I could see that my behavior with food was merely the outward manifestation of my insane relationship to everything and everyone in my life.  Step 2 is the beginning of our coming-to-terms with this fact.

There is no doubt that accepting that we are insane is a bitter pill to swallow, but once we get it down, we are well on your way to finally addressing the real problem…US!